Today I drowned

raging_river_jamesdavis

Jenny’s Jottings: Raging Rivers

“….Have you ever quenched your thirst with an unfilled cup? Or drenched yourself completely in a heavy rainfall, under a clear azure sky?
Have you ever emotionally moved the heart of a heartless soul? Or became the soul of its bleak shadow, latched unto transience?
She may ask me how’s my day going, but all those lumps in my throat talk in tiny wisps of smoke, telling her that today feels like the first day of drowning….”

Mugilan Raju

Those words dig deep and turn everything inside out.

It’s almost Christmas and I have been feeling like I am drowning for some time. The truth is, usually around holidays I have to start paying attention to how I feel and thoughtfully adjust the direction I go with my thoughts.

Some things are hard to change, especially the ones that have been engrained in me since early childhood. Christmas had never been a happy time. It always brought pain, sadness, emotional distress, and some level of depression.

As I figured that life is an amazing journey, I learned to not live in the past but use it as a guiding principal.

Realistically, as life is an ever changing river that can flow calmly one moment and become a raging rapids caring beast and, all it takes is a minute, we have to learn to float and enjoy the flow. You can’t control it, but you can control how you feel and how much enjoyment you can get out the journey.

You can choose to fear everything, you can choose to be afraid of all kinds of possibilities and spend your precious time worrying about what can happen, or you can trust that whatever comes is as enjoyable and as awesome as it can get.

It’s been years since I had an episode of sadness and it seems I can’t shake it off. Christmas don’t excite me, the spirit of holidays has not come, and the peace and harmony is nowhere to be found.

I just hope that this is time to reflect – the time when I need to stop, take a deep breath and check, if I am still authentic.

 

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