Another Heart Break

That day has come again when my heart gets ripped in pieces.

When you get comfortable with life and when you feel that you are in a decent place, not really thriving and fully enjoying life but somehow managing to stay sane in the rat race, something even more devastating hits you.

All this positive talk. All this self-growth. All this – go with the flow of life. All this and that…is just sometimes not enough to protect you from the pain of loss.

Loss is something that reaches the core of your being and just shreds you from within.

Of course, you survive and go on. You find a way. If you realize that life is just a flow of events and happiness depends on your choices to be happy and enjoy every moment, then things usually do not seem as dark as they would seem if you are stuck in the rat race.

However, loss of somebody you love is something that just cuts little pieces out of your heart and soul, makes you bleed, beats you down, sucks almost all positivity out of you.

With every loss, a small piece of your hearts dies off. How much a heart can take? Do you think that maybe at one point you will just find yourself empty and broken because every piece of your heart has been shattered and there is just nothing left?

Do you think that maybe there is a possibility of not being able to recover? Or do you think that no matter how much loss we experience, we can still find love within ourselves to keep going?

I Need It To Die…

We all know how precious life is. We all know that tomorrow is never guaranteed. We all know that 5 minutes from now could be the last 5 minutes of our lives and we’ll never see it coming.

If we know all that, why don’t we live to the fullest? Why don’t we pursue our dreams? Why do we still succumb to irrational fear? Why do we still hold back? “Why..” seems the most common question that comes up without a definite answer. There is always some kind of excuse or random explanation…

A few times in my life I have stopped and demanded a straight answer. No excuses, no standard answers, no brushing off the question, no avoiding, no hiding, no pretending.

And I have slowly built an understanding of what and why. It is me. Nobody else. It is me from a different world. I do not mean like a parallel universe or some kind of mystical place. I mean me who was raised to be a certain way. Me who was raised to continue to be like my people. Me who was supposed to inherit same beliefs, same values, same judgments, same standards.

Me who was supposed to develop the same vision of the world and become one of them with same fears, same insecurities, and same inability to accept anything out of the ordinary.

I can’t say I was supposed to become like all of them because there were different people, there were people who lived and laughed, lived and loved, lived and never judged, lived and brought light to other peoples lives but I was not surrounded by them. I did not get to experience anything different than suffering, sadness, and a lifelong struggle, so I started to become one of them.

Yes, I know, I am laughing out loud right now because this sounds so dramatic, so dark, so sad, but it was true and it was so long ago.  I was getting influenced more and more by the people I was surrounded and experiences of jealousy, unhappiness, sadness, hopelessness, need to prove yourself, and etc.

I got out and decided to become a different person and learn a new way of living my life. I decided that I don’t have to prove to anybody that I am worthy of love, I don’t have to care about what other people think of me, I don’t need other people to be happy, and I do not have to worry about anything but my choices and path that I take, experiences that I have, love that I give and receive.

However, I still have not been able to fully get rid of that other me. That other me who sometimes sticks her head out of the shadows and reminds me that I might not be enough. Still reminds me that I am supposed to always be sad and wait for other people and things to make me happy.

This other me doesn’t exactly mess with my head too much but it is quite annoying to catch it in action trying to emerge out of the shadows and just jab. This is especially annoying when you are having an extremely good day, you feel happy, you smile, and then there is this quiet voice coming from the deep within you that kind of whispers, kind of gently reminds you that this is not going to last forever, that this is not real, that life is about suffering and not happiness….

I so need this other me to die. I am so tired of the voice in my head that kicks in when I just want to go with the flow of life and enjoy. This other me is not welcome and is not wanted. It was me but not anymore. I should have a choice to choose who I want to be. I should not need to fight it or constantly tell it to go away. It just needs to die….

How To Get Over Yourself…

” No, don’t judge yourself by the years. You are as young as your heart feels”, says a granddaughter to her grandma couple days before her 90th birthday.

“Well, then I am already buried”, she answers…

These words struck me like lightning. Alzheimer’s is a brutal disease. It takes a healthy mind a locks it up in a dark room with no memories, no past, and no future. You are in the darkness, scared, confused, and basically almost dead.

We all make the same mistake. We think we have enough time to do or say whatever but, in reality, we don’t. Her answer keeps echoing in my mind over and over and the more I think ( I know, I should stop thinking) the more

Her answer keeps echoing in my mind over and over and the more I think ( I know, I should stop thinking) the more I realize, the death is near. Yes, it could be 50 or 100 years away but it also could just a second away. It doesn’t have to be the actual physical death, it can just be something that erases the awareness of who I am.

Of course, people are not afraid of death, they are afraid of non-existing, they are afraid of not being able to think, to feel, to relate to their surroundings.

Feeling, thinking, relating to situations, people, and surroundings is existing. You don’t actually have to die to be dead. So, when you have one of your fits about your broken nails or rush hour, of not having milk in the fridge, or that annoying co-worker, just take a deep breath. Feeling and getting angry or annoyed means that you are still alive. You are not trapped in your body not knowing who you are or who you are talking to.

When you get worked up about something, remember that how we perceive the world and people in it is not actually what is. You need to remember that everyone has their own perception of reality. Every situation has two different stories and two different realities. The world doesn’t revolve just around you.

However, life is also way too short to beat around the bush. Say what you mean. Don’t insult and be rude but be honest and true, be open-minded, and be ready to learn that what you think might not be the only way.

When we live in a narrow world of me…me…me, we put hurdles in our own growth. I don’t mean that other people should tell you what to do but I am saying that other people might have an interesting perspective. You might not agree with it but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist and it doesn’t mean that they do not allow you to see beyond your own narrow-minded beliefs.

Being stuck in a dark room with your own thoughts that you do not have any control over is the scariest thing in my books. Being trapped in your mind where you can’t tell what’s real and what is an illusion. Being trapped in a chaos of thoughts that don’t make any sense.  Being trapped in a vacuum of no memories – that fear alone makes me want to get over myself and my ways of looking at the world.

You do not have to like people. You do not have to agree with their choices. You do not have to do anything. Life is at your feet. You can choose any path you want. You can keep any person in your life and you can exclude any or all of them. You can make any choice you think is right. Just remember, whatever you are afraid of and whatever you are using as an excuse to not do something, it is nothing compared to being afraid of just being because you suddenly realize you have no clue who you are…

That moment when people talk to you like they know everything about you and your life but you don’t know who they are and you do not know who you are must be one of the scariest nightmares a person can live through…

So, find a way to get over yourself. Whatever it takes. Dance, listen to music, quit your job, learn a language, travel the world, get divorced, get married, rescue an animal, tell your boss to go somewhere, don’t show up for a party, tell someone you love them, buy a stranger a cup of coffee…

 

 

 

 

 

 

When The Sun Goes Down

Life is extremely unpredictable. When you think it can’t get worse, it comes up with something spectacular and blows your mind. Not necessarily in a positive way.

Small ups and downs are just a part of the ride but major blows that tear your heart apart is hard to comprehend.

Not enough that some people are a living proof of a day-to-day struggle of trying to make ends meet, or trying to stay sober, or trying to kick an addiction, or just trying to not kill themselves, Life sometimes decides to add an extra special gift of taking away what you love the most – a life of someone dear.

Every struggle is different, every fight to get over whatever you need to get over is something that nobody but you will be able to experience.

There are more questions starting with: ” how do I…” than answers that start with: ” This is how you…”

Why do we as a society pay more attention to teaching how to celebrate a win, a victory, an achievement,  instead of teaching how to make sure you are alright when you suffer a loss?

So, when the sun goes down in your own life or your friend’s life, how do you figure out what to do? There are many books written about “how to..” but we are all still lacking this important life skill and we are at a loss when the time comes. You can’t possibly suddenly rush to read a book for dummies on “how to…” and still be able to comprehend and adjust your feelings to feel or do the right thing. And what is the right thing to do?

We are so unequipped to handle any loss in our lives – loss or a job, loss of a house, loss of a pet, loss of a friend, loss of a family member, and even less equipped to handle anything when a friend suffers a loss.

I am just curious, why we do not teach our kids that death is part of life, that loss itself is inevitable, and how to deal with that.

Why do we just hide and hope that it will pass? Why do we awkwardly turn our heads away in emotional horror when we see a person who just lost a family member?

When the sun goes down, we all are left to deal with sorrows on our own and hopefully, someone is there for us to offer a helping shoulder when you feel like disappearing into nothingness to avoid feeling.

When the sun goes down, for some people it might not ever come up again.  So how about bringing a little piece of your Sun, your strength, your presence?

Fostewwing…Fostewwing is…

“Fostering is what brings us together today” as Peter Cook would say.

When we had to say goodbye to our beloved cat in 2015, I thought my heart was shattered in pieces and I would never be able to have another cat. Oh, boy, I was wrong.

Truth to be told, no other cat will ever be able to fill Alex’s shoes as she was an extremely special girl who taught us so much about unconditional love and trust.  However, she opened up a door that is impossible to close.

Forward 6 months, we decided to open up our house to a new adventure – fostering. We didn’t choose a cat to foster. We decided that we want a cat that needs us, which just meant that we asked for a cat that is going to be hard to adopt and requires a very attentive foster house to work with. And the Universe has heard us, we have had an amazing ride with many amazing special needs foster cats.

I don’t know how people can say – that is just a cat or that is just a dog or that is just a bunny. There is not such a thing as “just something”. Same as humans, all of them have personalities, all of them have things that they like, things that they hate, things that make them happy or angry. You just need to make an effort and give them a chance to show you.

It doesn’t matter if you are fostering animals or you are fostering children, it brings a different meaning to your life.

Fostering has opened up a floodgate in my heart and sometimes I think I might not make it out alive. I used to live in ignorance and stay in my comfort zone. I used to…now I can’t.

I chose to close my eyes to the most obvious truth – if I do not care, there won’t be anyone else to care.

Fostering taught me that no matter how much it hurts, it makes you a better person for yourself.  You stepping up and unconditionally loving your foster – be it an animal or a human child, gives your foster another chance at having a good life. You opening up your heart shows that humanity still exists.

Every foster (rescue) that dies or gets adopted breaks my heart. They take a little piece of my soul with them but, I know, I have done my part. I have shown them that humans can be trusted and that humans do deserve a second chance.

I feel responsible to provide as much love as I can to make up for the evil that walks the earth hurting and abusing those who can’t stand up for themselves.

One of my foster fails – a 15 pound Maine Coon has two BB pellets embedded in him. One is embedded in his shoulder and the other is stuck in between his throat and the spine. Someone used him as a target practice and a punching bag. Do you think he hates humans?

He is a cat, I wish, the majority of humans would be like. He loves everyone – dogs, cats, humans. He is a gentle giant who trusts without hesitation. It blows my mind to think that he still trusts and loves humans in spite of what they have done to him.

His unconditional love is something I wish for. I can’t say I have the ability to forgive and move on like he has.

So, fostewwing….is something that definitely makes me a better person in my own eyes. It gives me hope that I will never live in blissful ignorance again.

Impossibly Possible

The question of the day is – how come you don’t actually give a damn but then somehow still give a damn?

I wasted 30 minutes of my life today to think about this dilemma and concluded that there is a huge difference between not caring about something and then there is not giving a damn about it.

I don’t care is more in line with a lack of interest or strong feelings about the outcome, whereas, I don’t give a damn is about having strong feelings about the outcome but giving up or writing off any attempt to try to change that outcome at the same time.

If you give a damn about everything, then you create a perception that life should be an easy sail. You create a perception that you should always be happy and comfortable, and this is when you get slapped in the face and start thinking that life sucks.

Life is definitely not easy. Life is definitely not a piece of cake. Life is definitely not a well-drawn graph line that perpetually goes up or stays horizontal.

Life is a series of little miracles and, sometimes, impossible things become reality and, sometimes, possible things become not possible.

What is possible or impossible is just a product of our beliefs and not actually a product of something being true. It is not a product of our or somebody else’s capability. You can even say that what’s possible or impossible is a product of our beliefs about who we are.

I guess, regardless if we believe that something is impossible in our lives or even if we think we know something is impossible, what actually matters is that by being yourself you make sure that there is something wonderful in the world that was not there before.

There is no other you. So, guess what, you are impossible to replicate and that means you are a miracle.

If Life was easy, adventures would never be possible. Happiness is not a destination. Happiness is a journey. And what kind of journey would that be if there were no adventures along the way?

In other words, my life is an utter chaos and it will stay that way, and I better learn to love it. I am impossibly possible … I ‘M POSSIBLE

What happens when it hurts too much to live?

Oh, the joys of life. Shit doesn’t stop coming till the day you die.

Life must be a fan. Because when the shit hits the fan, it is obviously entertaining for somebody somewhere but not necessarily for you at that exact moment.

It would be highly appreciated if we could get a heads up like receiving a text or flashing banner: ”Incoming!” or “Duck!”, but, I guess, it is a bit too much to ask.

Living is difficult. It is definitely not an easy thing to do especially if your life has gone from typical difficulties you can recover from to a consistent streak of loss, stress, pain, exhaustion, bad luck, etc., without any breaks. And what if that streak lasts for years?

I guess when you have one of those streaks lasting for way too long, the future might start looking bleak, the belief that it will get better starts fading and is replaced with the feeling of being backed into a corner.

At that point, you do not expect a miracle. A little break would be sufficient; an opportunity to escape for a short period of time and not think about responsibilities or despair of things you can’t change.

So, what should you do when it hurts too much to live?

• Remind yourself that everyone hurts sometimes. You are not alone. It doesn’t change anything but the fact that you are aware of other people being in similar situations, makes a difference.
• Celebrate successes. Even in the worst situation, there are little successes that you can acknowledge and celebrate. Even the fact that you got out of bed and made coffee is a reason to be proud of yourself
• Find something good. Yes, it takes imagination and effort to be able to see anything good in a painful situation but not impossible.
• Be compassionate towards your own struggles. We are able to show compassion towards others but mostly lack the ability to show compassion towards ourselves. You are only a human and you are struggling. Be compassionate. Understand that sometimes there are forces beyond our reach and beyond our influence that determine what happens.
• Accept the burn. Accepting the situation, accepting the emotional burn, allows you to use the light and the power it generates (anger, determination, and stubbornness) to guide you through whatever you are going through. Don’t let it burn you. Use it as a motivation, use it as a driving force to hang on a little longer till you find your way out
• Remember, you always have a choice…There are always two ways out of any hopeless situation. They might not be pretty and might not be what you’d want, but you either fight or give up

I say, let it burn, go with the flow, and see where it takes you….

Tiptoeing Around

And here we go round and round our not so little EGO.

EGO is like that annoying splinter that is not bothering you all the time but when it does, it really puts an effort into it. No matter how hard you try,  you can’t get it out. You have to wait till your body gets irritated enough, inflamed, full of puss, and then expels it. Who knows when you will get irritated enough to get your EGO under control. You can’t exactly expel it like a splinter but you can work with it and somehow get it under control.

No matter how hard you try,  you can’t get it out. You have to wait till your body gets irritated enough, inflamed, full of puss, and then expels it. Who knows when you will get irritated enough to get your EGO under control. You can’t exactly expel it like a splinter but you can work with it and somehow control the direction it takes you.

Don’t you get frustrated with constant nagging and comparison to others? Don’t you get irritated by your own – I am good enough but not as good as I should be? Don’t you get irritated by – why don’t you be like so and so?

It’s like a broken record, it keeps going and going, and always comes back to the same spot where it started. You somehow manage to run around in circles trying to avoid dealing with whatever you need to but always end up coming back to where you started.

Somehow, it seems that human beings have 2 things in common – either avoiding the emotional pain or choosing the emotional pain as their purpose of existence. It’s either – “I do not want to deal with this” or “poor me”. It’s extremely rare: “Yeah, bring it on!”

How many people do you know who fit in the”Yeah, bring it on!” category? Do you think you are one of them?

How often do you take a deep breath and actually deal with it? How often do you just go with the flow of life and do not wish for it to be anything else but what it is?

It is so easy to celebrate success. It is so easy to be happy with whatever is happening that you like and feel pleased with. Unfortunately, life is not a walk in the park. Good times never last. It is way much harder to face the reality, deal with difficult people and difficult situations than to try to avoid everything else.

We usually choose the easiest path.  Sometimes we tip toe around whatever it is because it is easier and it is less stressful. We tiptoe around our own anxieties just to stay safe. We tiptoe around our fears, we tiptoe around any decision that will trigger sadness.

“I want to keep my sanity” – we tell ourselves. But is it actually true? Can you tiptoe around something without dealing with it and keep your sanity?

Life deals all kinds of funny cards and you have to play the game either you want it or not.  We never have an intention to break ourselves but, I guess, the more we tiptoe around ourselves the less we are able to keep our sanity. Your sanity depends on the state of your mind.

And what kind of state of mind can you have if all you do is tiptoe around everything that makes you uncomfortable?

Can you tiptoe around and still find a peace of mind?

Can you tell me what will happen when you stop tiptoeing?  What is the worst thing that can happen? Is your EGO going to get hurt, beaten down, vanished?

 

 

Trust…

For some people, this is just a picture of two house cats on a railing, but for me this is a moment of teary eyes. The little black and white autistic cat with so many psychological and physical challenges, whom we adopted because nobody would be able to take care of as well as we could, sleeping with our Maine Coon Russian Blue mix on the same railing.

A cat who hisses at the thin air; a cat who rips her fur off her head just because there are unknown stressors in her life; a cat who doesn’t except change; a cat who is allergic to everything with wings; a cat who has affection just for humans and only at night; a cat who doesn’t like to be picked up or touched unless it is her idea; a cat who doesn’t play well with other cats, chose to sleep on the railing with her adopted brother.

This is a moment when I started to believe in miracles. Little simple things in life make a huge impact, not just for me but for her, our little autistic Beans.

I look at this picture and can’t help to smile. Life works in mysterious ways. Things that seem impossible become possible. Things that seem helpless turn to be the best thing that could have happened to you.

Trust that everything happens for a reason. It’s almost never what you want or dream of, it is always what you actually need.

Trust – is one of the hardest things we can do. Trust is hard to earn but so easy to lose.

However, when it comes to life, you do not have the luxury of choice – you just have to trust.

 

Hang In There…

Do you believe your life is about surviving? Do you think we survive at work, we survive at home, we survive in the relationship, and etc.? Do you think every single moment of your life is just hanging in there?

It is not so much in North America as much in the post-soviet union countries but it seems like every single moment of your life is perceived as a survival.

The other day I noticed that majority of my correspondence with friends and family back home ends with them telling me: hang in there. I don’t think they realize what they are saying or what words they are using. It’s just the way they have talked day in day out through generations.

Obviously, life is not easy. Our society works as a well-oiled machine only when everyone does their job to contribute and some people get the shitty part of the stick. However, if you perceive that everything you do is just hanging in, then the questions is – when do you live? When does the time come when you enjoy your life, when do you enjoy being, and when do you enjoy the journey you are on?

I have talked about this many times. Shit happens, life is a rollercoaster, but the suffering is an option. Life is not what you get, life is what you make out of it. I would hate to think that majority of people just exist to survive and can’t find anything positive in existence itself.

When I think of a generation of people from the post-soviet union era and compare it to people in some African countries, the post-soviet union seems like a paradise but, for some odd reason, people in Africa seem to be able to enjoy their lives much more. Why would that be so?

I don’t need to hang in there. I have a good life. A very good life. There is nothing that stands in my way of being happy except me. I have all my basic needs taken care of and all that is left is my attitude.

I guess, some people just don’t know what happiness is. They don’t realize that they are indeed masters of their own lives. The only reason they are not happy is because they choose to see the negative and ignore the positive. They don’t know what it means to be happy. They choose to complain about things they don’t have and refuse to acknowledge the truth – Happiness is a choice. It is not a thing that you need to find or buy.

“Hang in there” – is the last thing I want to hear. There is nothing to hang in for. I choose where my life goes. I choose to be happy. I choose to believe that my life is a journey and it goes up and down and I get to decide what path to take. I am not a victim of circumstances. I make my choices, I make decisions in my life. Sometimes the path I take is not smooth but it is just that – an adventure with a few unpleasant turns.

When the time comes and the game is over – then I will have something to complain about. Till then, I choose to love whatever comes my way – be it good or complicated, pleasant or unpleasant, things that upset me, hurt me, annoy me, make me smile, make me happy, make me angry, or make me feel nothing.

I live…and choose what I make out of my life. I do not hang in there…maybe just for a bit to scare the shit out of myself.