That day has come again when my heart gets ripped in pieces.
When you get comfortable with life and when you feel that you are in a decent place, not really thriving and fully enjoying life but somehow managing to stay sane in the rat race, something even more devastating hits you.
All this positive talk. All this self-growth. All this – go with the flow of life. All this and that…is just sometimes not enough to protect you from the pain of loss.
Loss is something that reaches the core of your being and just shreds you from within.
Of course, you survive and go on. You find a way. If you realize that life is just a flow of events and happiness depends on your choices to be happy and enjoy every moment, then things usually do not seem as dark as they would seem if you are stuck in the rat race.
However, loss of somebody you love is something that just cuts little pieces out of your heart and soul, makes you bleed, beats you down, sucks almost all positivity out of you.
With every loss, a small piece of your hearts dies off. How much a heart can take? Do you think that maybe at one point you will just find yourself empty and broken because every piece of your heart has been shattered and there is just nothing left?
Do you think that maybe there is a possibility of not being able to recover? Or do you think that no matter how much loss we experience, we can still find love within ourselves to keep going?
I am walking down the street. I see you but I do not care for you. I see others and I also do not care for them. Sounds insensitive, sounds offensive, almost sounds like somebody to isolate from the society.
But, guess what, you are also walking down the street and see me, and you also do not care for me. You do not care for the person next to me or the person behind me.
You will care for me only when you have a space for me in your life. You will care when I mean something to you, only when I either create positive or negative emotions. So till that day comes, you don’t care.
As longer you live as more you understand that your space is reserved and it has a limited capacity. As more people you let in as more cluttered it gets. This doesn’t mean that you are a selfish person, that you are a snob or that you are a cold-hearted person. This just means that you know who you are and what you need to be able to grow.
There is nothing wrong with not caring and there is also nothing wrong with caring as you have to be extremely careful and keep your space available for those who come into your life to either leave footprints in your heart or teach you a lesson.
This is the most insensitive thing I have said this week. It might be insensitive but, unfortunately, it is as true as it gets.
Cruel reality reminds us almost on a daily basis how fragile and unpredictable your life is. Life doesn’t hold back. There is no pause before something happens. There is no memo sent out to warn you. There is no “heads up”.
Every day you wake up and go on with your routine. You get angry if something or somebody interferes with your flow, but, I guess, every person needs certain structure in their life.
We all are self centered egotistical beings no matter what you say. Even the most selfless gesture is still self-centered behaviour. You do it because you feel it is the right thing to do. It makes you feel good. It makes you respect yourself. It makes you sleep better at night. You did the right thing and didn’t expect anything back.
As older you get as more people start dying around you. When you are younger, you don’t pay much attention to that. And as older you get, as more guilt you start feeling. Guilt about decisions that you have made or not made.
Decisions like – meeting up with that old friend, or writing that email that you have thought about for years, maybe even making that phone call . You know exactly what I am talking about. It lingers in the air, you think about it, you almost come close to doing it but then you either find an excuse or something gets in your way.
Yes, this post is written because, again, I made a conscious decision to post pone a meeting with a friend and now I will never have that opportunity given to me again. I might stand by the grave of this friend, crying or talking, but I will never be able to hug this person or smile at them and say – nice to catch up.
I can find all kinds of excuses why I did not try harder but it will not do any good. This situation keeps repeating itself and I keep finding myself regretting the excuse – I will do it later.
Life keeps teaching me a lesson that there might not be “later” but I am too slow to learn. Every time something happens, I reflect, I feel guilty, I make promises to myself that I will never do that again, and I keep hitting my head against the same wall and wondering why.
Yes, it is just a journey. And, yes, death is a part of life that nobody will escape. And, yes, as they say – shit happens. It, however, doesn’t change the fact that I choose not to go with the flow of life and try to make choices that will lead me to the place that I think I need to be at.
This place is just a vague idea and if you ask me, I have no clue where that is. I have no clue how it looks like but somehow I still make decisions that I think are more important than they actually are.
I know, it all sounds so philosophical and better people have expressed the same thought in more sophisticated words but one thing is for sure – we need to stop bullshitting ourselves with fake convictions and imaginary happiness.
Just be real, be you, live….and say goodbye to those you care about as they might go any minute without any warning.
“Oh, hell no, I am not a criminal..” you’d want to say. Let’s be honest, yes, you are. We all are thieves, murderers, manipulators, cheaters, abusers, and etc.
Just because you have never been convicted of any offenses, doesn’t mean you are not a criminal.
Let’s look at this. What and who is a criminal?
Definition of criminal. 1 : being guilty of an act that is unlawful, foolish, or wrong.
Have you ever said something to somebody that left them heart-broken?
Have you ever repeated something that someone else said at work and ended up being in the right place, right time, and were heard by the right people?
Have you ever lied to someone so you can benefit from it? Don’t deny it. At some point in time, you lied to yourself, lied to your parents, lied to your partner, lied to your co-workers, lied to the neighbor, lied at the bank, and etc…
Have you ever said or did something that destroyed (emotionally, spiritually) somebody’s dreams, life?
Have you ever hit somebody or pushed somebody intentionally?
In other words, just because you have not been prosecuted for moral crimes or physical or emotional abuse, doesn’t mean that you are not a criminal. You are…
Some crimes are punishable by jail, some by lethal injection, and some just slip through the cracks.
Moral crimes are not causing less damage. They just leave deeper scars.
We tend to harm ourselves and people around us. You break promises and leave people heart-broken. You steal somebody else’s ideas and present them as yours. You are verbally abusive to others; sometimes they deserve it and sometimes they don’t but it is still not right. You cheat, you lie, you manipulate.
We justify our moral crimes…
How much pain can one heart take? – I asked. Depends on the heart, depends on the pain, depends on who or what caused it.
None of those answers made me feel better till I read something on the Internet. It was an older man who wrote about grieving his loved ones .
“…I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love.…”
If you are lucky, you will have many scars from many loves. You will drown, you will sink, you will be beaten down, you will be broken, but you will survive. Wounds will heal but emotional rollercoasters will come and go. As more you loved as more you lost as more you will appreciate every single day of love that is given to you.
Anniversaries will cause sadness and good memories; smells, places, sounds will remind you of everyone you lost but they will also remind you of happiness that you experienced and love that you shared.
So, I guess, when I think about this, I understand that I need to let myself be. Just shake it off, let the pain hurt, let the wounds heal, and appreciate the scars I have.
RIP in peace my little 6 month old foster. I can’t save all of you but I can definitely love all of you for as long as you have left – be it 5 days or be it the rest of your life.
I was watching people at work and at the end of the day I confirmed what is a well-known knowledge. This well-known knowledge is forgotten and maybe sometimes ignored.
Let me do a quick introduction before I tell you what it is.
There are 3 kind of people in your life:
- People that you like or are drawn to
- People that you do not like or barely tolerate
- People that you do not remember/notice or, so called, invisible people
There is only one thing in common or different about these people.
When you meet somebody, it takes you only a few seconds either to like them on not like them or not care for them.
Most of the time it is their personality. I do not mean their values or beliefs or convictions. They do not even need to talk.
I am talking about smiling and having a positive presence about them. The more you smile, the more open you are, the more relaxed is your non-verbal communication.
You feel attracted to positive, smiling people and you tend to avoid angry, scowling or tensed up people.
All it takes is some sense of humor and a genuine smile. No kidding. Start smiling. Find something funny in your head and start smiling.
Once you start smiling, you will infect other people and they will come back for more.
How do you know your value? You know, you go through life and compare yourself to others. What do you compare yourself to?
Looks? Style? Salary? Choice of career(s)? Shoe size? Vocabulary usage? Length of your fingers or toes?
Questions and more questions. My point is that you can’t compare yourself to somebody based on superficial values. Once you do it, you undeniably place yourself in the “not worthy” category.
What is the most important thing in this life? And the answer is…..drumroll….HAPPINESS
And what makes a person happy? Definitely not things. Things are nice to have but they bring only short-lived joy. Happiness is a feeling and this feeling is generated by experiences with other people, nature, and activities that you enjoy.
In other words, when you say that someone is out of your league, you are saying that money and status trumps love and respect.
Money comes and goes. Jobs are not forever. Looks change. You can go from rich to poor in a second and vice versa.
It is Journey that you choose to take together with the other person that makes your life worth living.