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Today I drowned


Jenny’s Jottings: Raging Rivers

“….Have you ever quenched your thirst with an unfilled cup? Or drenched yourself completely in a heavy rainfall, under a clear azure sky?
Have you ever emotionally moved the heart of a heartless soul? Or became the soul of its bleak shadow, latched unto transience?
She may ask me how’s my day going, but all those lumps in my throat talk in tiny wisps of smoke, telling her that today feels like the first day of drowning….”

Mugilan Raju

Those words dig deep and turn everything inside out.

It’s almost Christmas and I have been feeling like I am drowning for some time. The truth is, usually around holidays I have to start paying attention to how I feel and thoughtfully adjust the direction I go with my thoughts.

Some things are hard to change, especially the ones that have been engrained in me since early childhood. Christmas had never been a happy time. It always brought pain, sadness, emotional distress, and some level of depression.

As I figured that life is an amazing journey, I learned to not live in the past but use it as a guiding principal.

Realistically, as life is an ever changing river that can flow calmly one moment and become a raging rapids caring beast and, all it takes is a minute, we have to learn to float and enjoy the flow. You can’t control it, but you can control how you feel and how much enjoyment you can get out the journey.

You can choose to fear everything, you can choose to be afraid of all kinds of possibilities and spend your precious time worrying about what can happen, or you can trust that whatever comes is as enjoyable and as awesome as it can get.

It’s been years since I had an episode of sadness and it seems I can’t shake it off. Christmas don’t excite me, the spirit of holidays has not come, and the peace and harmony is nowhere to be found.

I just hope that this is time to reflect – the time when I need to stop, take a deep breath and check, if I am still authentic.




Day two out of 5 grabbing random words off posters or Google images.

One of the quotes that I read recently and that stuck with me is as follows:

“…there are two types of pain in this world. Pain that hurts you and pain that changes you…”

You and I already know that emotional pain is inevitable, the suffering is optional though.

When I ask myself what emotional pain means to me, it is always the same answer – Ego gets bruised.

Either somebody thought they were better than me or I didn’t get the credit for what I did, or nobody asked me, or someone doesn’t like me, or nobody invited me, or nobody knows who I am or…etc., it always comes down to Ego.

It’s not like you can get a pony to ride around and eat ice-cream for breakfast. Self-realization, self-esteem, ambitions, jealousy, ignorance, self-centered wants, and many more wants and needs contribute to who I have become and what I think I deserve.

I guess, the emphasis here is on: what I think I deserve!

Of course, there are so many stories of abuse, bullying, poverty, and inequality, and everyone should be treated equally and have a decent level of living, but this time it is not about that.

It is about what I think I deserve and what I really really, seriously, really really need and if I do not get it, I am hurt. And this pain, my friend, is classified as bruised Ego.


My Girlfriend Had An Abortion

Courtesy of google images

Courtesy of google images

There are some tough decisions in this life. And you never know when you will have to make one.

It is so easy to judge somebody not knowing what they have gone through and why they are making decisions that you might not agree with.

You know it is hard to go through life without judgment. It is actually really hard just to look at things, people, events and not have an opinion on either it is good or bad, acceptable or not acceptable, moral or immoral.

It is even harder to admit that nobody has a clue how to live right because nobody knows what living right is. That is why you have cults, you have churches, you have KKK, you have groups of people who get together to come up with some kind of guidelines to make it easier to maneuver through life and everything that comes at you.

What does it have to do with my girlfriend having an abortion? Absolutely nothing. It was a blog entry written by a man who experienced hostility from “pro-life” supporters at the doors of an abortion clinic where he went to support his girlfriend.

He chooses to do something good for women who have made a tough choice. For every negative there is something positive. He was there watching, listening, and feeling when he realized how angry and blind some people can be. He chose no judgment approach and started giving positive support just by being there and listening if women needed to talk.

Then he took it even further, he started giving women flowers. Not as a congratulation but as an appreciation for being brave.

Some people will say that this man is brave. In his mind, he is riding a bull and wondering how the hell he got there and how the hell he is going to get out of this alive.

However, he still chooses good and he still chooses positive – no judgment. Just being there as much as he can just to be a little positive in the world of negative.

You do not need guidelines. You do not need a book or groups of people to tell you how to live. You do not need your own parents or relatives or church to tell you what’s right and what’s wrong or how you should live.

You should just stop judging yourself and others and start enjoying life the way it is – with good and bad in it, with happiness, sadness, pain, joy, love, loss . Listen to your heart….

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