Do you really think you are living? Do you really think that your life is meaningful? Do you really….?
I can sit here and ask these questions for hours because I already know the answer. The answer is:”… no, I don’t..”
One moment it might feel like I am doing alright and heading the right direction but then, again, I have no idea where something leads because it never lasts. Nothing ever lasts. It is exactly the same as enjoying something you like – a candy, a cone of ice cream, an apple, a piece of steak, or…whatever makes you feel content, it’s just a second, maybe a minute, or maybe a week, but at the end, it all crashes and burns.
The funny part is, it never lasts. I have not met anybody who can say – yes, my life has always been steady without changes, without worries, without pain, without a loss, always the same. Have you?
That’s life. There is always something that brings a change into your status quo life. I am not talking about little things like a car breaking down or raining or a grocery store running out of the butter or not being able to watch that hockey game because your cable TV just dropped dead. I am talking about those things that change your life in a meaningful way.
Don’t you ever wonder if being part of the society is what kills us? We are expected to go on like an ant in a colony, just doing your part, so your neighborhood, your community, your district, your city, your province/state, your country survives and thrives but you just die off and get replaced by a younger model.
Do you care about what happened to a previous person in the job that you have now? Do you care about the family which lived in a house you are in? Do you care about someone who lived 100 years ago?
What do you care about? You only care about things and people that are important to you. You only care if it somehow impacts you. Guess what! So does the person next to you. They don’t care either about you or things that are important to you. They only care about things, people, and situations that they deem important.
So, no matter how you look at this situation you are in right now, you are dead now and you will be dead later. There is no moral to this. There is no lesson in this post.
There is nothing important unless this speaks to you. Life is exactly what it is supposed to be – an empty canvas that you get to paint. Even if you paint it bright, it might still be as dark as it gets.
There is no such a thing as happily ever after. There is only one – a struggle that you get to experience and choose how you handle it – with a smile and a sense of adventure or with an ” oh, poor me” attitude choosing to be a victim.
We are dead men/women walking with no purpose but definitely with a choice….
Living with guilt is not something to take lightly. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you have achieved, or how much money you make – guilt is going to poison every breath you take. Guilt is a heavy weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not.
It doesn’t even matter what kind of guilt you feel, it just turns off your oxygen slowly and you find it harder and harder to breath.
Tom Hodgkinson once said: “Guilt is also a way for us to express to others that we are a person of good conscience.” When I think about it, it still doesn’t make me feel any better.
I guess, when you feel Guilt, it’s not just about what you have done, but it is also about what you have not done or can’t do or choose not to do. It doesn’t even matter if other people would feel guilty about the lack of action that makes you feel guilty. You and you only know what turns your inner peace into a living nightmare.
I remember being told that I can’t save everyone and that sentence still echoes in my head. Can you change who you are just because something is not possible? Can you stop feeling guilty just because whatever you wish you could do, is not possible?
Can you stop feeling guilty even when you know that no matter what you do, you can still not change the person or the situation or what has happened?
“….Guilt is a cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person believes or realizes—accurately or not—that he or she has compromised his or her own standards of conduct or has violated a universal moral standard and bears significant responsibility for that violation….”
Yeah, beat that….
We all know how precious life is. We all know that tomorrow is never guaranteed. We all know that 5 minutes from now could be the last 5 minutes of our lives and we’ll never see it coming.
If we know all that, why don’t we live to the fullest? Why don’t we pursue our dreams? Why do we still succumb to irrational fear? Why do we still hold back? “Why..” seems the most common question that comes up without a definite answer. There is always some kind of excuse or random explanation…
A few times in my life I have stopped and demanded a straight answer. No excuses, no standard answers, no brushing off the question, no avoiding, no hiding, no pretending.
And I have slowly built an understanding of what and why. It is me. Nobody else. It is me from a different world. I do not mean like a parallel universe or some kind of mystical place. I mean me who was raised to be a certain way. Me who was raised to continue to be like my people. Me who was supposed to inherit same beliefs, same values, same judgments, same standards.
Me who was supposed to develop the same vision of the world and become one of them with same fears, same insecurities, and same inability to accept anything out of the ordinary.
I can’t say I was supposed to become like all of them because there were different people, there were people who lived and laughed, lived and loved, lived and never judged, lived and brought light to other peoples lives but I was not surrounded by them. I did not get to experience anything different than suffering, sadness, and a lifelong struggle, so I started to become one of them.
Yes, I know, I am laughing out loud right now because this sounds so dramatic, so dark, so sad, but it was true and it was so long ago. I was getting influenced more and more by the people I was surrounded and experiences of jealousy, unhappiness, sadness, hopelessness, need to prove yourself, and etc.
I got out and decided to become a different person and learn a new way of living my life. I decided that I don’t have to prove to anybody that I am worthy of love, I don’t have to care about what other people think of me, I don’t need other people to be happy, and I do not have to worry about anything but my choices and path that I take, experiences that I have, love that I give and receive.
However, I still have not been able to fully get rid of that other me. That other me who sometimes sticks her head out of the shadows and reminds me that I might not be enough. Still reminds me that I am supposed to always be sad and wait for other people and things to make me happy.
This other me doesn’t exactly mess with my head too much but it is quite annoying to catch it in action trying to emerge out of the shadows and just jab. This is especially annoying when you are having an extremely good day, you feel happy, you smile, and then there is this quiet voice coming from the deep within you that kind of whispers, kind of gently reminds you that this is not going to last forever, that this is not real, that life is about suffering and not happiness….
I so need this other me to die. I am so tired of the voice in my head that kicks in when I just want to go with the flow of life and enjoy. This other me is not welcome and is not wanted. It was me but not anymore. I should have a choice to choose who I want to be. I should not need to fight it or constantly tell it to go away. It just needs to die….
And here we go round and round our not so little EGO.
EGO is like that annoying splinter that is not bothering you all the time but when it does, it really puts an effort into it. No matter how hard you try, you can’t get it out. You have to wait till your body gets irritated enough, inflamed, full of puss, and then expels it. Who knows when you will get irritated enough to get your EGO under control. You can’t exactly expel it like a splinter but you can work with it and somehow get it under control.
No matter how hard you try, you can’t get it out. You have to wait till your body gets irritated enough, inflamed, full of puss, and then expels it. Who knows when you will get irritated enough to get your EGO under control. You can’t exactly expel it like a splinter but you can work with it and somehow control the direction it takes you.
Don’t you get frustrated with constant nagging and comparison to others? Don’t you get irritated by your own – I am good enough but not as good as I should be? Don’t you get irritated by – why don’t you be like so and so?
It’s like a broken record, it keeps going and going, and always comes back to the same spot where it started. You somehow manage to run around in circles trying to avoid dealing with whatever you need to but always end up coming back to where you started.
Somehow, it seems that human beings have 2 things in common – either avoiding the emotional pain or choosing the emotional pain as their purpose of existence. It’s either – “I do not want to deal with this” or “poor me”. It’s extremely rare: “Yeah, bring it on!”
How many people do you know who fit in the”Yeah, bring it on!” category? Do you think you are one of them?
How often do you take a deep breath and actually deal with it? How often do you just go with the flow of life and do not wish for it to be anything else but what it is?
It is so easy to celebrate success. It is so easy to be happy with whatever is happening that you like and feel pleased with. Unfortunately, life is not a walk in the park. Good times never last. It is way much harder to face the reality, deal with difficult people and difficult situations than to try to avoid everything else.
We usually choose the easiest path. Sometimes we tip toe around whatever it is because it is easier and it is less stressful. We tiptoe around our own anxieties just to stay safe. We tiptoe around our fears, we tiptoe around any decision that will trigger sadness.
“I want to keep my sanity” – we tell ourselves. But is it actually true? Can you tiptoe around something without dealing with it and keep your sanity?
Life deals all kinds of funny cards and you have to play the game either you want it or not. We never have an intention to break ourselves but, I guess, the more we tiptoe around ourselves the less we are able to keep our sanity. Your sanity depends on the state of your mind.
And what kind of state of mind can you have if all you do is tiptoe around everything that makes you uncomfortable?
Can you tiptoe around and still find a peace of mind?
Can you tell me what will happen when you stop tiptoeing? What is the worst thing that can happen? Is your EGO going to get hurt, beaten down, vanished?
For some people, this is just a picture of two house cats on a railing, but for me this is a moment of teary eyes. The little black and white autistic cat with so many psychological and physical challenges, whom we adopted because nobody would be able to take care of as well as we could, sleeping with our Maine Coon Russian Blue mix on the same railing.
A cat who hisses at the thin air; a cat who rips her fur off her head just because there are unknown stressors in her life; a cat who doesn’t except change; a cat who is allergic to everything with wings; a cat who has affection just for humans and only at night; a cat who doesn’t like to be picked up or touched unless it is her idea; a cat who doesn’t play well with other cats, chose to sleep on the railing with her adopted brother.
This is a moment when I started to believe in miracles. Little simple things in life make a huge impact, not just for me but for her, our little autistic Beans.
I look at this picture and can’t help to smile. Life works in mysterious ways. Things that seem impossible become possible. Things that seem helpless turn to be the best thing that could have happened to you.
Trust that everything happens for a reason. It’s almost never what you want or dream of, it is always what you actually need.
Trust – is one of the hardest things we can do. Trust is hard to earn but so easy to lose.
However, when it comes to life, you do not have the luxury of choice – you just have to trust.
It never ceases to fascinate me how easily we find reasons not to like ourselves or sometimes even hate something about ourselves. Ability to be positive and accept “me” the way I am, is an extremely hard work.
We are more likely to accept people around us with challenges, special needs or physical ailments than to accept a wrinkle on our faces or a little donut around our waist.
It seems to me that we let people come into our lives for one reason and that reason is to teach us how to love ourselves. Some people come in and love us unconditionally, some people come in, love us, break us, and then leave, and some people come in and open up a door to the vastness of experience of life, feelings, love, and infinity of possibilities.
I can say for sure, that it seems to me, that we need other people to show us the way to the love of ourselvesunconditionally.
Hating ourselves is easy. The same way as it is easy to somehow miss all the positive, take it for granted and focus on everything we don’t want, don’t have, and are afraid of.
So, I decided to find one little thing about myself every day and fall in love with it. Instead of waiting for people to prove to me that I am worth loving, I will love myself one bit at a time. It is not going to be easy as from a very young age I have been taught that I am not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not anything enough in this world….
However, I think I am too much for the world to take especially if all I believe in is just my own perception and not necessarily real.
Every morning you wake up and you wonder how the day will go. You might be doing what you have always done as this is not a thinking matter anymore. It’s like a conveyer belt – get up, shower, eat, coffee, lock the door, get to work, sit down, get more coffee, socialize, work, go home, eat, do a few things for yourself, and go to bed. And repeat….
At one point in time, you might even have had a light bulb go on in your head and you had a realization that you are wasting your life.
You might have even come home and started looking at self-help gurus to get out of this rut. You know and you have felt that it could be different. You see yourself in that damn hamster wheel and, no matter what you do, you just can’t get out.
Oh, well, not the first time, not the first effort, and not the last effort or the last time. You will read, you will meditate, you will make changes, and you will get back to the rat race. And it is, honestly, because that is what we have been taught. It is something that our parents have done, it is something that our friends and family do on a daily basis.
How are you supposed to be different if everybody around you does exactly the same thing?
I just giggle…even going down the path of awakening or changing the way you think, you still are going down the path that a huge part of the society is already walking. Yes, and there are thousands of them, maybe even millions. Nobody is inventing anything new.
Religion, Buddhism, Spirituality, tree huggers, bug lovers, meditation gurus, cults, communities, juicers, and etc….It is all sweet talk and no results. And there will never be any results because, no matter how you look, you are still in a rat race. Just a different rat race, but still it is a rat race.
So, what’s the solution? There is none and there will never be. Regardless how many books you read, no matter how many seminars you attend, no matter how much you isolate yourself from the crowd….it is still the same crap….
This is not a sad realization. This is not a desperate awareness of a really shitty situation. This is just a reality check. This is what it is and it will be what it will be.
You can’t control your life, you can ‘s steer it the direction you think you want to go, you just need to go with the flow. What the hell does that mean? Who knows…
All I know is that nobody has ever gotten out of this alive and nobody has ever found the world peace. Then why in a world should we thrive for something we don’t understand or have a clue about?
The best we can do is to acknowledge the fact that this is how the life goes and keep this awareness while going through life. Once you have this realization you go through life like an adventure and not a torture. Ups and downs, sadness and happiness, anger and bliss – round and round and round we go.
There is a difference between living your life in ignorance and living your life with an awareness. What’s the difference, you ask?
Living in ignorance is living and feeling like you are a victim of circumstances. Living with an awareness is living with a knowledge that life is random. There is no luck, there is no way to control it, there is no happy ever after.
There is some kind of ending and it can be happy, it can be scary, it can be horrible, it can be…who knows what.