One Dead, Many More To Go

 

sorry you died

Courtesy of  music.fromabasement.com

This is the most insensitive thing I have said this week. It might be insensitive but, unfortunately, it is as true as it gets.

Cruel reality reminds us almost on a daily basis how fragile and unpredictable your life is. Life doesn’t hold back. There is no pause before something happens. There is no memo sent out to warn you. There is no “heads up”.

Every day you wake up and go on with your routine. You get angry if something or somebody interferes with your flow, but, I guess, every person needs certain structure in their life.

We all are self centered egotistical beings no matter what you say. Even the most selfless gesture is still self-centered behaviour.  You do it because you feel it is the right thing to do. It makes you feel good. It makes you respect yourself. It makes you sleep better at night. You did the right thing and didn’t expect anything back.

As older you get as more people start dying around you. When you are younger, you don’t pay much attention to that. And as older you get, as more guilt you start feeling. Guilt about decisions that you have made or not made.

Decisions like – meeting up with that old friend, or writing that email that you have thought about for years, maybe even making that phone call . You know exactly what I am talking about.  It lingers in the air, you think about it, you almost come close to doing it but then you either find an excuse or something gets in your way.

Yes, this post is written because, again, I made a conscious decision to post pone a meeting with a friend and now I will never have that opportunity given to me again. I might stand by the grave of this friend, crying or talking, but I will never be able to hug this person or smile at them and say – nice to catch up.

I can find all kinds of excuses why I did not try harder but it will not do any good. This situation keeps repeating itself and I keep finding myself regretting the excuse – I will do it later.

Life keeps teaching me a lesson that there might not be “later” but I am too slow to learn. Every time something happens, I reflect, I feel guilty, I make promises to myself that I will never do that again, and I keep hitting my head against the same wall and wondering why.

Yes, it is just a journey. And, yes, death is a part of life that nobody will escape. And, yes, as they say – shit happens. It, however, doesn’t change the fact that I choose not to go with the flow of life and try to make choices that will lead me to the place that I think I need to be at.

This place is just a vague idea and if you ask me, I have no clue where that is. I have no clue how it looks like but somehow I still make decisions that I think are more important than they actually are.

I know, it all sounds so philosophical and better people have expressed the same thought in more sophisticated words but one thing is for sure – we need to stop bullshitting ourselves with fake convictions and imaginary happiness.

Just be real, be you, live….and say goodbye to those you care about as they might go any minute without any warning.

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About Dace

I am perfectly imperfect!

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