Have you ever wondered what that means – living on the edge? I have. We all live our lives the way we see it fit. We see all kinds of things, wonderful and awful, that other people do but, in a mean time, our reality is shaped by our beliefs on what is acceptable and what is not.
For some people, living on the edge means flying. For some – trying oriental food. For others – trying on clothes that they don’t feel comfortable wearing. For somebody else – giving a public speech.
And for some – admitting to others that they have no clue what they are doing.
It is a funny thing when you think about it – most of the people want to know what other people think or do because they do not know if whatever they (themselves) do is the right thing.
Our lives are based on our past experiences and feelings that can be explained by words using a language that we speak. When we experience something that can’t be expressed in words, we freak out. This freak out leads to an internal and/or an external search for a meaning or an explanation. There has to be someone or something that can explain whatever you feel.
What happens when there is no answer?
Living on the edge for me is just living. Yes, as simple as that. I wake up every morning not knowing or wanting to know what is going to happen because wanting to know means control. I can’t control what happens in my life. I can’t control LIFE. If I try to control, it almost always fails. When it fails, I am faced with existential questions. Questions that I can’t answer.
If you plan your day, it almost never plays out the way you want.
You think for hours about questions you will ask during your job interview. You play out all kinds of scenarios in your head about that serious conversation you will have with that one person. However, when you are having that conversation, it never goes the way you want or thought it would go.
Controlling always means safety. When you can control whatever happens, you feel safe. If you can’t control, your life becomes hectic and unpredictable.
Does living on the edge mean not having control or does that mean that you are actually living?
Apparently, magic is a side effect of depression. I can’t exactly cite the source as it is in a foreign language and, honestly, probably not very credible. However, I can see where they are coming from. When you are depressed, when you are down, you believe that the only solution to your problems is a miracle.
I am playing with these words in my head – problems, miracles, magic…and I can’t help it but to come to the same conclusion no matter how I look at it.
You become depressed when your inside world is not or can’t fit in the outside world. You become depressed when no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem fit in. I am not saying that depression is not a serious condition, I am saying that side effects of depression are created by society.
No people, no problems, right? Do you really think that we would feel fat or ugly or worthless if not for our society?
When you remove people, when you remove society and all the perceptions that community defines for you, everything is a miracle. Sun, wind, trees, nature….You breathing is a miracle. Your existence is a miracle.
Love is magical. Ocean is magical. Waves are magical.
Miracles are longed for when you stop seeing that everything is a miracle. Magic is longed for when you stop seeing that you are a miracle who leaves magic everywhere you go.
It blows my mind to know that society requests that you give away a huge chunk of your income in taxes and other kinds of deductions as dues for managing one’s nations relations. These relations include medical, roads, political, social, arts and etc. The whole point behind giving this money away is a promise that you will be taken care of. Is that actually happening?
You have to pay taxes and your dues but society can choose not to take care of you based on who knows what. You are not allowed to stop giving money but you are also not getting what you were promised either. How is this system better than gangs?
I was reading an article, more like a plea, about a 31 year old woman with cystic fibrosis. Doctors have come to a conclusion that the only way to save this woman’s life is to do a lung transplant. However, she has to pay for her own surgery. Government’s medical plan doesn’t cover this.
We are not talking about teeth whitening or braces or botox injections. We are talking about a life saving surgery. You work hard and you pay taxes. You pay these taxes so you are protected by the law, so you can get help when it is needed the most, so the government / community provides you the care you require when times are tough.
But, I guess, that is not how it works. You are required to pay taxes but they are not required to provide or they can choose what to provide or not. If you choose not to pay taxes, you will go to jail. But if the government decides to increase their wages and not fulfill the promise, they are not kept accountable. This is the most ridiculous thing about society today.
This is a one way street and it is definitely not going direction you need. You have to pray to all good spirits that nothing ever goes wrong.
When I was reading, all I could think is the conversation that is going on between the lines:
Woman: Please, I need help
Government: Sorry, can’t help you
Woman: I have been paying taxes, I have been working hard to contribute to this system
Government: Your surgery will cost us more than you will ever pay in taxes. And the money you have given us is not to take care of you but to use as we see it fit. And your surgery doesn’t fit with our vision.
In other words, you are replaceable. You are important only while you work and while you are healthy. Once you can’t pay and you are a drain on the system, you become disposable. So, no, you will not live because it is more convenient. You will live if somebody else steps up and gives you a helping hand. And then, when you recover, you shall pay into the system again.
Surprisingly, so many people still believe in the system and are blind to the truth of their own existence.
You know that one thing that everybody seems to know about but you? You know that one thing that you are supposed to do? That one thing that you are not supposed to do? That one thing that you are supposed to be calm about?
Maybe that one thing that you are trying not to think about but it keeps popping in and out and keeps reminding you of its existence? That one darn thing that doesn’t allow you to fall asleep peacefully?
What about it? Nothing…absolutely nothing.
I wanted to talk about a different thing. Everybody wants to be in peace. Everybody wants to be happy. Everybody wants to hush those voices in their heads. But the truth is – very few are willing to do the work that is required.
You know how they say – ignorance is bliss? No, not the ignorance but thoughtful choice to not know what people are convinced everybody needs to know and worry about.
Everybody wants to be next Dalai Lama – smart, peaceful, deep and inspirational. Everybody wants to be as happy and as worry fee as monks of Tibet. What is the difference between a monk and you?
A monk has no clue that he has to worry about earning money, about a car payment, about politics or about what others think of him. He has chosen to unlearn everything he knew and learn just to be in a moment.
Are you ready to unlearn your truth? I do not think so. You will always find an excuse why you can’t and when you finally run out of excuses, it will be too late.
Have you noticed that often things just keep going wrong and you just want to know why? And sometimes that is not just one thing. It is usually a streak of multiple things just happening again and again and you just want to know when your bad luck is going to turn into something good?
No matter how hard you look or try to understand, it seems, that there is no good explanation?
I have talked about this before but I wanted to bring it up again. It is not a bad luck. It is a sign that you are sending to yourself. You make choices that lead you and put you where you are today, right here, right now, and in those situations. You can’t say that somebody else made you do something, somebody else made that choice for you.
Every situation is created by you for you. Take a look at what happened and if you had to take a few steps back and look at it, what do you see? If it wasn’t you but somebody else? If you were watching a movie, what choices and feelings would lead somebody into a situation like that?
You are just not listening to your heart and your inner voice that is telling you about the choice(s) that you have to make, and your brain is procrastinating, avoiding, and ignoring.
Maybe it is time to slow down and take a break?
May be it is time to evaluate where you are, what you want, and what direction you should be heading?
Maybe it is time to let go and move on?
And maybe it is time to take a deep breath and jump?
Often we brush off the feeling and just do what’s right or what we should be doing. And then things start going wrong. We get stubborn and continue on the path of ignorance . We fill our days with positive thoughts, we do things, we avoid thinking and feeling, and just keep going.
And no, no matter how somebody tries to convince me that these things are unrelated, I do not agree as I have been there, done that, and every time I look back, I see a clear picture.
So, the right answer in a form of an event is offered to you at the right time. You just need to learn to read between the lines you wrote.
Do you have that person in your life that calls your bullshit no matter how hard you try to hide it? You know, you spend hours talking and telling this great story how things are great or awesome in your life and at the end he or she summarizes it all in one sentence – bullshit.
No matter how hard you try to deceive yourself with sweet lies and convince yourself one way or another way somehow they see thru all that. It seems like you are looking in the mirror, trying to tell yourself how beautiful you are, how nice your hair is, how stylish you are but at the end you actually only see the real you – someone who did not shower this morning, who has messed up hair and smeared makeup.
I am just wondering how many people would actually pick the bitter truth over sweet lies? How many people would choose a friend who sees past your bullshit, calls it and doesn’t think twice about it? And how many people would actually choose someone who doesn’t give a damn and ignores your inner struggles?
I stumbled upon an interesting article for those who are looking for a new job. It was talking about the change in thinking and how job interviews are changing from bullying to appreciating.
I giggled when an author compared old style to being interviewed by zombies who ask you a set of questions to get certain answers and if you do not give them a straight answer on how much you make or what is your greatest weakness, they don’t know what to do with that.
But this is not about job interviews or looking for a job, this is about something that the author said:
Only the people who get you deserve you.
Exactly! Why would you go for a company where you can’t be yourself. Why would you even considered getting a job with a company that is not flexible, doesn’t change, and doesn’t appreciate creative or unique people?
People forget that it is not you who is in great need of them to give you a job, it is a two-way street. You are also interviewing them. You spend 2/3 of your day at work. It is your second home. Those people are almost like family. If you have to work to pay your bills, at least spend the day having fun and building great relationships with people who get you.
And again, you get what you think you deserve – love, job, friends, and life itself.