Sometimes I wonder why I take the road that I take. Sometimes I look into the darkness in front of me and wonder why in a world I trusted that everything happens for a reason and that I should take the dark path towards the darkness. I wonder why I trust that there is a light at the end of this scary looking road. Especially, when the alternative is a well lit, well known, extremely predictable path.
But then again, you could also ask, why would you not trust that, in the end, everything will be exactly how it needs to be?
I guess, no matter what you do, no matter what choices you make or what path you choose, it will take you somewhere new. Not necessarily better, but definitely new and different.
I always have to remind myself that even if I think I see where I am going, many times it has turned out to be a visual trap. I think I know and I think it is safe but, in reality, it is just your mind playing tricks on you.
How many times have you slipped on something in a well-lit area? How many times have you hit your head or cut yourself in the middle of the day when you supposedly see everything and are aware of surroundings? Would you say that a well-seen path is safer than a path taken in the dark? And I do not mean it literally. I mean it in a way of making life-changing decisions with or without a clear path.
I hate to admit it but I have to say that either way you are still not safe and still have almost same odds of getting hurt and/or going down the wrong rabbit hole. So, there is no way of knowing except when you make a choice to take the road that seems right. YES, even when it is a road embraced by the darkness that leads to who knows where.
I guess the truth is, we do not know where we are going anyways. We don’t know where tomorrow will lead us. We don’t know what is going to happen in 5 minutes. We do not know anything. We make choices that, no matter what, will take us on a journey of unknown events and experiences.
That is LIFE in its glory.
Nothing is given, nothing is promised, nothing is guaranteed, everything that seems right turns out wrong, and everything that seems wrong might be the right thing. I know, too philosophical…
So, here is the answer to the question I had – regardless which road you take, the final destination is not what you think it is.
We all know how precious life is. We all know that tomorrow is never guaranteed. We all know that 5 minutes from now could be the last 5 minutes of our lives and we’ll never see it coming.
If we know all that, why don’t we live to the fullest? Why don’t we pursue our dreams? Why do we still succumb to irrational fear? Why do we still hold back? “Why..” seems the most common question that comes up without a definite answer. There is always some kind of excuse or random explanation…
A few times in my life I have stopped and demanded a straight answer. No excuses, no standard answers, no brushing off the question, no avoiding, no hiding, no pretending.
And I have slowly built an understanding of what and why. It is me. Nobody else. It is me from a different world. I do not mean like a parallel universe or some kind of mystical place. I mean me who was raised to be a certain way. Me who was raised to continue to be like my people. Me who was supposed to inherit same beliefs, same values, same judgments, same standards.
Me who was supposed to develop the same vision of the world and become one of them with same fears, same insecurities, and same inability to accept anything out of the ordinary.
I can’t say I was supposed to become like all of them because there were different people, there were people who lived and laughed, lived and loved, lived and never judged, lived and brought light to other peoples lives but I was not surrounded by them. I did not get to experience anything different than suffering, sadness, and a lifelong struggle, so I started to become one of them.
Yes, I know, I am laughing out loud right now because this sounds so dramatic, so dark, so sad, but it was true and it was so long ago. I was getting influenced more and more by the people I was surrounded and experiences of jealousy, unhappiness, sadness, hopelessness, need to prove yourself, and etc.
I got out and decided to become a different person and learn a new way of living my life. I decided that I don’t have to prove to anybody that I am worthy of love, I don’t have to care about what other people think of me, I don’t need other people to be happy, and I do not have to worry about anything but my choices and path that I take, experiences that I have, love that I give and receive.
However, I still have not been able to fully get rid of that other me. That other me who sometimes sticks her head out of the shadows and reminds me that I might not be enough. Still reminds me that I am supposed to always be sad and wait for other people and things to make me happy.
This other me doesn’t exactly mess with my head too much but it is quite annoying to catch it in action trying to emerge out of the shadows and just jab. This is especially annoying when you are having an extremely good day, you feel happy, you smile, and then there is this quiet voice coming from the deep within you that kind of whispers, kind of gently reminds you that this is not going to last forever, that this is not real, that life is about suffering and not happiness….
I so need this other me to die. I am so tired of the voice in my head that kicks in when I just want to go with the flow of life and enjoy. This other me is not welcome and is not wanted. It was me but not anymore. I should have a choice to choose who I want to be. I should not need to fight it or constantly tell it to go away. It just needs to die….
Life is extremely unpredictable. When you think it can’t get worse, it comes up with something spectacular and blows your mind. Not necessarily in a positive way.
Small ups and downs are just a part of the ride but major blows that tear your heart apart is hard to comprehend.
Not enough that some people are a living proof of a day-to-day struggle of trying to make ends meet, or trying to stay sober, or trying to kick an addiction, or just trying to not kill themselves, Life sometimes decides to add an extra special gift of taking away what you love the most – a life of someone dear.
Every struggle is different, every fight to get over whatever you need to get over is something that nobody but you will be able to experience.
There are more questions starting with: ” how do I…” than answers that start with: ” This is how you…”
Why do we as a society pay more attention to teaching how to celebrate a win, a victory, an achievement, instead of teaching how to make sure you are alright when you suffer a loss?
So, when the sun goes down in your own life or your friend’s life, how do you figure out what to do? There are many books written about “how to..” but we are all still lacking this important life skill and we are at a loss when the time comes. You can’t possibly suddenly rush to read a book for dummies on “how to…” and still be able to comprehend and adjust your feelings to feel or do the right thing. And what is the right thing to do?
We are so unequipped to handle any loss in our lives – loss or a job, loss of a house, loss of a pet, loss of a friend, loss of a family member, and even less equipped to handle anything when a friend suffers a loss.
I am just curious, why we do not teach our kids that death is part of life, that loss itself is inevitable, and how to deal with that.
Why do we just hide and hope that it will pass? Why do we awkwardly turn our heads away in emotional horror when we see a person who just lost a family member?
When the sun goes down, we all are left to deal with sorrows on our own and hopefully, someone is there for us to offer a helping shoulder when you feel like disappearing into nothingness to avoid feeling.
When the sun goes down, for some people it might not ever come up again. So how about bringing a little piece of your Sun, your strength, your presence?
Haven’t you thought that it would be wonderful if you could just stop hitting your head against same walls? Sometimes it seems to me that I can never learn the lesson.
The adventure of the repeated nonsense and the foreseeable end result could be something to write a book about but it gets old and gets definitely annoying.
I thought about it and decided to come up with the list of most common walls we as humans keep hitting and wondering why things never change.
The list of walls to avoid:
- The Trump wall.
I don’t mean it in a political way. I am talking about the wall that he hides behind. Some people are so insecure about themselves that they require a constant approval from others on how great they are. They keep trying to boost their own confidence by affirming to people something that they think is extremely important for them to know. Something like – I was chosen by so many people; It was the best ever and will be remembered forever.
This wall takes us nowhere. We keep going in circles and, eventually, people turn away from you. They get tired of hearing how great you are and how many wonderful things you have done. They start seeing you either as a person who constantly puts himself/herself above everyone else or a person who needs help.
- The wall of flying under the radar.
This is a tricky wall as there is a slippery slope. You either do good because you are just a good person and you do not need an acknowledgment or you do it because you need to prove to yourself that you are a good person.
How do you know which category you belong to? I guess, if you keep doing good and feel that you are not doing enough and you do not get satisfaction, then you are hitting the wall.
Whatever you do, make sure that you do not do it just to make yourself feel useful and worthy. You do not need to save the world to be somebody.
- The wall of Ignorance.
This wall comes in so many colors. Anywhere between living in denial and being afraid to change anything to just simply choosing to be ignorant while being well aware.
The wall of ignorance is usually the one that always leads to an extremely painful outcome. Karma is not a nice person, she always finds a way to pay back.
Are you ignoring your illness? Are you ignoring your financial troubles? Are you ignoring your unhappiness? Are you ignoring somebody else? Are you ignoring your feelings?
I have gotten hurt so many times by this wall that I have to say that at times it seems funny and at times it definitely does not seem funny at all. However, I have learned to question my attitude – Do I ignore the obvious? And if I do, why do I ignore it? If I keep this up, how hard am I going to hit the wall and how much is it going to hurt?
- The wall of self-pity.
Don’t we all know this wall intimately? “Oh, poor, me!”….”Why me?”..”What did I do to deserve this?”…
If you are hugging this wall and keep hitting your head for years, it’s time to step back and give yourself a chance to have a life.
If you use this wall to get yourself back on track, then this wall is just a step to have that heart to heart conversation with yourself and then pulling yourself together and moving on.
Self-pity and Trump’s walls, in general, make your life miserable.
- The “I can’t do it..” wall.
I love this wall. Anytime I don’t have the guts to admit to myself that I don’t want to do something, I hit my head against the ‘I can’t do it” wall. Anytime I am afraid of failure, I end up going at it.
It is a brilliant wall, that’s for sure… can’t I really do it or I am afraid to do it or I don’t want to do it?
There are so many other walls that we should probably keep an eye for and maybe try to avoid them. Nothing good comes from them. They impact your growth. They definitely impact your happiness as I have yet to experience any feelings of happiness after hitting my head or plastering my entire body against the wall. Even though we are talking about emotional walls, the pain and discomfort these walls cause, are quite detrimental.
I am walking down the street. I see you but I do not care for you. I see others and I also do not care for them. Sounds insensitive, sounds offensive, almost sounds like somebody to isolate from the society.
But, guess what, you are also walking down the street and see me, and you also do not care for me. You do not care for the person next to me or the person behind me.
You will care for me only when you have a space for me in your life. You will care when I mean something to you, only when I either create positive or negative emotions. So till that day comes, you don’t care.
As longer you live as more you understand that your space is reserved and it has a limited capacity. As more people you let in as more cluttered it gets. This doesn’t mean that you are a selfish person, that you are a snob or that you are a cold-hearted person. This just means that you know who you are and what you need to be able to grow.
There is nothing wrong with not caring and there is also nothing wrong with caring as you have to be extremely careful and keep your space available for those who come into your life to either leave footprints in your heart or teach you a lesson.
The question of the day is – how come you don’t actually give a damn but then somehow still give a damn?
I wasted 30 minutes of my life today to think about this dilemma and concluded that there is a huge difference between not caring about something and then there is not giving a damn about it.
I don’t care is more in line with a lack of interest or strong feelings about the outcome, whereas, I don’t give a damn is about having strong feelings about the outcome but giving up or writing off any attempt to try to change that outcome at the same time.
If you give a damn about everything, then you create a perception that life should be an easy sail. You create a perception that you should always be happy and comfortable, and this is when you get slapped in the face and start thinking that life sucks.
Life is definitely not easy. Life is definitely not a piece of cake. Life is definitely not a well-drawn graph line that perpetually goes up or stays horizontal.
Life is a series of little miracles and, sometimes, impossible things become reality and, sometimes, possible things become not possible.
What is possible or impossible is just a product of our beliefs and not actually a product of something being true. It is not a product of our or somebody else’s capability. You can even say that what’s possible or impossible is a product of our beliefs about who we are.
I guess, regardless if we believe that something is impossible in our lives or even if we think we know something is impossible, what actually matters is that by being yourself you make sure that there is something wonderful in the world that was not there before.
There is no other you. So, guess what, you are impossible to replicate and that means you are a miracle.
If Life was easy, adventures would never be possible. Happiness is not a destination. Happiness is a journey. And what kind of journey would that be if there were no adventures along the way?
In other words, my life is an utter chaos and it will stay that way, and I better learn to love it. I am impossibly possible … I ‘M POSSIBLE
Oh, the joys of life. Shit doesn’t stop coming till the day you die.
Life must be a fan. Because when the shit hits the fan, it is obviously entertaining for somebody somewhere but not necessarily for you at that exact moment.
It would be highly appreciated if we could get a heads up like receiving a text or flashing banner: ”Incoming!” or “Duck!”, but, I guess, it is a bit too much to ask.
Living is difficult. It is definitely not an easy thing to do especially if your life has gone from typical difficulties you can recover from to a consistent streak of loss, stress, pain, exhaustion, bad luck, etc., without any breaks. And what if that streak lasts for years?
I guess when you have one of those streaks lasting for way too long, the future might start looking bleak, the belief that it will get better starts fading and is replaced with the feeling of being backed into a corner.
At that point, you do not expect a miracle. A little break would be sufficient; an opportunity to escape for a short period of time and not think about responsibilities or despair of things you can’t change.
So, what should you do when it hurts too much to live?
- Remind yourself that everyone hurts sometimes. You are not alone. It doesn’t change anything but the fact that you are aware of other people being in similar situations, makes a difference.
- Celebrate successes. Even in the worst situation, there are little successes that you can acknowledge and celebrate. Even the fact that you got out of bed and made coffee is a reason to be proud of yourself
- Find something good. Yes, it takes imagination and effort to be able to see anything good in a painful situation but not impossible.
- Be compassionate towards your own struggles. We are able to show compassion towards others but mostly lack the ability to show compassion towards ourselves. You are only a human and you are struggling. Be compassionate. Understand that sometimes there are forces beyond our reach and beyond our influence that determine what happens.
- Accept the burn. Accepting the situation, accepting the emotional burn, allows you to use the light and the power it generates (anger, determination, and stubbornness) to guide you through whatever you are going through. Don’t let it burn you. Use it as a motivation, use it as a driving force to hang on a little longer till you find your way out
- Remember, you always have a choice…There are always two ways out of any hopeless situation. They might not be pretty and might not be what you’d want, but you either fight or give up
I say, let it burn, go with the flow, and see where it takes you….