Tag Archive | Lesbian

Living On The Edge

Courtesy of Paul Kerkar

courtesy of Paul Kerkar

Have you ever wondered what that means – living on the edge? I have. We all live our lives the way we see it fit. We see all kinds of things, wonderful and awful, that other people do but, in a mean time, our reality is shaped by our beliefs on what is acceptable and what is not.

For some people, living on the edge means flying. For some – trying oriental food. For others – trying on clothes that they don’t feel comfortable wearing. For somebody else – giving a public speech.
And for some – admitting to others that they have no clue what they are doing.

It is a funny thing when you think about it – most of the people want to know what other people think or do because they do not know if whatever they (themselves) do is the right thing.

Our lives are based on our past experiences and feelings that can be explained by words using a language that we speak. When we experience something that can’t be expressed in words, we freak out. This freak out leads to an internal and/or an external search for a meaning or an explanation. There has to be someone or something that can explain whatever you feel.

What happens when there is no answer?

Living on the edge for me is just living. Yes, as simple as that. I wake up every morning not knowing or wanting to know what is going to happen because wanting to know means control. I can’t control what happens in my life. I can’t control LIFE. If I try to control, it almost always fails. When it fails, I am faced with existential questions. Questions that I can’t answer.

If you plan your day, it almost never plays out the way you want.

You think for hours about questions you will ask during your job interview. You play out all kinds of scenarios in your head about that serious conversation you will have with that one person. However, when you are having that conversation, it never goes the way you want or thought it would go.

Controlling always means safety. When you can control whatever happens, you feel safe. If you can’t control, your life becomes hectic and unpredictable.

Does living on the edge mean not having control or does that mean that you are actually living?

Magic vs Miracles

my way to truthApparently, magic is a side effect of depression. I can’t exactly cite the source as it is in a foreign language and, honestly, probably not very credible. However, I can see where they are coming from. When you are depressed, when you are down, you believe that the only solution to your problems is a miracle.

I am playing with these words in my head – problems, miracles, magic…and I can’t help it but to come to the same conclusion no matter how I look at it.

You become depressed when your inside world is not or can’t fit in the outside world. You become depressed when no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem fit in. I am not saying that depression is not a serious condition, I am saying that side effects of depression are created by society.

No people, no problems, right? Do you really think that we would feel fat or ugly or worthless if not for our society?
When you remove people, when you remove society and all the perceptions that community defines for you, everything is a miracle. Sun, wind, trees, nature….You breathing is a miracle. Your existence is a miracle.

Love is magical. Ocean is magical. Waves are magical.

Miracles are longed for when you stop seeing that everything is a miracle. Magic is longed for when you stop seeing that you are a miracle who leaves magic everywhere you go.


No, You will not live…

Courtesy of Darksouls

Courtesy of Darksouls

It blows my mind to know that society requests that you give away a huge chunk of your income in taxes and other kinds of deductions as dues for managing one’s nations relations. These relations include medical, roads, political, social, arts and etc. The whole point behind giving this money away is a promise that you will be taken care of.  Is that actually happening?

You have to pay taxes and your dues but society can choose not to take care of you based on who knows what.  You are not allowed to stop giving money but you are also not getting what you were promised either. How is this system better than gangs?

I was reading an article, more like a plea, about a 31 year old woman with cystic fibrosis. Doctors have come to a conclusion that the only way to save this woman’s life is to do a lung transplant. However, she has to pay for her own surgery. Government’s medical plan doesn’t cover this.

We are not talking about teeth whitening or braces or botox injections. We are talking about a life saving surgery. You work hard and you pay taxes. You pay these taxes so you are protected by the law, so you can get help when it is needed the most, so the government / community provides you the care you require when times are tough.

But, I guess, that is not how it works. You are required to pay taxes but they are not required to provide or they can choose what to provide or not. If you choose not to pay taxes, you will go to jail. But if the government decides to increase their wages and not fulfill the promise, they are not kept accountable. This is the most ridiculous thing about society today.

This is a one way street and it is definitely not going direction you need. You have to pray to all good spirits that nothing ever goes wrong.

When I was reading, all I could think is the conversation that is going on between the lines:

Woman: Please, I need help
Government: Sorry, can’t help you
Woman: I have been paying taxes, I have been working hard to contribute to this system
Government: Your surgery will cost us more than you will ever pay in taxes. And the money you have given us is not to take care of you but to use as we see it fit. And your surgery doesn’t fit with our vision.

In other words, you are replaceable. You are important only while you work and while you are healthy. Once you can’t pay and you are a drain on the system, you become disposable. So, no, you will not live because it is more convenient. You will live if somebody else steps up and gives you a helping hand. And then, when you recover, you shall pay into the system again.

Surprisingly, so many people still believe in the system and are blind to the truth of their own existence.

Mirror of Your Soul

mirrorDo you have that person in your life that calls your bullshit no matter how hard you try to hide it? You know, you spend hours talking and telling this great story how things are great or awesome in your life and at the end he or she summarizes it all in one sentence – bullshit.

No matter how hard you try to deceive yourself with sweet lies and convince yourself one way or another way somehow they see thru all that.  It seems like you are looking in the mirror, trying to tell yourself how beautiful you are, how nice your hair is, how stylish you are but at the end you actually only see the real you – someone who did not shower this morning, who has messed up hair and smeared makeup.

I am just wondering how many people would actually pick the bitter truth over sweet lies? How many people would choose a friend who sees past your bullshit, calls it and doesn’t think twice about it? And how many people would actually choose someone who doesn’t give a damn and ignores your inner struggles?

Who Deserves You?


Courtesy of Google Images

I stumbled upon an interesting article for those who are looking for a new job. It was talking about the change in thinking and how job interviews are changing from bullying to appreciating.

I giggled when an author compared old style to being interviewed by zombies who ask you a set of questions to get certain answers and if you do not give them a straight answer on how much you make or what is your greatest weakness, they don’t know what to do with that.

But this is not about job interviews or looking for a job, this is about something that the author said:

Only the people who get you deserve you.

Exactly! Why would you go for a company where you can’t be yourself. Why would you even considered getting a job with a company that is not flexible, doesn’t change, and doesn’t appreciate creative or unique people?

People forget that it is not you who is in great need of them to give you a job, it is a two-way street. You are also interviewing them. You spend 2/3 of your day at work. It is your second home. Those people are almost like family. If you have to work to pay your bills, at least spend the day having fun and building great relationships with people who get you.

And again, you get what you think you deserve – love, job, friends, and life itself.

Can’t date into a friendship…

confusionI love and hate long drives at the same time. I hate wasting my time sitting in the car but love the time spent laughing, discussing, arguing, solving world problems that are not ours to solve.

We were coming back from a friend’s wedding and somehow got into a conversation about friendship. Yes, so many articles have been written about this, so many other conversations have been had, and not much have changed since the day people started developing friendships with each other.

The question that we tried to answer was the following:

If your friend starts dating, do you have to automatically accept the partner as your friend?

Some time ago somebody made a statement that you have to and that it is unacceptable not to.

My personal stand is – absolutely not. And here is why.

Friendship is like a marriage. You love your friends but are not sexually attracted to them. You can’t live with them but you can’t live without them either. You are drawn to them and you enjoy spending time with them. It is a love hate story. You might not agree with certain choices or beliefs but you wholeheartedly love the person for who they are.

You can’t just marry or date into a friendship.

We do not pick our friends based on whom they are dating. You have to earn the trust to be considered a friend. Partners can be tolerated and accepted as part of your friends’ life but they also can be not welcomed into a house and not invited to some gatherings if they have been disrespectful or have done or said something hurtful.

You respect your friends’ choices and you accept them but you are not obligated to be friends with the partner. You can’t bully somebody into friendship and you are definitely not obligated just because it is your friend’s partner.

Friendship is a different kind of love story. You have a click with a person. You can’t fake that click. They make you laugh, they challenge you, they make your day just by being themselves. You can’t fake that.

What do you think? Do you have to accept your friend’s partner as your friend just because they are together?

5 Regrets Of The Dying

life before deathWe live our lives day in day out taking one step at a time closer to the end. Some choose not to think about it, some embrace the thought and some freak out. No matter what you do, you will die, and the sooner you accept the fact that this is all you’ve got, the better chances of not wasting your life you have.

Bronnie Ware wrote an article in 2012 about people and their regrets after they were sent home to die. It is worth re-posting and reminding people that the right time is now. Not tomorrow, not in a week, but right here, right now….

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

“This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.”

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

“Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

”This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”

Credit: huffingtonpost.com

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