Just A Title….Never Mind…
You hear so many people on their death bed saying that the only things they regret are things that they did not do and experiences that they did not have because they were afraid to try or because they felt that they did not deserve something.
I guess it is our nature to constantly live in this limbo of wondering. Men, women, fluid gender, we are all just humans trying to be happy and live lives that bring joy.
The crazy part of this is to admit the turmoil, to admit the wondering, and to admit the uncertainty of our existence. Sometimes we think that we are going crazy, sometimes someone else calls us crazy, and sometimes it falls under the official term – mentally unstable. In reality, it doesn’t matter at all. Who cares if you sort of fit in, who cares if you live up to someone’s expectations, who cares if you are a valuable member of the society and make a significant contribution to the greater good, who cares if you got a degree, who cares if you have a house with a white picket fence?
There is only one question that trumps all of the other ones – Are you enjoying your life? If you are not, what are you going to do about it?
Fear is such a powerful force in our lives and sometimes I wonder if fear is indeed the basic instinct that ensures my survival or most of the time it is actually just something that I have been taught to respect and allow to determine the path I take.
Fear is an extremely strong emotion. It has a strong grasp on my thoughts. Fear has a strong grasp of my feelings and my mental state. I am afraid to lose myself. Fear makes you become a person whom you sometimes do not recognize anymore. Some people lose the battle and give in and never recover.
Yes, I am afraid, and I acknowledge my feelings. But, I also know that I need to lean into my fear and see it through because I know that Fear is a figment of my imagination. I am facing a battle that I have to fight with myself. This is a battle that needs to take place in my head. Doesn’t that sound a little bit crazy? The worst part is to admit that I am afraid. Once you have admitted the truth and have made peace with the fact that the only way out of this mess is to face the fear and just go for it, many aspects of fear will not matter anymore.
We live our lives in fear of being judged and that is the reason we always hide our feelings. We only share emotions that will be understood and supported. We share emotions that people can relate to and we almost never share fears that make people uncomfortable because discomfort makes people turn against you. This discomfort often reminds people of what they feel themselves and reminds them of the fear of being judged and misunderstood, and instead of supporting you, people choose what makes them feel safe and fit in, they turn against you.
The most ridiculous thing to realize is that as older you get as less you care about what other people think is right. It is because you have fought so many battles in your head and have been burned way too many times by making choices that you thought would be approved by the majority of people. And the majority of these battles turned out just to be just that – thoughts and fears in your head. And once the consequences of your choices kicked in, you realized that nobody actually cares; nobody gave you the praise or the medal for achieving the “fitting in” status. All you got at the end of your excruciatingly painful battle with yourself was unhappiness and nobody cared.
Once you get burnt by “nobody cares” too many times, you realize that no one can make you happy and no one is going to be there to support you. You know that the moment you step up and make a choice that will put you in a spotlight, there will be way too many people and so-called friends and family to point out your wrong choices and shame you for it, regardless if whatever you chose to do, made you happy and did not harm anyone else.
Some people still have hope of saving the world and they try to educate others and bring them into awareness, into the light, into harmony, into…whatever they think others need.
The truth is, when you are on your death bed, the only thing that will matter will be you and your choices. The only thing that will matter will be your satisfaction, your happiness, and the enjoyment of your life. It will not be fitting in. It will not be choices that you made to be accepted. It will not be – not sticking out. It will not be being like everyone else. It will not be the approval of other people. It will not be saving others. It will not be trying to wake people up. But it will always be your regrets of not being yourself and not making choices that would have potentially made you happy. It will always be something that you never tried. It will always be that one thing that you refused to try. It will always be that one person that you let get away. It will always be your choices that you made because you were afraid to disappoint someone.
We, humans, almost always avoid the topic of death and go on like we are immortal and will never die. Lately, I have been thinking about this a lot. I guess it is because I am getting older and because being happy is becoming more and more important to me. It is not like I have just woke up and realized that I am important. It is more like the acknowledgment that coming from a peaceful place and just being myself is always enough just for me. It is always enough because I do not need someone to like me; I do not need someone to approve of what I like; I do not need someone to agree with my choices; I do not need people to feel like I have a purpose. I know I have a purpose and it’s nobody’s business but mine. I do not have to justify or explain or fit in. I am enough.