Suicide Hurts

Dear friend,

As lately you have been popping in and out of my awareness, I decided that it is time to write you a letter. It’s been coming for years and finally, I think, I have the right words.

Remember that day on a train when you walked in looking for me as we always took the same train home? It was a very dark and windy night.

Every Tuesday and Thursday same time, same spot. For some reason you had skipped a few weeks and I was wondering if you were still at the same old job. But there you were smiling as always and having the devilish spark in your eyes.

When I asked you how you were and how things were going, you giggled and said that everything was peachy.  This is the moment I kept re-playing in my mind over and over for years. How could I miss it?

I have always thought that I could see things while everyone else would miss them. I am a good judge of character and I can feel if someone is trying to hide their pain and stress behind smiles and laughter. I can feel if people are not genuine. But not this time…

When a friend of mine told me that you had committed suicide a few days later, my heart stopped. You jumped out of the 9th floor window in the building right next to the train station.

I have felt guilty for years and I have re-played that train ride in my head over and over, and over.  You facial expressions are still echoing in my memory and I just can’t make any sense out it.  Of all the people you would be the last one to make a decision like this.

I know that we all have our own paths to walk. Some of them are shorter than others. Some of them bring happiness, some destruction, and some are just filled with adventures and amazing rollercoasters.   Sometimes I just wonder if you jumped to wake me up and open the door to a different understanding, to a different awareness…

I know, I know – that sounds crazy but we have to admit that things happen for a reason and sometimes these things don’t make any sense at all…You jumped for reasons known only by you but life is a chain reaction. Once you make a significant change, you release a ripple that impacts everyone around you for the rest of their lives.

More than 10 years have passed by and I still can’t help to think that things could have been different for all of us. I want to say “I am so sorry”.

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About Dace

I am perfectly imperfect!

8 responses to “Suicide Hurts”

  1. Kitt Crescendo says :

    Wow! So impactful…and so right. Suicide impacts everyone. Guilt is everywhere, even in the casual acquaintance. This brought up old memories for me of finding out, 3 days before Christmas, that an acquaintance from Jr High and High School hung himself…his senior year (my jr year). I barely knew him and yet I felt guilty. For not talking to him more. For not recognizing his hurt. The legacy suicide leaves behind is tough….

  2. carolynpageabc says :

    Want to say something however; it would take a thousand pages…
    You are not responsible. When someone decides to take their life, a multitude of thoughts have infiltrated their minds. One act of kindness, or a thousand acts of kindness will not prevent them from their actions if that is what they have decided to do.
    Awful, horrendous, however, not your fault. To feel guilt is only detracting from your life; unless it spurs you on to be more compassionate, more loving, more you. And Dace, you are one of the kindest, most compassionate, most loving individuals I’ve know.
    Suicide is personal; they don’t mean (in general) to leave anyone feeling badly…….

    • Dace says :

      I know Carolyn, you are right. There was nothing I could have done if that was what she had decided to do. However, that little voice in your head once in a while stops by and whispers all those what ifs…

      I also know that it was supposed to be that way as we all play a role in this life and when it is over, when we are done our jobs, it’s time to go

  3. Lois says :

    Suicide is one of those things in life that leaves us with far more questions than answers and far more conflicting emotions than not. My little brother committed suicide 2 weeks before his 40th birthday, just days after spending a couple of really great days, finally cleaned up and sober, with my dad and my son (I lived a thousand miles away from him at the time). I didn’t even see the photos from those days until after his death, and he looked really good – smiling at the camera, having fun, just being who he was.

    It’s been 16 years. I think about him often. I know his soul is at peace.

    Bless you, Dace.

    • Dace says :

      oh, Lois, you are such an inspiration to me. Every time I read your stories, every time I hear you talk about your life, I feel so amazed by how you handle things and big your heart is…

  4. WordsFallFromMyEyes says :

    This is very, very heart felt. I am really feeling for you. My mother took her life on the weekend of my sixth birthday. It didn’t hit me until my early teens. I think either I blocked it from my mind, or I was not told the truth. God, don’t you just think you could have done something. I’m not so sure you could have. When someone hits THAT point, there’s no stopping them because their mind is so, so set. Live on, strong, and well.

    • Dace says :

      suicide is never a very good answer. I don’t judge people who want to do it or who do it. I am just saying that it hurts to be left behind and that not having answers can eat at you for a long long time. We have to go on and most of us do but the legacy left behind still echoes in our hearts

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