If I learned anything from losing Alex, is that living in a moment is very important. We hear these words almost daily – do what you love, say what you think, don’t hesitate to show how you feel, because tomorrow might be too late, and we almost never actually do it till it is too late.
Only a tragedy will lead you to a deeper understanding of the truth within you.
What does that mean? It just means that something tragic (literally or not) has to happen for you to realize what is important.
That moment when everything else (job, people, car, money, politics, etc.) seems irrelevant, you realize- you are on the wrong path or making wrong choices, or are in a wrong relationship, or pursuing a dream that is not yours, or you were just too busy to appreciate what you had.
These are only words to some of you but a painful reality to others.
So, today, learning from the best, I am asking myself:
After the fall, are you ready to get up?
Grieving is a complicated thing. From day one we learn how to celebrate achievements and wins but when things come to knowing how to grieve a loss, we suddenly realize that we have no clue what to do.
Not just we do not know how to grieve our own losses, we do not know how to deal with other people grieving. We do not know what to say or do, so we avoid, we run, we just put our heads down and hope that we do not have to face the person.
I guess, once you have experienced grief, you learn a thing or two.
First, let yourself be. Whatever emotions come, go with the flow. Don’t hold back or try to control.
Second, there is no right or wrong way. There is only your way. You can’t classify it, you can’t rationalize or explain.
Third, whatever you feel, that is the way to go.
Fourth, guilt and anger are natural feelings. As human beings we are pre-dispositioned to fix whatever is wrong. If we can’t fix or save or make it better, we get angry and we blame people, things, ourselves.
Fifth, forgive yourself.
It is really important to remember, you can’t change the past and you can’t relive it. You have to find a way to let it go.
You have to take one day at a time and get comfortable with what you got right here right now. Pain will never go away. It will fade. Emptiness will never be filled, but you will find a way to bring something new into your life and that will bring you peace and comfort.
Practice talking about it. First to yourself, then to others. The more you talk, the easier it will become. Sometimes somebody will say something that will change your whole perspective.
As crazy as it sounds, even if you talk out loud just with yourself, if you verbalize what you feel, your sub consciousness deals with it. When you say it out loud, you learn to accept it and that starts healing.
I do not expect miracles. So, I take a deep breath – one day at a time.
On June 10, 2015 at 4:30 pm my heart stopped beating and I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to breathe again. No, I did not die but a half of my soul did.
We were given a day to say goodbye to the sweetest little girl that we had an honor to love and share our lives with for the past 10 years.
Going through the experience of learning how to let go of something that is dear to your heart because it is the right thing to do, has taught me a huge lesson. Live in the moment -enjoy every second of what you’ve got.
My heart is broken and it will be broken for a long time. The love and trust I received from Alex is not something you can express in words. She fell asleep in my lap knowing that she is loved and safe, and that she is surrounded by people who were there for her when she needed it the most.
I will miss my girl and her unconditional love. She was family.
As it has been said a million times by many people – tell people and your animals that you love them because tomorrow might be too late.
It just happened that today I was stalking you for entire 5 minutes as we were walking the same direction on opposite sides of the road.
It looked like you were having a fierce conversation with yourself and apparently did not agree with whatever solution you have come up with. Only if I could, I would have video taped every single facial expression of yours. It made me wonder, it made me concerned, and it made me smirk, and I almost laughed out laud at one point.
As mischievous as I am, I started to fill in the blanks and gave your gestures some voice . I am pretty sure you were quitting your job and all you needed is that grand departure that would leave everyone speechless and yourself proud.
From what I could tell your right side of the brain wanted you to flip them off and walk through a hallway like you own the floor. Your left side was not impressed and wanted you to tell them what you think about them and then walk away like you owned them.
In a heat of the argument righty got way too emotional and slapped lefty and suddenly it became a domestic violence incident in your head.
I am not sure how the argument ended as we spent only 5 minutes of quality time walking on the opposite sides of the road. I just hope that whoever won made a you a better person.
I found a great article today: “7 Strange Questions That Help You Find Your Life Purpose“. I hope it reaches many searching souls and starts a conversation.
“What do I want to do with my life?”
“What am I passionate about?”
“What’s my purpose?”
Those are not questions you need to ask as they will get you nowhere. Life is not a destination, life is a journey. It has been written in books, it has been printed on T-Shirts and it has been a selling point for all kinds of businesses that thrive in “Self-help” and ” I will hold your hand till you find your calling” world.
Humans are a changing entity. We are like a river that flows faster or slower, changes directions, dries out or overflows. We do not stay the same. And because of this infinite change, passion or purpose changes. Sometimes daily, sometimes yearly, sometimes hourly.
There is no higher purpose than enjoying whatever seems interesting or important right now. You live for this moment as next moment might not come. Even if you find what you are passionate about today, tomorrow that passion will morph into something else. It will take a different direction, it will change, it will grow, and it will expand.
If you recognize that everything or everybody who comes into your life is all for you, you will be much better off going with the flow and seeing where it takes you, than trying to find definite answers to questions.
Mark Manson mentions in his article:
Part of the problem is the concept of “life purpose” itself. The idea that we were each born for some higher purpose and it’s now our cosmic mission to find it. This is the same kind of shitty logic used to justify things like spirit crystals or that your lucky number is 34 (but only on Tuesdays or during full moons).
I would say that we are born with a higher purpose and this higher purpose is to live and enjoy every moment of your life. Even if that is talking to crystals. If that is what makes you happy today, do it. As long as you have the clarify and awareness of the flow of life and as long as you are not stuck in a world of false beliefs, you will be fine.
False beliefs like you have to fit in, you can’t embarrass your parents, you have to do the right thing, and you have to be a valuable part of the society (meaning that you have to do this or that or something else like everyone else does).
If you have been going down the path of asking questions mentioned above, stop it. Seriously, just stop. Replace those questions with:
What makes me happy today?
But if that is a huge leap for you, at least add a word today to those questions. What do I want to do with my life today? What am I passionate about today? What’s my purpose today?
That day will definitely come when you have to make a choice to:
– live for yourself or live for others
– to accept or not accept a simple truth that It Is What It Is
– keep going down the path you have been struggling on or take a leap of faith and do something different
– be happy or be a victim
Life is not complicated even though most of the time it is hard to explain your choices. It is never about it being complicated, it is always about you making it complicated.
This post is dedicated to one of my friends who might or might not be ready to hear this. I will post it anyways. I feel that it is the right time and the right place.
You know how sometimes it seems that your life is like a rollercoaster? It goes up and down and never goes back to normal? Even if sometimes it seems that you have somehow figured out how to handle life and yourself in it, one morning you wake up and, it seems that somehow while you were sleeping, your life just plummeted into a downward spiral. It might happen frequently and it may take some time between the ups and downs, but you know exactly what I mean. It goes from a harmony to an emotional hell without a reason.
You live your life trying to understand the world, people in it, yourself, and your place in this world, but somehow it just doesn’t make sense. Sometimes, when you are amongst your friends, you laugh, you goof around, and you feel like you fit in, but sometimes you are amongst them and it feels like you are from a different planet. And it is not about your friends accepting you for who you are or loving you unconditionally. You know they love you and accept you. It is about you and the feeling that you have. That feeling that you just do not belong. That there is something else. Something bigger. You just can’t put a finger on it.
There is this void, this unbearable feeling that you can’t explain. It just seems that you do not belong…you are just different. No matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to find anything in common with other people. You see the world and you see yourself, and it just doesn’t add up.
If you read this and it resonates with you, you might be standing on a border of crossing over. Crossing over where or what?
I will have to use a hamster analogy to explain. We, human beings, are like hamsters in a cage with a wheel. We live our lives thinking that the cage and getting in that wheel to spin (for as long as we can) is the purpose of our lives.
As humans we think that our purpose is to get education, get a good job, get married, maybe start a family, have a career, and contribute to the society. We live and breathe that conviction (spinning the wheel).
It is like a hamster who gets in a wheel and runs in it. When you look around, what you see is – a whole bunch of hamsters who teach other hamsters on how to get in that wheel and spin for a long time because that is what you are supposed to do.
Family, friends, media, books, and TV share pointers and thoughts on how to be happy on how to get the best job ever, how to start a family, how to meet your soulmate, and how to find THE MEANING of your life..and etc. Meaning – how to jump into a wheel, how to pace yourself, how to breathe, how to use legs, and how to master that wheel we are spinning in. There are hamsters (leaders, churches, gurus) that seem have figured out the wheel and how to do it right. They are heroes because life is about spinning the wheel and they can do it longer then everybody else.
Yes, you might trip and you might get thrown out of that wheel, but you get up, get in line again with other hamsters and listen, learn, master your thoughts, and when you get to that wheel for the second or third or hundreds time, you have a whole bunch of new techniques to apply. Family, community, different state/province, and different religion is just a different way of thinking on how to spin the wheel. It seems that this time you got it but then suddenly you still get thrown out of the wheel. You get the feeling of euphoria and then you receive a cold shower and you have no clue why. You are following the best, you are applying their techniques, their approach, and should be succeeding, but it never works out.
When you look around, you might notice that there are other hamsters that behave differently – the odd balls. They either keep to themselves away from others and they do their own thing or they participate in conversations and socializing but never get in the wheel. You can even spot a smirk that they have when they talk to other hamsters and it seems that they know something others don’t. You want to know what they know as they, apparently, see something that can help you.
These hamsters might see other cages with hamsters in them (other countries where things are done differently, where beliefs are different). They might even leave their own cage and wander off to other cages to try out those wheels for a bit but you can see in their eyes that they did it for fun not because they had to. They are not spinning the wheel because they feel that it is what you have to do or that it is an answer to the most important question – “what is the purpose of my life?” These hamsters are aware of multiple cages with multiple wheels in them. They are aware of hamsters and their ways and if they choose to join, it is not because they believe but because they choose to play that game.
The reality is – a cage is still a cage and a wheel is still a wheel regardless what beliefs you have, regardless what techniques you have on how to spin that wheel and succeed in spinning.
If you are ready, you might even notice that there are hamsters that have left their cages and never went to a different one. They are living their lives between cages fully aware of cages and other hamsters. They just have nothing in common with them. What does that mean? You can live your life realizing that your family, your community, your or other countries are just an illusion, just a belief that gets passed on from generation to generation based on beliefs and faith. Beliefs that people have figured out to be the purpose of life. They all spin wheels – some faster, some slower, following some kind of rules and beliefs.
If you do understand the hamster analogy, you might be ready to cross over. You might be ready to choose the right path and let go of the belief that you have to follow everyone else to find answers. We live and we die, and there is nothing that you have to do. The rules of the game called “life” revolve around only one truth – you are going to die and you better enjoy every moment of your life. Find what makes you happy and forget what other people think happiness means.
You are not a hamster and you do not belong in a wheel. Everything that has a beginning has an end but it is up to you how you live the life in between. You only have one chance. There are no replays. You can spin the wheel as long as you understand it is nothing that you have to do. It is something that you choose to and you are having fun doing it instead of believing that you are destined to do it and you better be the best at doing it.
There is no difference between being a homeless person and a millionair as long as you are enjoying living the experience.