The Shit We Do Not Want to Admit


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The bell started ringing in your head and it hasn’t stopped. It might have stopped for some period of time when you put an effort into not thinking and avoiding, but today that ugly nasty bell is ringing again.

You, of all people, know that the bell will not stop ringing till you do something about it. Not the first or last time the darn bell goes off and you realize that there is no one who can shush it except you. Nobody has your bell annoying them. They have their own bells.

So, how do you unfuck yourself? Isn’t that the question of the millennium?

I guess, there is no perfect recipe that works for everyone. The only thing that has historically helped is – educate yourself. Read, read, and keep asking questions if what you know today is true. Read not just articles and books that you agree with but read everything that is against what you believe today.

Is this true for everyone all the time?  Is this true because I want it to be true or because I have been living in ignorance? Is it true because somebody I trust told me that it is, and etc.?

The more you read and ask questions instead of taking everything for granted, the more you will start seeing the difference between your opinion, perception, convictions, flat out faith, and the truth.

My mother, the most altruistic person I know, lives her life and relies on other people to tell her what’s right because she doesn’t know who she is and doesn’t trust her own opinion. Every time you ask her, why she made a decision or why she thinks something is true, her answer is: “…well other people know best. If so many people do it or believe it, it must be right….”

However, she can’t comprehend that those other people are exactly like her, still searching for answers and faking their way through life. There is no way they know more than you do. They just pretend and convince themselves that they know.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t want to know what’s true. She is so deep in the mud that unfucking herself is not an option today. It really scares me. It scares me because I do not ever want to become what my mother has become.

I don’t ever want to be in the situation that makes me feel that everyone else around me knows what’s best for me and makes decisions on what I should believe in or what I should become. Why don’t I want to be in that situation? Because nobody has ever answered the following: what is my purpose on this earth? Because nobody knows what the meaning of life is. Nobody has a freaking clue. And if nobody has a freaking clue, then how the heck can they tell me who I am or what I should do.

Why don’t I want to be in that situation? Because nobody has ever answered the following: what is my purpose on this earth? Because nobody knows what the meaning of life is. Nobody has a freaking clue. And if nobody has a freaking clue, then how the heck can they tell me who I am or what I should do.

At the end of the day, I am happy because what I feel is right is what defines me, regardless if anyone else around me agrees. And I know, that what I believe in changes based on what I learn. Knowledge is the key to freedom. Knowledge is the key to acceptance of everything else that happens around me and acceptance of people that are different from me.

Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is the way I want. Being happy means that I am ok with things happening around me the way they are. Being happy means that I can be myself and not feel that I have to fit in. Being happy means that I have made a decision to be alright with my choices and trust that I am doing the right thing.

Being happy is a complicated thing for some people. They believe that being happy is an adventure of a lifetime, a complicated game where you need to complete tasks and achieve goals. Some people believe that whatever they do has to be approved by other people. For some people happiness is fitting in, happiness is being like everyone else, even though they always insist on pointing out that they are unique and they are individuals, and they don’t care what others think.

It’s the most bizarre thing to state that you are unique but still just want to fit in, want to be accepted, and be acknowledged for your thoughts. You can’t be unique and fit in at the same time. You can’t have a different opinion and still be one of them and be treated like you fit in. Those things are mutually exclusive.

I do not remember where I heard this or who said this but it hit me right where it hurts

“..Be who you were before all that stuff happened that dimmed your fucking shine…”

You know what is the saddest thing? I have no flipping clue who I was before something or someone dimmed my fucking shine.

The majority of us have a past that we do not want to talk about or do not remember. In my case, I have only a few memories till I turned 12. So, it would probably take thousands of dollars to dig into my subconscious to get out what I have blocked from my memory.

So, what is the shit that I do not want to admit? What is the shit that you do not want to admit? And is it actually Shit or we just think it is?

But, I guess, the better question is – Does it actually matter?

The Worst Day Ever

grumpy cat“The worst day ever…” – you hear it on the street, you hear it at work, you hear it at home, and sometimes you say it yourself.

Being late for work is not the worst day ever. The store is out of milk, still not considered to be the worst day ever. Ok, ok….you miss your plane. Still not the worst day ever. A very bad day but not the worst.

Maybe losing your car keys are the worst thing that has happened to you so far, but it is definitely not the worst day ever.

I think we all need to stop and think about words that we choose to describe a setback or an inconvenience. We are so immersed in a world of nonsense and small inconveniences that we forget things that actually matter.

There is only one thing that makes it the worst the day – the death of somebody you loved with all you heart.  You either knew it was coming or  it just happened suddenly. The worst nightmare ever is to receive the call you don’t wish onto anybody.

There are a lot of things (being raped, being assaulted) that are horrible but losing the love of your life – be it your child, your husband, your wife, your parents, your sibling or your pet, is something you can’t ever recover from.

So, please do not say that you had the worst day ever just because you broke your nail or your favorite soccer / football team lost a game.

He Beat Me Up Pretty Good

wp-1461293685173.jpgToday I was reminded that there is so much evil in the world I live in.  Not that I didn’t know or wasn’t aware but just, as always, when something happens right in your face, you are forced to acknowledge the fact and face it.

“So many heartless people”, I thought to myself as I was bleeding in my basement.  You think you know somebody but, most likely, you don’t.

Sometimes you might wonder, how come for every 10 good people, there is this one who doesn’t deserve to be called  “human”.

Today I was reminded again what unconditional love is. I saw terror in my little boy’s eyes when he scratched me to get away from bad memories, bad experience, the terror that a harmless folded carpet reminded him of.

It doesn’t take a university degree to figure out – somebody had hurt him before he came to our house. My eyes teared up.  Not from deep bloody wounds in my forearms but from a thought about what could have happened to my little kitty to make him so skittish.

Cats love tunnels and boxes but my boy is avoiding most of them or is extremely cautious and never fully gets in if the box is tight or if you try to put him in there.

I know, karma is a bitch and I can fully rely on her to pay back with all the goodness she can come up with to repay for whatever the person did to him. My bloody arms are just a reminder to love and give him a safe place to grow old. We will figure this out and put it behind us.

My boy might have beaten me up pretty good and he might have made me bleed but he also reminded me that I have a choice – to become a part of the solution by not turning a blind eye.

My boy also reminded me that there are people out there who will inflict pain onto others to get away from their own internal pain and there are people out there who enjoy hurting animals and people because they get joy out of it.

Even though my first reaction is anger, I choose to rely on Karma to figure out who deserves what because I do not have time to hate and waste my precious life  on people like that. I have better things to do. Things like earning trust and love of my little boy and sharing precious moments of my life with him and his adoptive sister.

I could waste my life by focusing on anger and that way also waste my TODAY. I choose to let go of the past and build a better future by living every moment today.

There are other good people who will come for those who deserve to be punished for their wrong doings and animal abuse.

One Dead, Many More To Go


sorry you died

Courtesy of

This is the most insensitive thing I have said this week. It might be insensitive but, unfortunately, it is as true as it gets.

Cruel reality reminds us almost on a daily basis how fragile and unpredictable your life is. Life doesn’t hold back. There is no pause before something happens. There is no memo sent out to warn you. There is no “heads up”.

Every day you wake up and go on with your routine. You get angry if something or somebody interferes with your flow, but, I guess, every person needs certain structure in their life.

We all are self centered egotistical beings no matter what you say. Even the most selfless gesture is still self-centered behaviour.  You do it because you feel it is the right thing to do. It makes you feel good. It makes you respect yourself. It makes you sleep better at night. You did the right thing and didn’t expect anything back.

As older you get as more people start dying around you. When you are younger, you don’t pay much attention to that. And as older you get, as more guilt you start feeling. Guilt about decisions that you have made or not made.

Decisions like – meeting up with that old friend, or writing that email that you have thought about for years, maybe even making that phone call . You know exactly what I am talking about.  It lingers in the air, you think about it, you almost come close to doing it but then you either find an excuse or something gets in your way.

Yes, this post is written because, again, I made a conscious decision to post pone a meeting with a friend and now I will never have that opportunity given to me again. I might stand by the grave of this friend, crying or talking, but I will never be able to hug this person or smile at them and say – nice to catch up.

I can find all kinds of excuses why I did not try harder but it will not do any good. This situation keeps repeating itself and I keep finding myself regretting the excuse – I will do it later.

Life keeps teaching me a lesson that there might not be “later” but I am too slow to learn. Every time something happens, I reflect, I feel guilty, I make promises to myself that I will never do that again, and I keep hitting my head against the same wall and wondering why.

Yes, it is just a journey. And, yes, death is a part of life that nobody will escape. And, yes, as they say – shit happens. It, however, doesn’t change the fact that I choose not to go with the flow of life and try to make choices that will lead me to the place that I think I need to be at.

This place is just a vague idea and if you ask me, I have no clue where that is. I have no clue how it looks like but somehow I still make decisions that I think are more important than they actually are.

I know, it all sounds so philosophical and better people have expressed the same thought in more sophisticated words but one thing is for sure – we need to stop bullshitting ourselves with fake convictions and imaginary happiness.

Just be real, be you, live….and say goodbye to those you care about as they might go any minute without any warning.

When In Doubt, Love Is Not The Answer

sims-2-randomness-01-2-728You hear it all the time – love always wins. No, it doesn’t. You know it, I know it, and everyone else knows it. It is true only in movies and books.

Yes, it is hard to admit that love can’t solve all the problems. However, it is even harder to admit that you have no clue what your life or love is all about. I am not even talking about which person is Love of your life. I am talking about such a simple thing as knowing yourself.

Knowing yourself sometimes seems the hardest thing to accomplish but it is the base for everything that you will build from this day forward.

Love – such a beautiful word.
Love – such an amazing feeling (well, at least the first part of it – being in love). Love sometimes hurts.
Love – such a magical state to thrive for.
Love – not the answer to your existence problems.

The answer is – it is whatever you want it to be. Yes, it is as simple as that. No matter what the question is, the answer is always whatever you want it to be.

How about love? What about it? Love is your choice. Love is Acceptance and The End Result of your journey.

There are multiple journeys you will take throughout your life.

  • A journey to self-discovery. This one is a never ending story. Most of the time, no idea where it ends but it always is a morphing, developing, and a changing thing that you can’t catch up with.
  • A journey to a short term goal. Hundreds, maybe even thousands of short-term goals. Things like buying something, getting a house or a car, adopting a cat or a dog, taking a class or getting a certificate, finding a new job, and etc.
  • A journey to become a better person. This is, more or less, a journey of learning life lessons and changing your understanding of the world and people around you.
  • A journey of your life. If there is a beginning, there is an end. The many paths you take, the many experiences you have, the many thoughts and feelings you encounter. There is no right or wrong, there is just a path you walk and choices you make. Every path is unique, every choice is the best you could have made at that point in time with the knowledge you had. And the journey will end….Nobody has escaped that.

Love for life itself is still not the answer to your problems but is the answer to something bigger. Love is just a side effect you experience when you allow yourself be. Love is, in other words, the peace in your heart, acceptance of circumstances, acceptance of as-is state at any point in time.

When you have doubts about anything, just let it go. Things will sort themselves out.
The silliest thing ever is that – no, Love won’t always win, Life will. The flow of things are not built around human beliefs that LOVE always wins, it is built around the fact that Life is just a combination of random events that might or might not be caused by your decisions.

Once you accept this randomness, love or state of content will become the answer. It will not be the tool, but it will be the state of mind you are in.


Homesick for a place that doesn’t exist


Courtesy of Justin Bergeron 

Life is so short to sweat the small stuff. However, the big stuff is not necessary something that we are aware of. When you think about it, you think you feel it, you imagine it, but you still can’t fully verbalize what that place is that you wish for.

They say – dream big. Well, what are you supposed to dream about? A good career? Children? Family? Big house? A very expensive car? Oh, I know, happiness and inner peace…

Yeah, but, again, who in the world can define what happiness is when nobody knows? So, long story short, we are homesick for a place that doesn’t exist. We are homesick for a feeling that is either created by us or someone in our lives. Feeling that we so desperately are seeking but never find.  It is just never enough…

Somehow, today, right here right now, not many people know what it means to live and enjoy every moment that they are given. They appreciate everything they have experienced and achieved but they still judge and wish for something better.

It is hard to accept the fact that there is nothing wrong with your world. Everything is exactly the way it should be. Maybe not pleasant, maybe full of pain and disappointment, and maybe not deserved but exactly the way it should be.

We Are All Criminals

“Oh, hell no, I am not a criminal..” you’d want to say. Let’s be honest, yes, you are. We all are thieves, murderers, manipulators, cheaters, abusers, and etc.

Just because you have never been convicted of any offenses, doesn’t mean you are not a criminal.

Let’s look at this. What and who is a criminal?

Definition of criminal. 1 : being guilty of an act that is unlawful, foolish, or wrong.

Have you ever said something to somebody that left them heart-broken?

Have you ever repeated something that someone else said at work and ended up being in the right place, right time, and were heard by the right people?

Have you ever lied to someone so you can benefit from it? Don’t deny it. At some point in time, you lied to yourself, lied to your parents, lied to your partner, lied to your co-workers, lied to the neighbor, lied at the bank, and etc…

Have you ever said or did something that destroyed (emotionally, spiritually) somebody’s dreams, life?

Have you ever hit somebody or pushed somebody intentionally?

In other words, just because you have not been prosecuted for moral crimes or physical or emotional abuse, doesn’t mean that you are not a criminal. You are…

Some crimes are punishable by jail, some by lethal injection, and some just slip through the cracks.

Moral crimes are not causing less damage. They just leave deeper scars.

We tend to harm ourselves and people around us. You break promises and leave people heart-broken. You steal somebody else’s ideas and present them as yours. You are verbally abusive to others; sometimes they deserve it and sometimes they don’t but it is still not right. You cheat, you lie, you manipulate.

We justify our moral crimes…


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