The Shit We Do Not Want to Admit

nighthawks

Courtesy of Nighthacks.com

The bell started ringing in your head and it hasn’t stopped. It might have stopped for some period of time when you put an effort into not thinking and avoiding, but today that ugly nasty bell is ringing again.

You, of all people, know that the bell will not stop ringing till you do something about it. Not the first or last time the darn bell goes off and you realize that there is no one who can shush it except you. Nobody has your bell annoying them. They have their own bells.

So, how do you unfuck yourself? Isn’t that the question of the millennium?

I guess, there is no perfect recipe that works for everyone. The only thing that has historically helped is – educate yourself. Read, read, and keep asking questions if what you know today is true. Read not just articles and books that you agree with but read everything that is against what you believe today.

Is this true for everyone all the time?  Is this true because I want it to be true or because I have been living in ignorance? Is it true because somebody I trust told me that it is, and etc.?

The more you read and ask questions instead of taking everything for granted, the more you will start seeing the difference between your opinion, perception, convictions, flat out faith, and the truth.

My mother, the most altruistic person I know, lives her life and relies on other people to tell her what’s right because she doesn’t know who she is and doesn’t trust her own opinion. Every time you ask her, why she made a decision or why she thinks something is true, her answer is: “…well other people know best. If so many people do it or believe it, it must be right….”

However, she can’t comprehend that those other people are exactly like her, still searching for answers and faking their way through life. There is no way they know more than you do. They just pretend and convince themselves that they know.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t want to know what’s true. She is so deep in the mud that unfucking herself is not an option today. It really scares me. It scares me because I do not ever want to become what my mother has become.

I don’t ever want to be in the situation that makes me feel that everyone else around me knows what’s best for me and makes decisions on what I should believe in or what I should become. Why don’t I want to be in that situation? Because nobody has ever answered the following: what is my purpose on this earth? Because nobody knows what the meaning of life is. Nobody has a freaking clue. And if nobody has a freaking clue, then how the heck can they tell me who I am or what I should do.

Why don’t I want to be in that situation? Because nobody has ever answered the following: what is my purpose on this earth? Because nobody knows what the meaning of life is. Nobody has a freaking clue. And if nobody has a freaking clue, then how the heck can they tell me who I am or what I should do.

At the end of the day, I am happy because what I feel is right is what defines me, regardless if anyone else around me agrees. And I know, that what I believe in changes based on what I learn. Knowledge is the key to freedom. Knowledge is the key to acceptance of everything else that happens around me and acceptance of people that are different from me.

Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is the way I want. Being happy means that I am ok with things happening around me the way they are. Being happy means that I can be myself and not feel that I have to fit in. Being happy means that I have made a decision to be alright with my choices and trust that I am doing the right thing.

Being happy is a complicated thing for some people. They believe that being happy is an adventure of a lifetime, a complicated game where you need to complete tasks and achieve goals. Some people believe that whatever they do has to be approved by other people. For some people happiness is fitting in, happiness is being like everyone else, even though they always insist on pointing out that they are unique and they are individuals, and they don’t care what others think.

It’s the most bizarre thing to state that you are unique but still just want to fit in, want to be accepted, and be acknowledged for your thoughts. You can’t be unique and fit in at the same time. You can’t have a different opinion and still be one of them and be treated like you fit in. Those things are mutually exclusive.

I do not remember where I heard this or who said this but it hit me right where it hurts

“..Be who you were before all that stuff happened that dimmed your fucking shine…”

You know what is the saddest thing? I have no flipping clue who I was before something or someone dimmed my fucking shine.

The majority of us have a past that we do not want to talk about or do not remember. In my case, I have only a few memories till I turned 12. So, it would probably take thousands of dollars to dig into my subconscious to get out what I have blocked from my memory.

So, what is the shit that I do not want to admit? What is the shit that you do not want to admit? And is it actually Shit or we just think it is?

But, I guess, the better question is – Does it actually matter?

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About Dace

I am perfectly imperfect!

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