Another Heart Break

20180122_202333.jpgThat day has come again when my heart gets ripped in pieces.

When you get comfortable with life and when you feel that you are in a decent place, not really thriving and fully enjoying life but somehow managing to stay sane in the rat race, something even more devastating hits you.

All this positive talk. All this self-growth. All this – go with the flow of life. All this and that…is just sometimes not enough to protect you from the pain of loss.

Loss is something that reaches the core of your being and just shreds you from within.

Of course, you survive and go on. You find a way. If you realize that life is just a flow of events and happiness depends on your choices to be happy and enjoy every moment, then things usually do not seem as dark as they would seem if you are stuck in the rat race.

However, loss of somebody you love is something that just cuts little pieces out of your heart and soul, makes you bleed, beats you down, sucks almost all positivity out of you.

With every loss, a small piece of your hearts dies off. How much a heart can take? Do you think that maybe at one point you will just find yourself empty and broken because every piece of your heart has been shattered and there is just nothing left?

Do you think that maybe there is a possibility of not being able to recover? Or do you think that no matter how much loss we experience, we can still find love within ourselves to keep going?

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The Gift I Do Not Want

fireWe all are born with some kind of gift. Something that makes you different from others. Something that you either love and embrace or something that you do not appreciate or want.

Being intuitive is a curse. It feels like Mother Nature has forgotten to gift the ability to turn a blind eye, accept, and go on with your life like nothing happened.

I can tell a person’s character by a mere five-minute conversation. I can tell if a person is honest or makes things up as they go. I can tell if a person has a low self-esteem, if a person is not a team player, and if a person is not a good person in general. 

You would think that having an ability to accurately assess people would give you an opportunity to turn this to your advantage. Wrong! If you are a decent person, you would not take an advantage of this and you would not play with people or manipulate them to get what you want.

We all have flaws, we all have insecurities, we all have struggles, and we all have a past that we are trying to deal with. Struggles and low self-esteem doesn’t make us useless or bad or undesirable or not worthy. Those are just flaws…we all have them. There are no perfect people out there.

You know, when you grasp somebody’s essence, you’re more likely to know how they’ll behave in the future and how they might or might not react to a certain situation. Knowing this drives me bonkers.

I come from a society where judging others is almost a norm. I come from an environment where fitting in is crucial to your survival. And this is my day to day struggle. I want to learn to accept flaws. I want to be able to not see these flaws. I want to be oblivious so I can enjoy life. Turning a blind eye, indeed, sometimes is the best answer.

If you are not perfect and your friends are not perfect, and your family is not perfect, and people you work with are not perfect, and your neighbors are not perfect, then you should just allow them to be.

When you see flaws, you want it or not, you judge. You compare to something that you are okay with. That something is the way you feel comfortable with life. Let’s be honest here – neither my vision of life or your vision of life is the best. It is just an emotional need to be comfortable with whatever is happening.

If I am uncomfortable around someone who overcompensates for their lack of courage by doing silly things, it is not them taking the risks and challenging their fears, it is my fear that they are going to get hurt and my subjective opinion that it is stupid.

As you can see, there is a problem.  I fear for them by judging their actions. Mother nature should have given a gift of being intuitive that gives you an ability to read people well and should have added a gift of being able to accept those differences.

As Mother Nature turned out to be a very stingy gift giver, she has left me in a constant state of struggle. To avoid pain and disappointment in people, I have chosen to distance myself from them. I constantly have to remind myself that it is alright for people to get hurt, it is alright for people to be abusive, it is alright for people to be clingy, it is alright for people to be needy, it is alright for people to be neurotic, it is alright for people to be victims, it is alright for people to not want to tell the truth, it is alright for people to blame others….and etc. It is alright for people not to want to change anything about them to be happy and waste their lives being miserable. It is alright….

When you do not see the struggle in others, it is easier to go on with life. It is much harder to see the flaws and know what people struggle with and be able to build friendships, to build work relationships, and to accept what you see and not be able to do anything about it.

Ignorance is pure bliss – I wish that was true for me. How can you stop seeing? How can you stop being able to see what people are feeling? Or even better, how can you see and still manage to let it go?

 

The Struggle Is Not Real…

1069284_10151741035955638_1948076237_nTo struggle means – making forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or constriction. It sounds like experiencing Struggle is not a laughing matter, so when I see memes or references to “..struggle is real..”, it kind of makes me sad.

Why?

Well, because there is another definition for “the struggle is real..”, and it is: “…”The Struggle” refers to the difficulty and danger that is faced, every day, by those of lower socio-economic class living in areas such as housing projects and ghettos….” (Urban dictionary).

When you look at this definition, it sounds like a mocking, like someone who is well off making jokes about violent struggles of those who did not inherit a fortune from their parents or were not lucky enough to come up with a great idea to start a business, or had an idea but was not able to secure funding.

Of course, not all memes are about less fortunate struggling to survive, but when you think about the official meaning, it sometimes makes it way too real and reminds you of horrors that you might have seen or experienced.

Yes, I laugh at pictures of a T-rex trying to make the bed or someone’s attempt to untangle the headphones, or being too short to reach for the top shelf where the peanut butter is, and I have to admit that the struggle is real when you look at things from that angle.

We make fun of things, so we do not have to cry about the reality. We make fun of ourselves, so we escape the sad truth. We make fun of the life we live, so we find something positive in the situation that hurts us the most.

We joke and we make people and ourselves laugh to escape the reality. And that makes me realize that the struggle is not real, it is artificially created by our society, by our political leaders, and sometimes by our own choices. It is extremely real for those who are caught in the middle of the grind…

Once you have the awareness of the artificially created meaning of life and the drive to belong, you have an extremely hard time fitting in. You still follow the rules of the game because you have no other choice – you still need to pay your bills, you still need to eat, you still need to take care of your family…so you immerse yourself and go on.

 

We Are So Dead…

dead endDo you really think you are living? Do you really think that your life is meaningful? Do you really….?

I can sit here and ask these questions for hours because I already know the answer. The answer is:”… no, I don’t..”

One moment it might feel like I am doing alright and heading the right direction but then, again, I have no idea where something leads because it never lasts. Nothing ever lasts. It is exactly the same as enjoying something you like – a candy, a cone of ice cream, an apple, a piece of steak, or…whatever makes you feel content, it’s just a second, maybe a minute, or maybe a week, but at the end, it all crashes and burns.

The funny part is, it never lasts. I have not met anybody who can say – yes, my life has always been steady without changes, without worries, without pain, without a loss, always the same. Have you?

That’s life. There is always something that brings a change into your status quo life. I am not talking about little things like a car breaking down or raining or a grocery store running out of the butter or not being able to watch that hockey game because your cable TV just dropped dead. I am talking about those things that change your life in a meaningful way.

Don’t you ever wonder if being part of the society is what kills us? We are expected to go on like an ant in a colony, just doing your part, so your neighborhood, your community, your district, your city, your province/state, your country survives and thrives but you just die off and get replaced by a younger model.

Do you care about what happened to a previous person in the job that you have now? Do you care about the family which lived in a house you are in? Do you care about someone who lived 100 years ago?

What do you care about? You only care about things and people that are important to you. You only care if it somehow impacts you. Guess what! So does the person next to you. They don’t care either about you or things that are important to you. They only care about things, people, and situations that they deem important.

So, no matter how you look at this situation you are in right now, you are dead now and you will be dead later. There is no moral to this. There is no lesson in this post.

There is nothing important unless this speaks to you. Life is exactly what it is supposed to be – an empty canvas that you get to paint. Even if you paint it bright, it might still be as dark as it gets.

There is no such a thing as happily ever after. There is only one – a struggle that you get to experience and choose how you handle it – with a smile and a sense of adventure or with an ” oh, poor me” attitude choosing to be a victim.

We are dead men/women walking with no purpose but definitely with a choice….

Goddamn Guilt…

who am i-Living with guilt is not something to take lightly. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you have achieved, or how much money you make – guilt is going to poison every breath you take. Guilt is a heavy weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not.

It doesn’t even matter what kind of guilt you feel, it just turns off your oxygen slowly and you find it harder and harder to breath.

Tom Hodgkinson once said: “Guilt is also a way for us to express to others that we are a person of good conscience.” When I think about it, it still doesn’t make me feel any better.

I guess, when you feel Guilt, it’s not just about what you have done, but it is also about what you have not done or can’t do or choose not to do.  It doesn’t even matter if other people would feel guilty about the lack of action that makes you feel guilty. You and you only know what turns your inner peace into a living nightmare.

I remember being told that I can’t save everyone and that sentence still echoes in my head.  Can you change who you are just because something is not possible? Can you stop feeling guilty just because whatever you wish you could do, is not possible?

Can you stop feeling guilty even when you know that no matter what you do, you can still not change the person or the situation or what has happened?

“….Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person believes or realizes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a universal moral standard and bears significant responsibility for that violation….”

Yeah, beat that….

 

When You Take A Leap Of Faith

sorry you diedSometimes I wonder why I take the road that I take. Sometimes I look into the darkness in front of me and wonder why in a world I trusted that everything happens for a reason and that I should take the dark path towards the darkness. I wonder why I trust that there is a light at the end of this scary looking road. Especially, when the alternative is a well lit, well known, extremely predictable path.

But then again, you could also ask, why would you not trust that, in the end, everything will be exactly how it needs to be?

I guess, no matter what you do, no matter what choices you make or what path you choose, it will take you somewhere new. Not necessarily better, but definitely new and different.

I always have to remind myself that even if I think I see where I am going, many times it has turned out to be a visual trap. I think I know and I think it is safe but, in reality, it is just your mind playing tricks on you.

How many times have you slipped on something in a well-lit area? How many times have you hit your head or cut yourself in the middle of the day when you supposedly see everything and are aware of surroundings? Would you say that a well-seen path is safer than a path taken in the dark? And I do not mean it literally. I mean it in a way of making life-changing decisions with or without a clear path.

I hate to admit it but I have to say that either way you are still not safe and still have almost same odds of getting hurt and/or going down the wrong rabbit hole. So, there is no way of knowing except when you make a choice to take the road that seems right. YES, even when it is a road embraced by the darkness that leads to who knows where.

I guess the truth is, we do not know where we are going anyways. We don’t know where tomorrow will lead us. We don’t know what is going to happen in 5 minutes. We do not know anything. We make choices that, no matter what, will take us on a journey of unknown events and experiences.

That is LIFE in its glory.

Nothing is given, nothing is promised, nothing is guaranteed, everything that seems right turns out wrong, and everything that seems wrong might be the right thing. I know, too philosophical…

So, here is the answer to the question I had – regardless which road you take, the final destination is not what you think it is.

 

I Need It To Die…

sims-2-randomness-01-2-728We all know how precious life is. We all know that tomorrow is never guaranteed. We all know that 5 minutes from now could be the last 5 minutes of our lives and we’ll never see it coming.

If we know all that, why don’t we live to the fullest? Why don’t we pursue our dreams? Why do we still succumb to irrational fear? Why do we still hold back? “Why..” seems the most common question that comes up without a definite answer. There is always some kind of excuse or random explanation…

A few times in my life I have stopped and demanded a straight answer. No excuses, no standard answers, no brushing off the question, no avoiding, no hiding, no pretending.

And I have slowly built an understanding of what and why. It is me. Nobody else. It is me from a different world. I do not mean like a parallel universe or some kind of mystical place. I mean me who was raised to be a certain way. Me who was raised to continue to be like my people. Me who was supposed to inherit same beliefs, same values, same judgments, same standards.

Me who was supposed to develop the same vision of the world and become one of them with same fears, same insecurities, and same inability to accept anything out of the ordinary.

I can’t say I was supposed to become like all of them because there were different people, there were people who lived and laughed, lived and loved, lived and never judged, lived and brought light to other peoples lives but I was not surrounded by them. I did not get to experience anything different than suffering, sadness, and a lifelong struggle, so I started to become one of them.

Yes, I know, I am laughing out loud right now because this sounds so dramatic, so dark, so sad, but it was true and it was so long ago.  I was getting influenced more and more by the people I was surrounded and experiences of jealousy, unhappiness, sadness, hopelessness, need to prove yourself, and etc.

I got out and decided to become a different person and learn a new way of living my life. I decided that I don’t have to prove to anybody that I am worthy of love, I don’t have to care about what other people think of me, I don’t need other people to be happy, and I do not have to worry about anything but my choices and path that I take, experiences that I have, love that I give and receive.

However, I still have not been able to fully get rid of that other me. That other me who sometimes sticks her head out of the shadows and reminds me that I might not be enough. Still reminds me that I am supposed to always be sad and wait for other people and things to make me happy.

This other me doesn’t exactly mess with my head too much but it is quite annoying to catch it in action trying to emerge out of the shadows and just jab. This is especially annoying when you are having an extremely good day, you feel happy, you smile, and then there is this quiet voice coming from the deep within you that kind of whispers, kind of gently reminds you that this is not going to last forever, that this is not real, that life is about suffering and not happiness….

I so need this other me to die. I am so tired of the voice in my head that kicks in when I just want to go with the flow of life and enjoy. This other me is not welcome and is not wanted. It was me but not anymore. I should have a choice to choose who I want to be. I should not need to fight it or constantly tell it to go away. It just needs to die….

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