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One Dead, Many More To Go

 

sorry you died

Courtesy of  music.fromabasement.com

This is the most insensitive thing I have said this week. It might be insensitive but, unfortunately, it is as true as it gets.

Cruel reality reminds us almost on a daily basis how fragile and unpredictable your life is. Life doesn’t hold back. There is no pause before something happens. There is no memo sent out to warn you. There is no “heads up”.

Every day you wake up and go on with your routine. You get angry if something or somebody interferes with your flow, but, I guess, every person needs certain structure in their life.

We all are self centered egotistical beings no matter what you say. Even the most selfless gesture is still self-centered behaviour.  You do it because you feel it is the right thing to do. It makes you feel good. It makes you respect yourself. It makes you sleep better at night. You did the right thing and didn’t expect anything back.

As older you get as more people start dying around you. When you are younger, you don’t pay much attention to that. And as older you get, as more guilt you start feeling. Guilt about decisions that you have made or not made.

Decisions like – meeting up with that old friend, or writing that email that you have thought about for years, maybe even making that phone call . You know exactly what I am talking about.  It lingers in the air, you think about it, you almost come close to doing it but then you either find an excuse or something gets in your way.

Yes, this post is written because, again, I made a conscious decision to post pone a meeting with a friend and now I will never have that opportunity given to me again. I might stand by the grave of this friend, crying or talking, but I will never be able to hug this person or smile at them and say – nice to catch up.

I can find all kinds of excuses why I did not try harder but it will not do any good. This situation keeps repeating itself and I keep finding myself regretting the excuse – I will do it later.

Life keeps teaching me a lesson that there might not be “later” but I am too slow to learn. Every time something happens, I reflect, I feel guilty, I make promises to myself that I will never do that again, and I keep hitting my head against the same wall and wondering why.

Yes, it is just a journey. And, yes, death is a part of life that nobody will escape. And, yes, as they say – shit happens. It, however, doesn’t change the fact that I choose not to go with the flow of life and try to make choices that will lead me to the place that I think I need to be at.

This place is just a vague idea and if you ask me, I have no clue where that is. I have no clue how it looks like but somehow I still make decisions that I think are more important than they actually are.

I know, it all sounds so philosophical and better people have expressed the same thought in more sophisticated words but one thing is for sure – we need to stop bullshitting ourselves with fake convictions and imaginary happiness.

Just be real, be you, live….and say goodbye to those you care about as they might go any minute without any warning.

We Are All Criminals

“Oh, hell no, I am not a criminal..” you’d want to say. Let’s be honest, yes, you are. We all are thieves, murderers, manipulators, cheaters, abusers, and etc.

Just because you have never been convicted of any offenses, doesn’t mean you are not a criminal.

Let’s look at this. What and who is a criminal?

Definition of criminal. 1 : being guilty of an act that is unlawful, foolish, or wrong.

Have you ever said something to somebody that left them heart-broken?

Have you ever repeated something that someone else said at work and ended up being in the right place, right time, and were heard by the right people?

Have you ever lied to someone so you can benefit from it? Don’t deny it. At some point in time, you lied to yourself, lied to your parents, lied to your partner, lied to your co-workers, lied to the neighbor, lied at the bank, and etc…

Have you ever said or did something that destroyed (emotionally, spiritually) somebody’s dreams, life?

Have you ever hit somebody or pushed somebody intentionally?

In other words, just because you have not been prosecuted for moral crimes or physical or emotional abuse, doesn’t mean that you are not a criminal. You are…

Some crimes are punishable by jail, some by lethal injection, and some just slip through the cracks.

Moral crimes are not causing less damage. They just leave deeper scars.

We tend to harm ourselves and people around us. You break promises and leave people heart-broken. You steal somebody else’s ideas and present them as yours. You are verbally abusive to others; sometimes they deserve it and sometimes they don’t but it is still not right. You cheat, you lie, you manipulate.

We justify our moral crimes…

 

Heartbreak # 4

12312010_10153189576482414_13728023_nI guess life has it’s own understanding on what you need and when you need it. Most of the time it is not what you have envisioned or wanted or thought you wanted.

How much pain can one heart take? – I asked. Depends on the heart, depends on the pain, depends on who or what caused it.

None of those answers made me feel better till I read something on the Internet. It was an older man who wrote about grieving his loved ones .

“…I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love.…”

If you are lucky, you will have many scars from many loves. You will drown, you will sink, you will be beaten down, you will be broken, but you will survive. Wounds will heal but emotional rollercoasters will come and go. As more you loved as more you lost as more you will appreciate every single day of love that is given to you.

Anniversaries will cause sadness and good memories; smells, places, sounds will remind you of everyone you lost but they will also remind you of happiness that you experienced and love that you shared.

So, I guess, when I think about this, I understand that I need to let myself be. Just shake it off, let the pain hurt, let the wounds heal, and appreciate the scars I have.

RIP in peace my little 6 month old foster. I can’t save all of you but I can definitely love all of you for as long as you have left – be it 5 days or be it the rest of your life.

 

Smile and they will come

Courtesy Of Google Images

Courtesy Of Google Images

I was watching people at work and at the end of the day I confirmed what is a well-known knowledge. This well-known knowledge is forgotten and maybe sometimes ignored.

Let me do a quick introduction before I tell you what it is.

There are 3 kind of people in your life:

  1. People that you like or are drawn to
  2. People that you do not like or barely tolerate
  3. People that you do not remember/notice or, so called, invisible people

There is only one thing in common or different about these people.

When you meet somebody, it takes you only a few seconds either to like them on not like them or not care for them.

Most of the time it is their personality. I do not mean their values or beliefs or convictions. They do not even need to talk.

I am talking about smiling and having a positive presence about them. The more you smile, the more open you are, the more relaxed is your non-verbal communication.

You feel attracted to positive, smiling people and you tend to avoid angry, scowling or tensed up people.

All it takes is some sense of humor and a genuine smile. No kidding. Start smiling. Find something funny in your head and start smiling.

Once you start smiling, you will infect other people and they will come back for more.

Not worthy

minion

Courtesy Of Google Images

How do you know your value? You know, you go through life and compare yourself to others. What do you compare yourself to?

Looks? Style? Salary? Choice of career(s)? Shoe size? Vocabulary usage? Length of your fingers or toes?

Questions and more questions. My point is that you can’t compare yourself to somebody based on superficial values. Once you do it, you undeniably place yourself in the “not worthy” category.

What is the most important thing in this life? And the answer is…..drumroll….HAPPINESS

And what makes a person happy? Definitely not things. Things are nice to have but they bring only short-lived joy. Happiness is a feeling and this feeling is generated by experiences with other people, nature, and activities that you enjoy.

In other words, when you say that someone is out of your league, you are saying that money and status trumps love and respect.

Money comes and goes. Jobs are not forever. Looks change. You can go from rich to poor in a second and vice versa.

It is Journey that you choose to take together with the other person that makes your life worth living.

One Day at A Time

DSC03440Grieving is a complicated thing. From day one we learn how to celebrate achievements and wins but when things come to knowing how to grieve a loss, we suddenly realize that we have no clue what to do.

Not just we do not know how to grieve our own losses, we do not know how to deal with other people grieving. We do not know what to say or do, so we avoid, we run, we just put our heads down and hope that we do not have to face the person.

I guess, once you have experienced grief, you learn a thing or two.

First, let yourself be. Whatever emotions come, go with the flow. Don’t hold back or try to control.
Second, there is no right or wrong way. There is only your way. You can’t classify it, you can’t rationalize or explain.
Third, whatever you feel, that is the way to go.
Fourth, guilt and anger are natural feelings. As human beings we are pre-dispositioned to fix whatever is wrong. If we can’t fix or save or make it better, we get angry and we blame people, things, ourselves.
Fifth, forgive yourself.

It is really important to remember, you can’t change the past and you can’t relive it. You have to find a way to let it go.

You have to take one day at a time and get comfortable with what you got right here right now. Pain will never go away. It will fade. Emptiness will never be filled, but you will find a way to bring something new into your life and that will bring you peace and comfort.

Practice talking about it. First to yourself, then to others. The more you talk, the easier it will become. Sometimes somebody will say something that will change your whole perspective.

As crazy as it sounds, even if you talk out loud just with yourself, if you verbalize what you feel, your sub consciousness deals with it. When you say it out loud, you learn to accept it and that starts healing.

I do not expect miracles. So, I take a deep breath – one day at a time.

Broken Heart

RIP Alex, June 10, 2015

On June 10, 2015 at 4:30 pm my heart stopped beating and I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to breathe again. No, I did not die but a half of my soul did.

We were given a day to say goodbye to the sweetest little girl that we had an honor to love and share our lives with for the past 10 years.

Going through the experience of learning how to let go of something that is dear to your heart because it is the right thing to do, has taught me a huge lesson. Live in the moment -enjoy every second of what you’ve got.

My heart is broken and it will be broken for a long time.  The love and trust I received from Alex is not something you can express in words. She fell asleep in my lap knowing that she is loved and safe, and that she is surrounded by people who were there for her when she needed it the most.

I will miss my girl and her unconditional love.  She was family.

As it has been said a million times by many people – tell people and your animals that you love them because tomorrow might be too late.

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