Tag Archive | My Way To Truth

The Gift I Do Not Want

fireWe all are born with some kind of gift. Something that makes you different from others. Something that you either love and embrace or something that you do not appreciate or want.

Being intuitive is a curse. It feels like Mother Nature has forgotten to gift the ability to turn a blind eye, accept, and go on with your life like nothing happened.

I can tell a person’s character by a mere five-minute conversation. I can tell if a person is honest or makes things up as they go. I can tell if a person has a low self-esteem, if a person is not a team player, and if a person is not a good person in general. 

You would think that having an ability to accurately assess people would give you an opportunity to turn this to your advantage. Wrong! If you are a decent person, you would not take an advantage of this and you would not play with people or manipulate them to get what you want.

We all have flaws, we all have insecurities, we all have struggles, and we all have a past that we are trying to deal with. Struggles and low self-esteem doesn’t make us useless or bad or undesirable or not worthy. Those are just flaws…we all have them. There are no perfect people out there.

You know, when you grasp somebody’s essence, you’re more likely to know how they’ll behave in the future and how they might or might not react to a certain situation. Knowing this drives me bonkers.

I come from a society where judging others is almost a norm. I come from an environment where fitting in is crucial to your survival. And this is my day to day struggle. I want to learn to accept flaws. I want to be able to not see these flaws. I want to be oblivious so I can enjoy life. Turning a blind eye, indeed, sometimes is the best answer.

If you are not perfect and your friends are not perfect, and your family is not perfect, and people you work with are not perfect, and your neighbors are not perfect, then you should just allow them to be.

When you see flaws, you want it or not, you judge. You compare to something that you are okay with. That something is the way you feel comfortable with life. Let’s be honest here – neither my vision of life or your vision of life is the best. It is just an emotional need to be comfortable with whatever is happening.

If I am uncomfortable around someone who overcompensates for their lack of courage by doing silly things, it is not them taking the risks and challenging their fears, it is my fear that they are going to get hurt and my subjective opinion that it is stupid.

As you can see, there is a problem.  I fear for them by judging their actions. Mother nature should have given a gift of being intuitive that gives you an ability to read people well and should have added a gift of being able to accept those differences.

As Mother Nature turned out to be a very stingy gift giver, she has left me in a constant state of struggle. To avoid pain and disappointment in people, I have chosen to distance myself from them. I constantly have to remind myself that it is alright for people to get hurt, it is alright for people to be abusive, it is alright for people to be clingy, it is alright for people to be needy, it is alright for people to be neurotic, it is alright for people to be victims, it is alright for people to not want to tell the truth, it is alright for people to blame others….and etc. It is alright for people not to want to change anything about them to be happy and waste their lives being miserable. It is alright….

When you do not see the struggle in others, it is easier to go on with life. It is much harder to see the flaws and know what people struggle with and be able to build friendships, to build work relationships, and to accept what you see and not be able to do anything about it.

Ignorance is pure bliss – I wish that was true for me. How can you stop seeing? How can you stop being able to see what people are feeling? Or even better, how can you see and still manage to let it go?


The Struggle Is Not Real…

1069284_10151741035955638_1948076237_nTo struggle means – making forceful or violent efforts to get free of restraint or constriction. It sounds like experiencing Struggle is not a laughing matter, so when I see memes or references to “..struggle is real..”, it kind of makes me sad.


Well, because there is another definition for “the struggle is real..”, and it is: “…”The Struggle” refers to the difficulty and danger that is faced, every day, by those of lower socio-economic class living in areas such as housing projects and ghettos….” (Urban dictionary).

When you look at this definition, it sounds like a mocking, like someone who is well off making jokes about violent struggles of those who did not inherit a fortune from their parents or were not lucky enough to come up with a great idea to start a business, or had an idea but was not able to secure funding.

Of course, not all memes are about less fortunate struggling to survive, but when you think about the official meaning, it sometimes makes it way too real and reminds you of horrors that you might have seen or experienced.

Yes, I laugh at pictures of a T-rex trying to make the bed or someone’s attempt to untangle the headphones, or being too short to reach for the top shelf where the peanut butter is, and I have to admit that the struggle is real when you look at things from that angle.

We make fun of things, so we do not have to cry about the reality. We make fun of ourselves, so we escape the sad truth. We make fun of the life we live, so we find something positive in the situation that hurts us the most.

We joke and we make people and ourselves laugh to escape the reality. And that makes me realize that the struggle is not real, it is artificially created by our society, by our political leaders, and sometimes by our own choices. It is extremely real for those who are caught in the middle of the grind…

Once you have the awareness of the artificially created meaning of life and the drive to belong, you have an extremely hard time fitting in. You still follow the rules of the game because you have no other choice – you still need to pay your bills, you still need to eat, you still need to take care of your family…so you immerse yourself and go on.


I Need It To Die…

sims-2-randomness-01-2-728We all know how precious life is. We all know that tomorrow is never guaranteed. We all know that 5 minutes from now could be the last 5 minutes of our lives and we’ll never see it coming.

If we know all that, why don’t we live to the fullest? Why don’t we pursue our dreams? Why do we still succumb to irrational fear? Why do we still hold back? “Why..” seems the most common question that comes up without a definite answer. There is always some kind of excuse or random explanation…

A few times in my life I have stopped and demanded a straight answer. No excuses, no standard answers, no brushing off the question, no avoiding, no hiding, no pretending.

And I have slowly built an understanding of what and why. It is me. Nobody else. It is me from a different world. I do not mean like a parallel universe or some kind of mystical place. I mean me who was raised to be a certain way. Me who was raised to continue to be like my people. Me who was supposed to inherit same beliefs, same values, same judgments, same standards.

Me who was supposed to develop the same vision of the world and become one of them with same fears, same insecurities, and same inability to accept anything out of the ordinary.

I can’t say I was supposed to become like all of them because there were different people, there were people who lived and laughed, lived and loved, lived and never judged, lived and brought light to other peoples lives but I was not surrounded by them. I did not get to experience anything different than suffering, sadness, and a lifelong struggle, so I started to become one of them.

Yes, I know, I am laughing out loud right now because this sounds so dramatic, so dark, so sad, but it was true and it was so long ago.  I was getting influenced more and more by the people I was surrounded and experiences of jealousy, unhappiness, sadness, hopelessness, need to prove yourself, and etc.

I got out and decided to become a different person and learn a new way of living my life. I decided that I don’t have to prove to anybody that I am worthy of love, I don’t have to care about what other people think of me, I don’t need other people to be happy, and I do not have to worry about anything but my choices and path that I take, experiences that I have, love that I give and receive.

However, I still have not been able to fully get rid of that other me. That other me who sometimes sticks her head out of the shadows and reminds me that I might not be enough. Still reminds me that I am supposed to always be sad and wait for other people and things to make me happy.

This other me doesn’t exactly mess with my head too much but it is quite annoying to catch it in action trying to emerge out of the shadows and just jab. This is especially annoying when you are having an extremely good day, you feel happy, you smile, and then there is this quiet voice coming from the deep within you that kind of whispers, kind of gently reminds you that this is not going to last forever, that this is not real, that life is about suffering and not happiness….

I so need this other me to die. I am so tired of the voice in my head that kicks in when I just want to go with the flow of life and enjoy. This other me is not welcome and is not wanted. It was me but not anymore. I should have a choice to choose who I want to be. I should not need to fight it or constantly tell it to go away. It just needs to die….

Twelve days of…Confusion


That time of the year when people suddenly need to come up with a new plan of attack – resolutions, better health, new dreams, new goals, new me, new you, new approach, and etc.

News flash, most of the time Jan 1st is identical to December 31st. You wake up the same person and the day goes on the same way as it was going the day before. Life doesn’t judge. Life doesn’t have time boundaries – we do.

What we do with our time depends on us and not the calendar.

Being kind only during holidays is not going to get you extra kudos of appreciation. Buying a cup of coffee for a homeless person around holidays is also not going to make you a better person.

Holidays are tough because of all the commercial buzz around gifts, around family quality time, around being more thoughtful, around being the best you can be.

Homeless are hungry other days too. Abused animals are hurt, hungry, and need medical help every single day. Single parents struggle every day. Abused women and children need help and protection every day. Elderly people are abandoned and forgotten every day.

I could go on and on….

It makes me sick to my stomach to look around at all the cheerful decorations, all the cheesy commercials, all the lights, all the music, and seeing how fake people become.

I enjoy Christmas. I enjoy my time by the fire place with a cup of coffee or hot chocolate. I also enjoy family time. But somewhere deep down in my heart I can’t fight the feeling of sadness and disappointment.

Another year, another Christmas, another fake: let’s be nice to each other, let’s be kind and thoughtful, let’s be aware and generous, and let’s feel good about remembering and reaching out to those we do not think about for 300 days or till we get reminded that it’s time to buy gifts and get festive.

I am all about being thankful and thoughtful. I am all about reminding myself that there are less fortunate. I am all about being kind to people around me.

Some people will say that I must be bitter or unhappy or jealous. Not really. I just can’t buy into being fake.

Let’s just stop for a second and take a breath.

Seeing a coca cola truck drive by all festive and lit up, is entertaining. Seeing amazingly done commercials, also eye catching and soul warming, but the fact that their product is extremely not healthy and their diet product linked to cancer and diabetes, that’s just a minor detail.

Going to the mall and seeing all the discounts and huge sales and being able to afford to buy things that you might not have been able before the discount, is great. But to think that the markup on that item is mind blowing and that they still make money off you even with a huge discount, is disheartening.

Seeing a homeless person with a new blanket and a few present boxes, heart melting, but seeing the same person 30 days later being passed by by the same gift giver turning his/her head the other way to avoid eye contact, is, again, heart breaking.

Seeing people donating money to all kinds of charities during holidays, honorable, but ignoring any other engagement from these charities during the year and not even sparing $5 dollars, is being a hypocrite.

So, pardon me for being a negative Nelly and refusing to ignore the truth and the ugly reality of this. My consciousness doesn’t allow me to be fake neither during holidays nor during any other day of the year.


But, What About Me?

meThey say it’s okay to be afraid because you are about to do something brave. In my experience, quite often being afraid leads to making some extremely not bright decisions.

So, I would like to paraphrase this saying.

It’s okay to be afraid because you are about to do either something brave or something stupid.

Unfortunately, there is no way to predict which direction you are going to go.

When life is driven by do’s and don’ts and when you have to re-discover yourself after hitting rock bottom, most of the time you have to start from the very beginning.

You have to start with the question, do I know what is happening? Not literally understanding what and who and how but look deep into yourself.

You need to understand how you got here. You need to understand what choices you have made that brought you to this point in life.

You have to understand what you are avoiding and what you are running away from. You have to really understand what exactly you are trying to achieve and what drives that desire.

I am not talking about the lamest statement one can provide – I want to have a good career, decent life, family, and etc. These statements could be recorded and replayed for every single person as these are passed on from generation to generation as a to-do list.

I am referring to actual reasons why somebody is making choices.

Maybe you were bullied as a child and now you have an internal burn to proof that you are somebody.

Maybe your parents got divorced and you felt like you were not needed or loved and now you subconsciously continue choosing partners, jobs, friends that continue making you feel the same way.

Maybe you subconsciously have chosen to go down the other rabbit hole and keep choosing people and jobs that make you uncomfortable with their affection, attention, and constant need for you to be their center of attention.

Maybe your parents didn’t teach you that you are not the almighty center of the universe and now you believe that you deserve things and that world owes you.

Maybe you learned not to care because you are not worthy.

maybe, maybe, maybe….

People say, we learn from our mistakes. People say that if you do not make mistakes, you are not growing. Yes, there is an aspect of truth in everything said.

But these genius quotes do not cover the stupidity that is caused by choices that were driven by the emotional trauma. You can be stupidly brave and do something that will change your life for good and you can also be just stupid and hurt yourself or someone around you.

We all have that one person in our lives that make stupid decisions that are brave in their own right but can be classified more stupid than brave. You know why they make choices they do and you try to help them see the driver behind those decisions but nobody can help them unless they help themselves.

And when that day comes when they ask you – but what about me, I hope you are brave enough to tell them that the only way around this is to start loving and accepting themselves.

When you understand why you make stupid decisions, you open the door to be brave, and that is when it is about you….


The Shit We Do Not Want to Admit


Courtesy of Nighthacks.com

The bell started ringing in your head and it hasn’t stopped. It might have stopped for some period of time when you put an effort into not thinking and avoiding, but today that ugly nasty bell is ringing again.

You, of all people, know that the bell will not stop ringing till you do something about it. Not the first or last time the darn bell goes off and you realize that there is no one who can shush it except you. Nobody has your bell annoying them. They have their own bells.

So, how do you unfuck yourself? Isn’t that the question of the millennium?

I guess, there is no perfect recipe that works for everyone. The only thing that has historically helped is – educate yourself. Read, read, and keep asking questions if what you know today is true. Read not just articles and books that you agree with but read everything that is against what you believe today.

Is this true for everyone all the time?  Is this true because I want it to be true or because I have been living in ignorance? Is it true because somebody I trust told me that it is, and etc.?

The more you read and ask questions instead of taking everything for granted, the more you will start seeing the difference between your opinion, perception, convictions, flat out faith, and the truth.

My mother, the most altruistic person I know, lives her life and relies on other people to tell her what’s right because she doesn’t know who she is and doesn’t trust her own opinion. Every time you ask her, why she made a decision or why she thinks something is true, her answer is: “…well other people know best. If so many people do it or believe it, it must be right….”

However, she can’t comprehend that those other people are exactly like her, still searching for answers and faking their way through life. There is no way they know more than you do. They just pretend and convince themselves that they know.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t want to know what’s true. She is so deep in the mud that unfucking herself is not an option today. It really scares me. It scares me because I do not ever want to become what my mother has become.

I don’t ever want to be in the situation that makes me feel that everyone else around me knows what’s best for me and makes decisions on what I should believe in or what I should become. Why don’t I want to be in that situation? Because nobody has ever answered the following: what is my purpose on this earth? Because nobody knows what the meaning of life is. Nobody has a freaking clue. And if nobody has a freaking clue, then how the heck can they tell me who I am or what I should do.

Why don’t I want to be in that situation? Because nobody has ever answered the following: what is my purpose on this earth? Because nobody knows what the meaning of life is. Nobody has a freaking clue. And if nobody has a freaking clue, then how the heck can they tell me who I am or what I should do.

At the end of the day, I am happy because what I feel is right is what defines me, regardless if anyone else around me agrees. And I know, that what I believe in changes based on what I learn. Knowledge is the key to freedom. Knowledge is the key to acceptance of everything else that happens around me and acceptance of people that are different from me.

Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is the way I want. Being happy means that I am ok with things happening around me the way they are. Being happy means that I can be myself and not feel that I have to fit in. Being happy means that I have made a decision to be alright with my choices and trust that I am doing the right thing.

Being happy is a complicated thing for some people. They believe that being happy is an adventure of a lifetime, a complicated game where you need to complete tasks and achieve goals. Some people believe that whatever they do has to be approved by other people. For some people happiness is fitting in, happiness is being like everyone else, even though they always insist on pointing out that they are unique and they are individuals, and they don’t care what others think.

It’s the most bizarre thing to state that you are unique but still just want to fit in, want to be accepted, and be acknowledged for your thoughts. You can’t be unique and fit in at the same time. You can’t have a different opinion and still be one of them and be treated like you fit in. Those things are mutually exclusive.

I do not remember where I heard this or who said this but it hit me right where it hurts

“..Be who you were before all that stuff happened that dimmed your fucking shine…”

You know what is the saddest thing? I have no flipping clue who I was before something or someone dimmed my fucking shine.

The majority of us have a past that we do not want to talk about or do not remember. In my case, I have only a few memories till I turned 12. So, it would probably take thousands of dollars to dig into my subconscious to get out what I have blocked from my memory.

So, what is the shit that I do not want to admit? What is the shit that you do not want to admit? And is it actually Shit or we just think it is?

But, I guess, the better question is – Does it actually matter?

The Worst Day Ever

grumpy cat“The worst day ever…” – you hear it on the street, you hear it at work, you hear it at home, and sometimes you say it yourself.

Being late for work is not the worst day ever. The store is out of milk, still not considered to be the worst day ever. Ok, ok….you miss your plane. Still not the worst day ever. A very bad day but not the worst.

Maybe losing your car keys are the worst thing that has happened to you so far, but it is definitely not the worst day ever.

I think we all need to stop and think about words that we choose to describe a setback or an inconvenience. We are so immersed in a world of nonsense and small inconveniences that we forget things that actually matter.

There is only one thing that makes it the worst the day – the death of somebody you loved with all you heart.  You either knew it was coming or  it just happened suddenly. The worst nightmare ever is to receive the call you don’t wish onto anybody.

There are a lot of things (being raped, being assaulted) that are horrible but losing the love of your life – be it your child, your husband, your wife, your parents, your sibling or your pet, is something you can’t ever recover from.

So, please do not say that you had the worst day ever just because you broke your nail or your favorite soccer / football team lost a game.

He Beat Me Up Pretty Good

wp-1461293685173.jpgToday I was reminded that there is so much evil in the world I live in.  Not that I didn’t know or wasn’t aware but just, as always, when something happens right in your face, you are forced to acknowledge the fact and face it.

“So many heartless people”, I thought to myself as I was bleeding in my basement.  You think you know somebody but, most likely, you don’t.

Sometimes you might wonder, how come for every 10 good people, there is this one who doesn’t deserve to be called  “human”.

Today I was reminded again what unconditional love is. I saw terror in my little boy’s eyes when he scratched me to get away from bad memories, bad experience, the terror that a harmless folded carpet reminded him of.

It doesn’t take a university degree to figure out – somebody had hurt him before he came to our house. My eyes teared up.  Not from deep bloody wounds in my forearms but from a thought about what could have happened to my little kitty to make him so skittish.

Cats love tunnels and boxes but my boy is avoiding most of them or is extremely cautious and never fully gets in if the box is tight or if you try to put him in there.

I know, karma is a bitch and I can fully rely on her to pay back with all the goodness she can come up with to repay for whatever the person did to him. My bloody arms are just a reminder to love and give him a safe place to grow old. We will figure this out and put it behind us.

My boy might have beaten me up pretty good and he might have made me bleed but he also reminded me that I have a choice – to become a part of the solution by not turning a blind eye.

My boy also reminded me that there are people out there who will inflict pain onto others to get away from their own internal pain and there are people out there who enjoy hurting animals and people because they get joy out of it.

Even though my first reaction is anger, I choose to rely on Karma to figure out who deserves what because I do not have time to hate and waste my precious life  on people like that. I have better things to do. Things like earning trust and love of my little boy and sharing precious moments of my life with him and his adoptive sister.

I could waste my life by focusing on anger and that way also waste my TODAY. I choose to let go of the past and build a better future by living every moment today.

There are other good people who will come for those who deserve to be punished for their wrong doings and animal abuse.

When In Doubt, Love Is Not The Answer

sims-2-randomness-01-2-728You hear it all the time – love always wins. No, it doesn’t. You know it, I know it, and everyone else knows it. It is true only in movies and books.

Yes, it is hard to admit that love can’t solve all the problems. However, it is even harder to admit that you have no clue what your life or love is all about. I am not even talking about which person is Love of your life. I am talking about such a simple thing as knowing yourself.

Knowing yourself sometimes seems the hardest thing to accomplish but it is the base for everything that you will build from this day forward.

Love – such a beautiful word.
Love – such an amazing feeling (well, at least the first part of it – being in love). Love sometimes hurts.
Love – such a magical state to thrive for.
Love – not the answer to your existence problems.

The answer is – it is whatever you want it to be. Yes, it is as simple as that. No matter what the question is, the answer is always whatever you want it to be.

How about love? What about it? Love is your choice. Love is Acceptance and The End Result of your journey.

There are multiple journeys you will take throughout your life.

  • A journey to self-discovery. This one is a never ending story. Most of the time, no idea where it ends but it always is a morphing, developing, and a changing thing that you can’t catch up with.
  • A journey to a short term goal. Hundreds, maybe even thousands of short-term goals. Things like buying something, getting a house or a car, adopting a cat or a dog, taking a class or getting a certificate, finding a new job, and etc.
  • A journey to become a better person. This is, more or less, a journey of learning life lessons and changing your understanding of the world and people around you.
  • A journey of your life. If there is a beginning, there is an end. The many paths you take, the many experiences you have, the many thoughts and feelings you encounter. There is no right or wrong, there is just a path you walk and choices you make. Every path is unique, every choice is the best you could have made at that point in time with the knowledge you had. And the journey will end….Nobody has escaped that.

Love for life itself is still not the answer to your problems but is the answer to something bigger. Love is just a side effect you experience when you allow yourself be. Love is, in other words, the peace in your heart, acceptance of circumstances, acceptance of as-is state at any point in time.

When you have doubts about anything, just let it go. Things will sort themselves out.
The silliest thing ever is that – no, Love won’t always win, Life will. The flow of things are not built around human beliefs that LOVE always wins, it is built around the fact that Life is just a combination of random events that might or might not be caused by your decisions.

Once you accept this randomness, love or state of content will become the answer. It will not be the tool, but it will be the state of mind you are in.


Homesick for a place that doesn’t exist


Courtesy of Justin Bergeron 

Life is so short to sweat the small stuff. However, the big stuff is not necessary something that we are aware of. When you think about it, you think you feel it, you imagine it, but you still can’t fully verbalize what that place is that you wish for.

They say – dream big. Well, what are you supposed to dream about? A good career? Children? Family? Big house? A very expensive car? Oh, I know, happiness and inner peace…

Yeah, but, again, who in the world can define what happiness is when nobody knows? So, long story short, we are homesick for a place that doesn’t exist. We are homesick for a feeling that is either created by us or someone in our lives. Feeling that we so desperately are seeking but never find.  It is just never enough…

Somehow, today, right here right now, not many people know what it means to live and enjoy every moment that they are given. They appreciate everything they have experienced and achieved but they still judge and wish for something better.

It is hard to accept the fact that there is nothing wrong with your world. Everything is exactly the way it should be. Maybe not pleasant, maybe full of pain and disappointment, and maybe not deserved but exactly the way it should be.

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