Tag Archive | existence

I love Myself today…bit by bit

985360-quasimodo3It never ceases to fascinate me how easily we find reasons not to like ourselves or sometimes even hate something about ourselves. Ability to be positive and accept “me” the way I am, is an extremely hard work.

We are more likely to accept people around us with challenges, special needs or physical ailments than to accept a wrinkle on our faces or a little donut around our waist.

It seems to me that we let people come into our lives for one reason and that reason is to teach us how to love ourselves. Some people come in and love us unconditionally, some people come in, love us, break us, and then leave, and some people come in and open up a door to the vastness of experience of life, feelings, love, and infinity of possibilities.

I can say for sure, that it seems to me, that we need other people to show us the way to the love of ourselvesunconditionally.

Hating ourselves is easy. The same way as it is easy to somehow miss all the positive, take it for granted and focus on everything we don’t want, don’t have, and are afraid of.

So, I decided to find one little thing about myself every day and fall in love with it. Instead of waiting for people to prove to me that I am worth loving, I will love myself one bit at a time. It is not going to be easy as from a very young age I have been taught that I am not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not anything enough in this world….

However, I think I am too much for the world to take especially if all I believe in is just my own perception and not necessarily real.


Sonder: The realization that everybody has a story

7-billion“… the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk….”

Everybody has a story and it is not yours. And, most likely, you are not even part of it. For most of the world you do not exist.

What’s the population of the world? 7 billion

How many people will get to know you or see you in your life time? Google states that an average estimate is 10 thousand people.

Let’s do the math:

7,000,000,000 – 10,000 = 6,999,990,000

For 6,999,990,000 people you do not exist, never existed, and will never exist… The same can be said about those 6 billion, nine hundred ninety nine million, nine hundred ninety nine thousand people. They do not exist in your world. You will never meet them, never hear of them, will never know they existed.

Can you chew on that for a moment?

Clean Up Your Past

construction-clean-upMost of us have a messy past. Painful memories, bad choices, unresolved situations, heartbreak, and etc. And sometimes that past has hurt us so deeply that we have developed an emotional attachment to it and we just can’t let go.

Maybe we have a moment or two when we are able to see life the way it is and not the way it comes to our awareness through the filter of the past experience. These moments do not last long and we go back exactly where we started in the first place. We can’t focus on anything else and can’t leave the past behind. It always somehow creeps in our thoughts and reminds of itself hindering the ability to appreciate moments that are in front of us.

It is truly amazing how people keep punishing themselves and either hold onto the resentment or keep repeating same behavioral patterns expecting an alternative outcome.

Most likely, it is because people are longing for a different outcome, for some kind of resolution, maybe an apology, maybe a different choice, maybe another chance to make it right, and maybe they believe that somebody owes them something. And, instead of allowing themselves to learn from the experience, leave the past behind, leave anger or grudges behind, let go of the pain, or find closure, they choose to hold on to all of that and drag it with them through the reminder of their lives.

Holding onto your past is like keeping a photo of  every single person that you have met so far and carrying them with you wherever you go. It’s not like you need to show these photos to your friends, coworkers, strangers and tell the story of how you got hurt and what happened.

You do not need these stories or photos to be able to live through a situation that is similar to something that you have already seen or experienced in the past. And you do not need a constant reminded of something that you can’t change. You need your memories and experiences to be a guiding light. Something that you use to learn and grow.

Cleaning up doesn’t always mean forgetting. It just means – letting go of stuff that is not relevant anymore. Letting go of feelings that hold you back and keep you trapped. Past belongs in the past. Today is the day you live.

So, where do you start? Start with forgiving yourself and accepting the fact that nobody is perfect. It is ok to love imperfection.

Don’t Be Afraid of Death

dont-be-afraid-of-death-so-much-as-an-inadequate-life-quote-1Everyone is afraid of death. You. Me. Them. Every single one of us. Unfortunately, there is no way to avoid it. It will claim us all, one by one.

If death is inevitable and nobody can change the outcome, then it should be no brainer – focus on something that you can change. You can live your entire life being afraid to die and then realize that you have never lived.

Fear itself is just a perception of something we do not know or want to avoid. Shouldn’t this feeling be used as a driver to do things that make one’s life worth living? Things that we are afraid of, things that we think we are afraid of, things that seem to be something that is unknown and get deemed to be scary.

Fear is adaptive because it protects us but you can’t live your life in a bubble if you want to live an emotionally satisfying life. Fear is engrained in our genetics and it keeps us safe. Human brain always keeps an eye on everything that can potentially be dangerous or deadly – food, heights, enclosed spaces, elevators, shady people, and etc.

However, letting fear to take over one’s life can be detrimental. You are preserving yourself from imaginary death by robbing yourself of an opportunity to find out what life is and what amazing adventures it can offer.

There is no recipe to what happiness is. There is also no recipe to what living is. But one thing is for sure. Not letting yourself see what’s on the other side and living in constant fear of “what if” is far worse than some discomfort you might experience making first steps and finding out that it was not as bad as you thought.

You should be afraid of wasting your life by living in fear. You should be afraid to allow fear to dictate what you can or cannot do. You should be afraid to wake up one day and realize that you have spent your entire life being afraid and choosing all the safe options, and your time has run out.

“Game over” – should be your fear and not “what if”…

Emptiness – Interpretation

Courtesy of demigods-heaven-wiki

Courtesy of demigods-heaven-wiki

She opened her eyes and looked around. “That’s what I thought…” she whispered and took a deep breath.

She knew she probably should be scared and her heart should be racing uncontrollably but an utter peace and comfort was all she felt.

“How often does it happen when you wake up in the middle of nowhere with no people around, no voices, no movement, no objects?

Am I supposed to have a meaningful conversation with myself?

Am I supposed to look for answers?

Or maybe I am supposed to give answers?

Am I dreaming or is this real?”

“..hello…?”….No echo, no answer, not even a drop of water somewhere in the puddle. “Weird” she repeated for the 10th time.

“Is this one of those Matrix movie moments where I am stuck in the limbo and I need to get myself out of here? But where is here and even better question is, where is there? Did I take the red pill or the blue pill?”

“What happens when you remove all of your memories, all the chatter, all doubts, all “must do”, and all expectations?”

“…I know, I know, you are supposed to have one of those “Who am I” moments, right? You are supposed to look back and see your entire life and then come out a totally changed person because you had a life altering awakening moment, right?”

She looked around one more time just to make sure. “Nope, still nothing…”


One Dead, Many More To Go


sorry you died

Courtesy of  music.fromabasement.com

This is the most insensitive thing I have said this week. It might be insensitive but, unfortunately, it is as true as it gets.

Cruel reality reminds us almost on a daily basis how fragile and unpredictable your life is. Life doesn’t hold back. There is no pause before something happens. There is no memo sent out to warn you. There is no “heads up”.

Every day you wake up and go on with your routine. You get angry if something or somebody interferes with your flow, but, I guess, every person needs certain structure in their life.

We all are self centered egotistical beings no matter what you say. Even the most selfless gesture is still self-centered behaviour.  You do it because you feel it is the right thing to do. It makes you feel good. It makes you respect yourself. It makes you sleep better at night. You did the right thing and didn’t expect anything back.

As older you get as more people start dying around you. When you are younger, you don’t pay much attention to that. And as older you get, as more guilt you start feeling. Guilt about decisions that you have made or not made.

Decisions like – meeting up with that old friend, or writing that email that you have thought about for years, maybe even making that phone call . You know exactly what I am talking about.  It lingers in the air, you think about it, you almost come close to doing it but then you either find an excuse or something gets in your way.

Yes, this post is written because, again, I made a conscious decision to post pone a meeting with a friend and now I will never have that opportunity given to me again. I might stand by the grave of this friend, crying or talking, but I will never be able to hug this person or smile at them and say – nice to catch up.

I can find all kinds of excuses why I did not try harder but it will not do any good. This situation keeps repeating itself and I keep finding myself regretting the excuse – I will do it later.

Life keeps teaching me a lesson that there might not be “later” but I am too slow to learn. Every time something happens, I reflect, I feel guilty, I make promises to myself that I will never do that again, and I keep hitting my head against the same wall and wondering why.

Yes, it is just a journey. And, yes, death is a part of life that nobody will escape. And, yes, as they say – shit happens. It, however, doesn’t change the fact that I choose not to go with the flow of life and try to make choices that will lead me to the place that I think I need to be at.

This place is just a vague idea and if you ask me, I have no clue where that is. I have no clue how it looks like but somehow I still make decisions that I think are more important than they actually are.

I know, it all sounds so philosophical and better people have expressed the same thought in more sophisticated words but one thing is for sure – we need to stop bullshitting ourselves with fake convictions and imaginary happiness.

Just be real, be you, live….and say goodbye to those you care about as they might go any minute without any warning.

When In Doubt, Love Is Not The Answer

sims-2-randomness-01-2-728You hear it all the time – love always wins. No, it doesn’t. You know it, I know it, and everyone else knows it. It is true only in movies and books.

Yes, it is hard to admit that love can’t solve all the problems. However, it is even harder to admit that you have no clue what your life or love is all about. I am not even talking about which person is Love of your life. I am talking about such a simple thing as knowing yourself.

Knowing yourself sometimes seems the hardest thing to accomplish but it is the base for everything that you will build from this day forward.

Love – such a beautiful word.
Love – such an amazing feeling (well, at least the first part of it – being in love). Love sometimes hurts.
Love – such a magical state to thrive for.
Love – not the answer to your existence problems.

The answer is – it is whatever you want it to be. Yes, it is as simple as that. No matter what the question is, the answer is always whatever you want it to be.

How about love? What about it? Love is your choice. Love is Acceptance and The End Result of your journey.

There are multiple journeys you will take throughout your life.

  • A journey to self-discovery. This one is a never ending story. Most of the time, no idea where it ends but it always is a morphing, developing, and a changing thing that you can’t catch up with.
  • A journey to a short term goal. Hundreds, maybe even thousands of short-term goals. Things like buying something, getting a house or a car, adopting a cat or a dog, taking a class or getting a certificate, finding a new job, and etc.
  • A journey to become a better person. This is, more or less, a journey of learning life lessons and changing your understanding of the world and people around you.
  • A journey of your life. If there is a beginning, there is an end. The many paths you take, the many experiences you have, the many thoughts and feelings you encounter. There is no right or wrong, there is just a path you walk and choices you make. Every path is unique, every choice is the best you could have made at that point in time with the knowledge you had. And the journey will end….Nobody has escaped that.

Love for life itself is still not the answer to your problems but is the answer to something bigger. Love is just a side effect you experience when you allow yourself be. Love is, in other words, the peace in your heart, acceptance of circumstances, acceptance of as-is state at any point in time.

When you have doubts about anything, just let it go. Things will sort themselves out.
The silliest thing ever is that – no, Love won’t always win, Life will. The flow of things are not built around human beliefs that LOVE always wins, it is built around the fact that Life is just a combination of random events that might or might not be caused by your decisions.

Once you accept this randomness, love or state of content will become the answer. It will not be the tool, but it will be the state of mind you are in.


Heartbreak # 4

12312010_10153189576482414_13728023_nI guess life has it’s own understanding on what you need and when you need it. Most of the time it is not what you have envisioned or wanted or thought you wanted.

How much pain can one heart take? – I asked. Depends on the heart, depends on the pain, depends on who or what caused it.

None of those answers made me feel better till I read something on the Internet. It was an older man who wrote about grieving his loved ones .

“…I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love.…”

If you are lucky, you will have many scars from many loves. You will drown, you will sink, you will be beaten down, you will be broken, but you will survive. Wounds will heal but emotional rollercoasters will come and go. As more you loved as more you lost as more you will appreciate every single day of love that is given to you.

Anniversaries will cause sadness and good memories; smells, places, sounds will remind you of everyone you lost but they will also remind you of happiness that you experienced and love that you shared.

So, I guess, when I think about this, I understand that I need to let myself be. Just shake it off, let the pain hurt, let the wounds heal, and appreciate the scars I have.

RIP in peace my little 6 month old foster. I can’t save all of you but I can definitely love all of you for as long as you have left – be it 5 days or be it the rest of your life.


This Is Not Happening


Courtesy of google images

You keep saying it either out loud or in your head but it doesn’t make it less real. For as much as I know, you can scream it out, it will still be as real as it gets.

Either you got a bleeding nose driving on a highway or you are watching your life fall apart right in front of your eyes, it is something intense and overwhelming. Either you believe that your life is real or just an illusion, pain, fear, sadness, or horror is as real as it gets. It is still an experience and you are in the middle of it.

There are things in your life that are out of your control but there are things that you can influence. There are only two questions that need to be answered. Can I change whatever is happening? AND Should I change whatever is happening?

You already have the answer as your subconsciousness is smarter than your EGO. Don’t fight with yourself just because you might not be comfortable or don’t want things to happen this way.

But, please tell me that This Is Not happening and you are not allowing people around you define your choices or how you live your life.

Also, please tell me that you are not allowing your past to define who you are today. Leave your past in the past and say – this is happening and I am moving on. I am choosing me and I am choosing my future that is based on whatever comes and not on what happened to me .

Life is a funny thing. It can be messed up because you believe you don’t deserve anything better.

Things or events can’t break us unless you let them. If you choose not to let doubts, pain, guilt, negative thoughts stay for a long time, your life suddenly seems a much better place to experience.

Negative and painful thoughts are not unique creatures who choose those who are weak. Strong and happy people also have them. The difference is, they don’t dwell on these thoughts. Thoughts come and go and do not stay because they are not welcome to hang around.

You believe that you deserve happiness, don’t you? Or at least, you want to be happy? well, then choose not to accept negativity, choose not to let negative thoughts linger around, choose to love yourself.

Remember that most of the time you regret things that you have not done. In this case, make that choice to do something that makes you happy, make a choice to do something that scares you and I promise you, you will be surprised what will come of it.

And then you will say with excitement – This is not happening, I am doing it, I am feeling it, I am living….

Dear Stranger…

It just happened that today I was stalking you for entire 5 minutes as we were walking the same direction on opposite sides of the road.

It looked like you were having a fierce conversation with yourself and apparently did not agree with whatever solution you have come up with. Only if I could, I would have video taped every single facial expression of yours. It made me wonder, it made me concerned, and it made me smirk, and I almost laughed out laud at one point.

As mischievous as I am, I started to fill in the blanks and gave your gestures some voice . I am pretty sure you were quitting your job and all you needed is that grand departure that would leave everyone speechless and yourself proud.

From what I could tell your right side of the brain wanted you to flip them off and walk through a hallway like you own the floor. Your left side was not impressed and wanted you to tell them what you think about them and then walk away like you owned them.

In a heat of the argument righty got way too emotional and slapped lefty and suddenly it became a domestic violence incident in your head.

I am not sure how the argument ended as we spent only 5 minutes of quality time walking on the opposite sides of the road. I just hope that whoever won made a you a better person.

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