Is it unreal to have dreams? Can you have unreal dreams and make them come true?
Can you have unreal dreams and be happy?
I am not talking about dreams that somebody might think are not reachable or even possible. I am talking about dreams that go against your own feelings, love, heart, and happiness. I am talking about dreams that are not yours… I am talking about dreams that your family has for you – get married, have a huge wedding, have kids, and live happily ever after.
You just got married and usually I would be as happy as one can get for those who have found their soul mate, but not this time. This time I am terrified. I am terrified because I know this union has already been doomed. When people get married for all the right reasons, it is the most beautiful thing in the world. Even if they get married for all the wrong reasons but they are still doing it because they are meant for each other, they complete each other and they work through their differences, it is still great.
However, if you know that at least one of them is getting married because they are afraid and because they have always thought that their parents dreams are their dreams – to walk down the aisle, marry a guy, have a huge wedding with family and friends.
I know you so well and I love you with all your quirks, phobias, neurotic behaviors, and unreasonable decisions, but your marriage is something I can’t keep quiet about. You and I, we both know the reason. You do not love him the way he deserves it. You can’t give all of you to him.
I remember things you think I don’t. I remember you sitting on my bed looking at me sad and confused asking me why you can’t enjoy sex with him and why you don’t feel attracted to him.
And I remember you having a panic attack when she ran away after the night you spent together. I remember how heartbroken you were and the tears that were running down your face when she didn’t want to talk about it.
I remember how you cried when she left after spending a few days with you. You didn’t cry because he was at home and you missed him. You cried because you loved her more than you were able to admit to yourself.
I have never seen you cry over him but I have seen the pain in your eyes when she wasn’t around or refused to see you.
I wish you had strength to face your fears. I wish you had strength to choose not what you think your family expects of you but what your heart wants.
What do you think will happen when a woman walks into your life and returns your feelings? And you know, one day it will happen. All those crushes on women are not there as a side effect to them being awesome.
Why do you think you hang around lesbians so much? Why do you think you seek them out? Why do you feel that you belong when you are amongst them?
You know that your family will love you no matter what? Yes, it might be hard for them to accept at the beginning but you have such a strong bond and you love each other dearly. They will want you to be happy.
I know you are afraid. I know you are trying to convince yourself that this is what you want. All of your sibling are married and happy in their marriage. You want the same and I understand that. But I also know that having a husband and being married to a guys is not what your heart wants. Your heart wants more…
You will never be able to love him the way he deserves. You will never be able to give all of you to him. You will always have that emptiness that you already know exists as we have talked about it. You will always feel that something is missing, something very important.
I know you love him as he probably is a great guy. He is your best friend and you have been together for so long. It is easy.
I know that one of the following things are going through your mind:
•”I am not strong enough to deal with the baggage of coming out……”
•”I was raised in a family with a strong moral code……”
•”I was brought up to believe that acting on my homosexual feelings was totally unacceptable……”
I just want you to be happy. I understand what you are going through as I have been there…
As for the dreams: get married, have a huge wedding, have kids, and live happily ever after. You can still make them come true; you just need to marry the right person. Even same-sex marriage can have kids and a big wedding with all the loved ones there.
Marriage is not what will being you happiness. Love and the right person will…and you have just given up on yourself and your dreams.