As lately you have been popping in and out of my awareness, I decided that it is time to write you a letter. It’s been coming for years and finally, I think, I have the right words.
Remember that day on a train when you walked in looking for me as we always took the same train home? It was a very dark and windy night.
Every Tuesday and Thursday same time, same spot. For some reason you had skipped a few weeks and I was wondering if you were still at the same old job. But there you were smiling as always and having the devilish spark in your eyes.
When I asked you how you were and how things were going, you giggled and said that everything was peachy. This is the moment I kept re-playing in my mind over and over for years. How could I miss it?
I have always thought that I could see things while everyone else would miss them. I am a good judge of character and I can feel if someone is trying to hide their pain and stress behind smiles and laughter. I can feel if people are not genuine. But not this time…
When a friend of mine told me that you had committed suicide a few days later, my heart stopped. You jumped out of the 9th floor window in the building right next to the train station.
I have felt guilty for years and I have re-played that train ride in my head over and over, and over. You facial expressions are still echoing in my memory and I just can’t make any sense out it. Of all the people you would be the last one to make a decision like this.
I know that we all have our own paths to walk. Some of them are shorter than others. Some of them bring happiness, some destruction, and some are just filled with adventures and amazing rollercoasters. Sometimes I just wonder if you jumped to wake me up and open the door to a different understanding, to a different awareness…
I know, I know – that sounds crazy but we have to admit that things happen for a reason and sometimes these things don’t make any sense at all…You jumped for reasons known only by you but life is a chain reaction. Once you make a significant change, you release a ripple that impacts everyone around you for the rest of their lives.
More than 10 years have passed by and I still can’t help to think that things could have been different for all of us. I want to say “I am so sorry”.
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About DaceI am perfectly imperfect!
- Anecdoche: A conversation in which everyone is talking, but nobody is listening
- Occhiolism: The awareness of the smallness of your perspective
- Nodus Tollens: The realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore
- Sonder: The realization that everybody has a story
- The Unsettling Awareness of My Own Heartbeat