Impossibly Possible

21945589The question of the day is – how come you don’t actually give a damn but then somehow still give a damn?

I wasted 30 minutes of my life today to think about this dilemma and concluded that there is a huge difference between not caring about something and then there is not giving a damn about it.

I don’t care is more in line with a lack of interest or strong feelings about the outcome, whereas, I don’t give a damn is about having strong feelings about the outcome but giving up or writing off any attempt to try to change that outcome at the same time.

If you give a damn about everything, then you create a perception that life should be an easy sail. You create a perception that you should always be happy and comfortable, and this is when you get slapped in the face and start thinking that life sucks.

Life is definitely not easy. Life is definitely not a piece of cake. Life is definitely not a well-drawn graph line that perpetually goes up or stays horizontal.

Life is a series of little miracles and, sometimes, impossible things become reality and, sometimes, possible things become not possible.

What is possible or impossible is just a product of our beliefs and not actually a product of something being true. It is not a product of our or somebody else’s capability. You can even say that what’s possible or impossible is a product of our beliefs about who we are.

I guess, regardless if we believe that something is impossible in our lives or even if we think we know something is impossible, what actually matters is that by being yourself you make sure that there is something wonderful in the world that was not there before.

There is no other you. So, guess what, you are impossible to replicate and that means you are a miracle.

If Life was easy, adventures would never be possible. Happiness is not a destination. Happiness is a journey. And what kind of journey would that be if there were no adventures along the way?

In other words, my life is an utter chaos and it will stay that way, and I better learn to love it. I am impossibly possible … I ‘M POSSIBLE


What happens when it hurts too much to live?

Biology NewOh, the joys of life. Shit doesn’t stop coming till the day you die.

Life must be a fan. Because when the shit hits the fan, it is obviously entertaining for somebody somewhere but not necessarily for you at that exact moment.

It would be highly appreciated if we could get a heads up like receiving a text or flashing banner: ”Incoming!” or “Duck!”, but, I guess, it is a bit too much to ask.

Living is difficult. It is definitely not an easy thing to do especially if your life has gone from typical difficulties you can recover from to a consistent streak of loss, stress, pain, exhaustion, bad luck, etc., without any breaks. And what if that streak lasts for years?

I guess when you have one of those streaks lasting for way too long, the future might start looking bleak, the belief that it will get better starts fading and is replaced with the feeling of being backed into a corner.

At that point, you do not expect a miracle. A little break would be sufficient; an opportunity to escape for a short period of time and not think about responsibilities or despair of things you can’t change.

So, what should you do when it hurts too much to live?

  • Remind yourself that everyone hurts sometimes. You are not alone. It doesn’t change anything but the fact that you are aware of other people being in similar situations, makes a difference.
  • Celebrate successes. Even in the worst situation, there are little successes that you can acknowledge and celebrate. Even the fact that you got out of bed and made coffee is a reason to be proud of yourself
  • Find something good. Yes, it takes imagination and effort to be able to see anything good in a painful situation but not impossible.
  • Be compassionate towards your own struggles. We are able to show compassion towards others but mostly lack the ability to show compassion towards ourselves. You are only a human and you are struggling. Be compassionate. Understand that sometimes there are forces beyond our reach and beyond our influence that determine what happens.
  • Accept the burn. Accepting the situation, accepting the emotional burn, allows you to use the light and the power it generates (anger, determination, and stubbornness) to guide you through whatever you are going through. Don’t let it burn you. Use it as a motivation, use it as a driving force to hang on a little longer till you find your way out
  • Remember, you always have a choice…There are always two ways out of any hopeless situation. They might not be pretty and might not be what you’d want, but you either fight or give up

I say, let it burn, go with the flow, and see where it takes you….

You suck, so do I… 

You know all those things you are bad at? Most likely you are not as bad as you think you are. Probability states that there is a ton of people who are even worse.

Why does it matter? It actually doesn’t. It doesn’t matter if you are great at it, really bad at it, the best at it, or the worst. What matters is that you need to stop comparing yourself to something as fluid as perception of what is good or bad.

It blows my mind every time I think about how society works. It is an amazing engine that exists and functions only because there is a system of jobs and political / economical/ psychological /demographic strategies to support it. It can’t exist without well-orchestrated job systems, which need well-trained people to ensure society’s continuous existence.

There is a place for everyone in this rat race. Without different jobs, there would be an utter chaos.

However, with an extremely well thought out strategy comes a heavy price to pay – a human struggle.

You need to pick what you want to do to be a valuable member of the society. You have to contribute by working and making sure some part of the big well-oiled engine works, be it a garbage removal person, a bus driver, a teacher, a doctor, a farmer, an owner of the business, a writer, a movie producer, and etc.

If you choose not to contribute, you are seen as a nuisance, you become an outcast.

And, this is where the slippery slope begins. What does becoming a nuisance mean? What does it mean to contribute to be useful and accepted? Am I good enough? Do I matter? Who am I? Why can’t I be like everyone else?

We beat ourselves up a lot. We find things to compare and criticize. We have no idea what exactly but we know it is not good enough. No matter how much we achieve, no matter how successful we become, no matter what kind of career we choose, the feeling inside that we are fake and not good enough always somehow stays.

“But how about those who think they are the best? How about those a*holes who think they own the world?”, you would ask?

Well, my friend, have you heard of the term “coping mechanism”?

You have 3 kind of people in this world.

  1. Those who become victims of the existing system and can’t emotionally deal with it.
  2. Those, who choose to fight and ignore the inadequacy by becoming either a*holes or free spirits, and
  3. Those who learn to coast by not getting stuck in either of the extremes but still going through ups and downs

All three groups have developed coping mechanisms that they use to deal with this overwhelming feeling of not good enough. Some succumb to I am never good enough. Some take a stand and say, “… hold my lollipop and watch this..”, and either become a*holes to prove that they are somebody and nobody will tell them otherwise or some just choose to exist in their own world and not bother about playing by the rules, fitting in, or being part of the system.

And, then you have the majority who somehow manage to go through ups and downs by experiencing what other two groups experience but always change based on what better suites them at that particular moment in life. They manage to deal with their emotions and still hope that somehow they will find the right answer to whatever questions they have.

They get up, get dressed, eat, go to work, go to school, do chores, go to bed…wake up, get dressed, eat, go to….etc. Somehow between all this they manage to cry, get depressed, get hurt, hurt somebody else, get pills, drink, use drugs, talk to somebody,  pull themselves together, quit their job, get divorced, and then…go to bed, get up, get dressed….

Being fake, not fitting in, not knowing, feeling worthless, being taught and encouraged to be better and to do better, being pressured to become somebody…that’s the price tag to have a society that sort of takes care of you and your needs…



We Are So Dead

dead endSometimes it seems like whatever you do, nothing makes sense. Any choice you make turns out to be a waste. Every freak out you have seems to be unnecessary. Every conversation you have had in your head that has communicated how you felt about somebody or something has always turned out to be not what you expected or wanted.

Sometimes I wonder if my life is really true and random. Even taking into consideration all the odds of things turning out to be 50 / 50, your way or something else, somehow everything you want or think would happen, almost always turns out to be the other way. At that point, you have to start questioning the reality and randomness of things.

If the odds were actually 50/50, at least once, whatever direction the conversation went in your head, it would have actually gone the way you wanted. But, the reality is, most of the time, it ends up being something else.

Honestly, how many times did you have a De Ja Vu and said: “no way, it actually turned out exactly how I imagined it would”?

I am not making any statements, I am just merely making an observation.

Most of the people follow rules, adopt beliefs, follow unwritten suggestions of what is right or wrong. Some question things. Some just do whatever. However, most of the people don’t even live. They are so consumed by what other people would think that all decisions they make are always based on what would others do and less on what would make them happy.

I guess, the biggest problem the society has today is the inability to determine what makes them happy. People are more concerned about the judgment of others and less about following their dreams and choosing the path that brings joy into their hearts.

Knowing that you have an undetermined amount of years or months or days or even hours to live, people still choose other people’s opinion over their own happiness. You just want to fit in and not be judged, you want to be accepted for who you are, don’t you?

It is almost like being dead. If you can’t follow your heart, if you can’t enjoy what you do, if you can’t be yourself, if you can’t love the person you fall in love with, if you can’t follow your dreams, you might as well be dead already.

The world is like an ant hill. Every single ant has its job already pre-determined. It was trained to do just that – to benefit the colony. Same goes for human beings. For the society, community, province or state or district or country to do well, there is a need for certain positions that need to be filled.

You always need people who do crapy jobs – cleaning, garbage removal, farm work, you need people to do middle-class jobs – clerk jobs, consultants, bankers, tellers, cashiers, teachers, rig workers, farmers, analysts, and etc, and then we have business owners, and then you just can’t live without the rich people who own the top of the wealth in the world, CEO’s, big pharma’s, oil & gas, manufacturers, mafia, and etc.

The bottom line is – you need all that for the society to be able to function.  The Truth is, the society needs you to function but you do not need the society or its rules to be happy.  If you play the game, you might be dead inside even before you actually die.


Tiptoeing Around

boy-tiptoeingAnd here we go round and round our not so little EGO.

EGO is like that annoying splinter that is not bothering you all the time but when it does, it really puts an effort into it. No matter how hard you try,  you can’t get it out. You have to wait till your body gets irritated enough, inflamed, full of puss, and then expels it. Who knows when you will get irritated enough to get your EGO under control. You can’t exactly expel it like a splinter but you can work with it and somehow get it under control.

No matter how hard you try,  you can’t get it out. You have to wait till your body gets irritated enough, inflamed, full of puss, and then expels it. Who knows when you will get irritated enough to get your EGO under control. You can’t exactly expel it like a splinter but you can work with it and somehow control the direction it takes you.

Don’t you get frustrated with constant nagging and comparison to others? Don’t you get irritated by your own – I am good enough but not as good as I should be? Don’t you get irritated by – why don’t you be like so and so?

It’s like a broken record, it keeps going and going, and always comes back to the same spot where it started. You somehow manage to run around in circles trying to avoid dealing with whatever you need to but always end up coming back to where you started.

Somehow, it seems that human beings have 2 things in common – either avoiding the emotional pain or choosing the emotional pain as their purpose of existence. It’s either – “I do not want to deal with this” or “poor me”. It’s extremely rare: “Yeah, bring it on!”

How many people do you know who fit in the”Yeah, bring it on!” category? Do you think you are one of them?

How often do you take a deep breath and actually deal with it? How often do you just go with the flow of life and do not wish for it to be anything else but what it is?

It is so easy to celebrate success. It is so easy to be happy with whatever is happening that you like and feel pleased with. Unfortunately, life is not a walk in the park. Good times never last. It is way much harder to face the reality, deal with difficult people and difficult situations than to try to avoid everything else.

We usually choose the easiest path.  Sometimes we tip toe around whatever it is because it is easier and it is less stressful. We tiptoe around our own anxieties just to stay safe. We tiptoe around our fears, we tiptoe around any decision that will trigger sadness.

“I want to keep my sanity” – we tell ourselves. But is it actually true? Can you tiptoe around something without dealing with it and keep your sanity?

Life deals all kinds of funny cards and you have to play the game either you want it or not.  We never have an intention to break ourselves but, I guess, the more we tiptoe around ourselves the less we are able to keep our sanity. Your sanity depends on the state of your mind.

And what kind of state of mind can you have if all you do is tiptoe around everything that makes you uncomfortable?

Can you tiptoe around and still find a peace of mind?

Can you tell me what will happen when you stop tiptoeing?  What is the worst thing that can happen? Is your EGO going to get hurt, beaten down, vanished?




20170704_202244~2For some people, this is just a picture of two house cats on a railing, but for me this is a moment of teary eyes. The little black and white autistic cat with so many psychological and physical challenges, whom we adopted because nobody would be able to take care of as well as we could, sleeping with our Maine Coon Russian Blue mix on the same railing.

A cat who hisses at the thin air; a cat who rips her fur off her head just because there are unknown stressors in her life; a cat who doesn’t except change; a cat who is allergic to everything with wings; a cat who has affection just for humans and only at night; a cat who doesn’t like to be picked up or touched unless it is her idea; a cat who doesn’t play well with other cats, chose to sleep on the railing with her adopted brother.

This is a moment when I started to believe in miracles. Little simple things in life make a huge impact, not just for me but for her, our little autistic Beans.

I look at this picture and can’t help to smile. Life works in mysterious ways. Things that seem impossible become possible. Things that seem helpless turn to be the best thing that could have happened to you.

Trust that everything happens for a reason. It’s almost never what you want or dream of, it is always what you actually need.

Trust – is one of the hardest things we can do. Trust is hard to earn but so easy to lose.

However, when it comes to life, you do not have the luxury of choice – you just have to trust.


Hang In There…

hang in thereDo you believe your life is about surviving? Do you think we survive at work, we survive at home, we survive in the relationship, and etc.? Do you think every single moment of your life is just hanging in there?

It is not so much in North America as much in the post-soviet union countries but it seems like every single moment of your life is perceived as a survival.

The other day I noticed that majority of my correspondence with friends and family back home ends with them telling me: hang in there. I don’t think they realize what they are saying or what words they are using. It’s just the way they have talked day in day out through generations.

Obviously, life is not easy. Our society works as a well-oiled machine only when everyone does their job to contribute and some people get the shitty part of the stick. However, if you perceive that everything you do is just hanging in, then the questions is – when do you live? When does the time come when you enjoy your life, when do you enjoy being, and when do you enjoy the journey you are on?

I have talked about this many times. Shit happens, life is a rollercoaster, but the suffering is an option. Life is not what you get, life is what you make out of it. I would hate to think that majority of people just exist to survive and can’t find anything positive in existence itself.

When I think of a generation of people from the post-soviet union era and compare it to people in some African countries, the post-soviet union seems like a paradise but, for some odd reason, people in Africa seem to be able to enjoy their lives much more. Why would that be so?

I don’t need to hang in there. I have a good life. A very good life. There is nothing that stands in my way of being happy except me. I have all my basic needs taken care of and all that is left is my attitude.

I guess, some people just don’t know what happiness is. They don’t realize that they are indeed masters of their own lives. The only reason they are not happy is because they choose to see the negative and ignore the positive. They don’t know what it means to be happy. They choose to complain about things they don’t have and refuse to acknowledge the truth – Happiness is a choice. It is not a thing that you need to find or buy.

“Hang in there” – is the last thing I want to hear. There is nothing to hang in for. I choose where my life goes. I choose to be happy. I choose to believe that my life is a journey and it goes up and down and I get to decide what path to take. I am not a victim of circumstances. I make my choices, I make decisions in my life. Sometimes the path I take is not smooth but it is just that – an adventure with a few unpleasant turns.

When the time comes and the game is over – then I will have something to complain about. Till then, I choose to love whatever comes my way – be it good or complicated, pleasant or unpleasant, things that upset me, hurt me, annoy me, make me smile, make me happy, make me angry, or make me feel nothing.

I live…and choose what I make out of my life. I do not hang in there…maybe just for a bit to scare the shit out of myself.




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