My Bucket List

Everyone should have a bucket list, right? So, here is mine







Courage To Fail

courageDay in day out there are thoughts in your head that speak their own truth.  Sometimes they actually agree with your view of life but most often they just stir shit up and keep popping in and out of  your awareness.

“..You got to have a dream. If you don’t, you need to get one as you are nothing without dreams…You must want something. You need to have a goal to reach as without goals you are wasting your life”

Have you noticed that you cannot not have a dream, a wish,  a want?  It is a must or you are just a pathetic and a very sad person in the eyes of people around you. And have you noticed that none of them can answer the question – WHY?

Do you know that whatever people do or try to achieve is because it makes them feel that they are not wasting their lives?

And do you know why they feel that way? Because that is what others around them believe in. The illusion of purpose of life, dreams, achievements, fame, family, career, and etc., drives them to go, do and chase unreachable.

Everybody is running somewhere trying to reach something, trying to find something. I do not mean physical activities. Even sitting and meditating is for some greater good – for universal consciousness, for world peace, for enlightenment, for the TRUTH, for the harmony.

However, if you do want to find answers, you should not be afraid to fail everybody and everything. You need the courage to turn your back on everything you know and let yourself figure things out.

Only those who stop believing that everything they know is true and everything around them is real, and have the courage to say, enough is enough, are able to make a few steps forward in direction where they are supposed go to find themselves.

Only when you lose everything, you gain everything.

There is nothing wrong with having a dream or enjoying something you do as long as that is a natural occurrence not coming from the influence of others. There is nothing wrong with the enjoyment of something as long as it is not the choice you made based on a limited selection provided to you as only options. What am I talking about?

Where do you get options to choose from? TV, parents, magazines, and leading questions: what do you want to become when you grow up? Suggestions from others: you are so good at this, you should become a lawyer, a doctor, a teacher, and etc.

What I mean is – when you choose something you really love, you know it. You have made the choice not because you had to and not because it was expected of you but because that was something you always wanted to be.  You you made a choice not based on how much it would pay or what status it would give you, or what others would think about it, or because everybody has to have a job and this is what you think you like,  but you made that choice because it takes over your whole being. You enjoy every second of it.

I just want to say – do not be afraid to fail and this time I do not mean failing and giving up to reach a dream or be successful in whatever you do. We know “that FAILURE” quite well. I mean do not be afraid to fail to be whatever everyone else expects of you.

No Shit Realization…

More or less, everybody pays attention to the news and everybody has an opinion about almost everything. I watched Ellen Page’s coming out speech and thought to myself: “tell me something I didn’t know”. It was so obvious since the first time I saw her. But this is not about me and it is not about Ellen, it is about LIFE and society.

I will not go into the speech details as it was beautiful from the beginning to the end and you can go find it if you wish to hear what she had to say.

I have talked about “coming out” before and I have asked when my readers are planning on coming out of the closet either about being gay or being religious, or being raped, or being abused, or suffering from a mental disease.

What makes me really sad is that our society instead or waking up and realizing that this life is about enjoyment, living, happiness, being different, being unique, is getting deeper and deeper in a self-created illusion of being perfect, fitting in, and being like everybody else.

“My spirit suffered, my mental health suffered, and my relationships suffered…” says Ellen.  These could be words of any person who feels marginalized, who feels bullied in school, at work, in church, by husband/wife, by family, by coworkers, by their own country…

“Being normal”, whatever that means, is the poison that has poisoned our society. It is not getting better, it is getting worse. I am not talking about the acceptance, I am talking about everything – weight, looks, beauty standards, career, and choices. That is like a disease that is taking over the world, slowly occupying everybody’s thoughts.

I do not need to make a statement as I am just living my life. I do not need to go against the flow as my flow will end at some point sooner or later. It is not about fighting the norm as the norm is defined  by a small community. It is about the freedom to live your life being free, being free of predefined roles, predefined ways of being and/or existing, predefined identities and predefined choices.

Don’t get me wrong, it is great for Ellen to find strength to be herself. However, it is so sad for our society that you have to go through such a tough  journey just to be yourself. Do you really have to scream from the top of your lungs to be accepted?

Actually, honestly, what really makes me mad is that somebody judges me based on whom I love and not based on who I am as a person. They care more about what I or any other gay person does in the bedroom than who we are as human beings.

How about paying more attention to catholic priests who sexually abuse children? How about paying more attention to domestic violence? How about paying more attention to homeless people? How about paying more attention to starving kids in 3rd world countries? How about paying more attention to finding a cure for diseases? How about paying attention to getting some countries out of the poverty? How about paying more attention to Monsanto and genetically modified foods that are responsible for so many illnesses? How about paying more attention to global warming?

Why would me loving a woman be more important than a sexually abused child? Believe me, me being gay doesn’t hurt anybody…But a priest sexually abusing children or a man beating his wife leaves a bigger devastation…

Breaking The Silence

Courtesy of Google images

Courtesy of Google images

The truth is painful. However, the truth is the only cure.

I don’t write my blog to get attention or to change the world. I write when something is eating at me or I have stumbled upon something that has made me think. This is my spiritual autolysis.  This is my way to truth…whatever that truth is. I also know that those who need to read what I have to say will always find my blog.

Blogging is not just about words, thoughts, and exchange of opinions. It is about the world that we live in. It is about the reality we choose for ourselves.

Today my thoughts were lingering around silence. It wasn’t about talking vs being quiet. It was about our way of finding the path we want to take. There is so much going on in your head right now – pain, happiness, worrying, enjoyment, fear, but never a quiet moment. Our heads are filled with thoughts and emotions. Some of them are silenced and ignored, some of them are more than welcome, and some of them are undefined (something that is there but not understood or seems relevant). Sorting through these emotions and thoughts and finding the answer that you are seeking for can be a challenge.

Silence – for every person it means something different. What was the first thought that popped into your head when you read the word “silence”?

The other day I was reading a blog about somebody who suffered from an eating disorder and how that person felt ashamed of who she was, and how she tried to hide the truth. I was thinking. It hit close to home. Oh, boy I could relate what she was going through.

For some, silence means a moment of non-suffering. For others, silence means being alone with your thoughts. For somebody else,  it is a physical safety net like nothing bad is coming.

For me, silence means – not moving. If I do not speak the truth, it means I am not truthful about where I am. If I keep silent and not acknowledge what I am going through or feeling, it means I am about to lie to myself.

Talking means – making something real. Once you let something out, there is no way back. You have to face it. You have to face it for yourself.  Once you speak up – it makes it true and real and that means, you are ready to change.

It is applicable to everything:

- not being happy
- acknowledging the rape
- acknowledging and facing a mental disorder
- acknowledging your fear
- facing something you have been avoiding
- looking yourself in the eye and telling the truth
- finally understanding and feeling that you have a choice
- realizing that you own your truth
- realizing that your happiness is not defined by people surrounding you
- realizing that there is more to life than you thought

Once you break the silence, you find yourself on a path of freeing yourself. You suddenly realize that breaking the silence is not about letting other people know what happened or what is happening, but it is the only cure to whatever you are suffering from. It is a liberating feeling when you say it out laud.

I dear you to break the silence…

Serendipity All the Way (Awakening Challenge)

Being Awake

I took on a challenge to write about My Awakening and Moving on. Barbara is inspiring and I really like the way she shares her experiences and encourages other people to look deeper into themselves.

So, here is my entry for January 9th.

Awakening to who you truly are…is a lifelong process for some, a quick rock bottom for others, and will never happen for the rest of people.

Awakening is not a logical state one advances to. It is not something magical or something everybody should have or even want. Furthermore, it is not something that only a few chosen reach. Awakening is when you see things in their true light. Awakening is when you understand the difference between perception and reality.

Like the rest of the world throughout my life I had moments when I was utterly confused and lost. I did not know who I was, what I was doing here, and what my purpose was. So many times I felt like I was in a theater watching everybody else on the stage playing. They were so close but so far at the same time. Once in a while I felt like I had found my place but it lasted just for a few moments and I was back in the dark hole again.

I started looking around for answers. I wanted to know why nothing feels real, why people feel fake, why I feel fake, and why the truth is lingering in the air, but is so unreachable and always slips away.

I started my journey by reading books. Robert Scheinfeld’s “Busting loose from a money game” and Jed McKenna’s The enlightenment trilogy.  Then I also explored Scheinfeld’s online program, “Path To True Joy”.

I chose to go down the rabbit hole. Two things turned my life upside down.

” how do you know that you are not dreaming right now?”

” you are going to die!”

As more I thought about them as deeper I reached within myself. Once you ponder long enough, life changes drastically. Let me ask you; if you found out that you will die tomorrow, what will truly matter today? What are things that will be important to you?

Exactly! I can see your marbles moving. Try to think about this for a while. Do not sweep your fear away, do not run, do not get back into your comfort zone and pretend like this doesn’t apply to you. YOU WILL DIE. The question is when – in 5 minutes, tomorrow, in 20 years?

We live in a world that is built on fear, false beliefs and rules that are not ours. We create layers and layers of lies, convictions, personalities, and roles. We get told and taught what is true, how we are supposed to live, what to desire, and how to think.

The truth is that THE Truth is out there. It’s all around us – in every moment of our lives, in sayings, in books, in poetry, and in quotes. One day you might have an AHA moment and you will never look back. You will not be able to. Once you see the truth, you can’t go back to the ignorance.

” Life is a dream, realize it.”
“Don’t believe what your eyes are showing you. All they show is limitation.”
“I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy. “
“The process of enlightenment is not about becoming who you really are but about unbecoming who you never were.”

I know, you think you understand what these quotes are telling you, but let me tell you that most likely you don’t. If you did, you would not struggle, you would just be…

I’ve had glimpses of the truth. I have seen it, I have felt it, I have experienced it, and the more I allow myself to go with the flow, the happier I am. Once you see that people around you function and live based on fear (death, being different, disappointment, not fitting in, not living up to expectations, wrong choices), you start feeling the truth, you start embracing it, and living it.

What am I talking about? What kind of truth?

When you were born, you were an empty book. You had no understanding of what was right or wrong. You did not know what was good or bad. You did not have a set of words to describe things and you did not have experiences you associated with words and their meaning.

Now your book is almost full of references, words, and beliefs. You are a walking breathing Wikipedia of your people (parents, neighbors, teachers, friends,  community). You live according to rules and beliefs that they taught you. This is a fact and it is the Truth. Your whole life is based on belief system of lies.

If I ask you to tell me what “bad” means, you will reach inside your memories and a collection of words and feelings to give a good description. Where did you get all that? Where did your beliefs, convictions, and morals come from? They are not yours. Remember, you were born without them.

Once you stop judging everything and once you stop comparing everything to a “good – bad” scale, you start living.  If things just are, not good or bad, you experience them in a whole new way. You realize that you are not bound by them anymore. There are no such things as” I have to”, “this is the right thing”, “that’s what people do”, and etc.

Once you start realizing the falseness of who you have become, you start unlearning who you have never been.

There is only one thing you need to remember – everything in your life, including people, are the projection of your inner self and your beliefs. For something to be true, it has to be true for everyone.

Most of what we interact with is not the world itself. Those are our beliefs about it, our expectations of it, and our interpretation. We filter everything through our personal belief prism. We can’t just stand aside and allow things unfold as we have a very difficult time observing events without confusing them with the thoughts we have about them, and so the majority of what we experience is imaginary things.

It was a long way to this point and I still have a long way to go to be fully integrated and not divided with the Universe, Mother nature, and my own world.

However, I am still a spectator in the theater but this time I do not feel that there is something wrong because I know – it is my play. I choose to play whatever the game is. I am not a slave to my beliefs. I enjoy everything that comes my way as I trust in myself and the Universe that whatever needs to happen, whatever I authentically desire, it will be just given to me in a way that is the best – be it a heart ripping loss of somebody close or a lottery winning.

Happiness is not a goal or a destination, happiness is a journey. Beliefs are limiting. Fear is paralyzing. Wants are based on false beliefs. You need to unlearn everything you know and everything you have considered true, and find The Truth.

The next Post, January 10th is Korinn’s awakening experience… -

January Challenge Schedule…

1st     Barbara  -
2nd    Paddy    -
3rd     Emanuel-
6th     Julianne -
7th     Sarah     -
8th     Shree     -
9th     Dace      -
10th   Korinn    -
11th   Sindy     -
12th   Stefanie -
13th   Mick      -
14th   Joss      -
15th   Megan   -
16th   Pat         -
17th   Marga    -
18th   Kimberley -
19th   Becki        -
20th   Serena      -
21st   Heather     -
22nd  PurpleRay -
23rd    Sue          -
24th    M…          -
25th    Brian G    -
26th    Dotta       -
27th    CW          -
28th    Laurie       -
29th    Debra       -
30th    Linda        -
31th    Michael     -

What is Wrong With Me?

what is wrong with meI bet this question has crossed your mind not just once. You know the feeling I am talking about. That feeling that you feel like you almost never fit in. You feel and think differently. You look at your friends, your family, your co-workers and you just can’t be like everyone else. No matter how hard you try, nothing changes.

My friend keeps asking this question and keeps trying to find an answer to a simple problem. He thinks that happiness is something that can be achieved by being like everybody, like normal people. And if no matter what he does, wherever he goes, he still doesn’t fit it, it has to mean that there is something wrong with him.  Otherwise he would be happy. He would keep his well paid job, he would live in his house and try to find a mate, and maybe even start a family. Isn’t that what happiness means? Isn’t that what everybody wants and thrives for?

The truth is simple: there is nothing wrong with the world and there is everything wrong with the world.

I will tell you what’s wrong with you. You are trying to live according to somebody else’s rules and following dreams that are not yours.

You feel lost, you feel out-of-place, you feel so alone. And you feel that way because your heart has come face to face with beliefs that got shoved down your throat since childhood.  When the truth inside you collides and contradicts your beliefs, your brain goes into a panic mode.  It hurts physically and emotionally. It created chaos…

Forget what you have been taught and find your way. No matter what you say, your heart already knows the answer. No matter how hard you try to argue, ignore, and prove something, you already know the truth. All you need to do is to accept it…

The Time is Now

Today is the day

Today is the day

Yes, today is the day. Not tomorrow or some other day, but “today”.  Somebody told me that one day they will make their dreams come true. I wished them good luck with that and thought to myself – “nope, you will not make your dreams come true”.

Not because the dream is silly and not because it can’t be done, but because that someday will never come. If your dream is not important today, it will never be important, and you will just keep postponing. There is always something else that gets in a way – family, job, bills, time, fear, beliefs…

We hide so well behind rationalization and we have an explanation for everything. We expect miracles. We are waiting for that perfect moment that never comes.

This also reminded me of Christmas and New Year’s resolutions. We promise ourselves to change, we make lists of things that we will do different and things that we will achieve but in reality it is bullshit. Christmas is not better than today. There is no difference between today, be it Wednesday or Friday, and Christmas. It is just a day. One day in our lives. One day that passes by and gets us closer to the day we die.  You know that at the end there is death, right? Nothing more and nothing less.

So why would you say that one day I will make my dreams come true and not do it today? Why would you waste your precious time not making yourself happy, not doing something that you will enjoy, not achieving goals that you know will make a difference, maybe not in somebody else’s life but definitely yours?

I am writing this because my mother made me really sad today. She made me realize that no matter how I try to explain to her that being happy is her choice, she will never be happy unless she changes her thinking and her attitude towards life. I have to give up on her no matter how much I love her. Yes, I do.

Do you know why?

Because I can’t live her life. I can’t make choices for her, I can’t tell her how to live and how to think. It is her journey and she has to find her own way. I can’t fight her battles. She has to…

My mother needs to find a way to come to a realization that her happiness is her own choice. She needs to realize that her dreams of being happy are dreams that will never come true unless she chooses to be happy right here right now. Not because somebody else makes her happy but because she makes a choice to be happy.

Whatever your dreams is – you need to go for it today. Not tomorrow, not the day after tomorrow, not the day the earth stops spinning. You choose what to do with your life. Happiness and emotional fulfillment depends on your choices and not random life events and people. Your dreams become real when you choose them over your fears and beliefs.

That’s why the time is now. There are no detours… It is today and not tomorrow!


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