It takes more than a sperm and an egg to become a parent.

I was surfing the web in quest to find something interesting to keep my mind busy and maybe get inspired by people’s stories. Instead, for some odd reason, I just kept finding right winged articles about same-sex parenthood and why it should be banned. I was not exactly interested but I was getting quite upset and insulted not because I am adopted or know somebody adopted or because I am in a same-sex relationship and might want to adopt a child but because of the way these claims were made and what they were implying.

Professor Nick Tonti-Phillipini at the John Paul II Institute for Marriage and Family published in the Sydney Morning Herald:

“A child’s relationship to both mother and father is inherent to marriage. Children conceived by other means may find themselves with people in parental roles who are in a same-sex relationship, but such relationships are not the origin of the child. It is likely for children to be loved and nurtured in such a household, but however good that nurturing, it will not provide the biological link and security of identity and relationship that marriage naturally demands and confirms.”

This statement insults not just same-sex couples who wish to adopt but also heterosexual couples and adopted children themselves.

No matter how you read this, it makes a loud statement that an adopted child will have an inferior, less loving upbringing just because he or she is not biologically linked to his / her parents.  They are saying that only a married couple can bring a child to this world and raise it to become a good person.

How about the fact, that those parents that wait for years to have a baby? Aren’t they going to love this child, care for it, give everything they have to this child more than somebody who is bringing children into this world to get a welfare check?

Adopted parents are the ones who will attend every hockey game, they will go to every soccer game rain or shine, they will wipe your tears after your first heart break, they will teach you the difference between right and wrong, they will do their best to teach you values to live your life and make a difference.

They will love you no matter what and they will stand by you no matter what you chose to do with your life.

It takes more than a sperm and an egg to become a parent, and so called  biological bond doesn’t make you a better or a worse parent

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About Dace

I am perfectly imperfect!

13 responses to “It takes more than a sperm and an egg to become a parent.”

  1. Lois says :

    So many things ran through my head as I read your post, Dace. I was a single parent, having divorced my son’s father when my son was very young, maybe 18 months old or so; he’s never called his father “dad” – he calls him by his first name (his choice). It was not all “happy camp” while he was growing up but the one thing I wanted him to know was that I loved him (it’s something I still don’t know from my own parents). Loving him allowed me to overcome many obstacles as a single mom and loving him made all those obstacles okay. All it takes to parent a child is love. Love will find a way, no matter what. The Conservatives’ position on raising children flies in the face of reality – all they have to do is take their blinders off and take a look around to see what the truth is. It’s my daily hope and prayer that they do. Thanks for another great post!

    • Dace says :

      one of the things I can’t wrap my head around is the fact that there are people making statements like that – you have to have a married couple (male and female) who biologically created a child and then and only then it is considered ok. How about love? How about dedication? how about love between two people and wanting and waiting for a child – their own or adopted? How about abusive parents? How about parents that never wanted to have a child?

      You are a wonderful mother and an amazing person Lois. You have raised an amazing guy and I know that you would have raised him and loved him as much even if he wasn’t your own.

      • Lois says :

        Thanks, Dace and yes, I would have, and I get that you were talking about people who are not biologically related to the child at all, as in adoptive parents. My cousin has been an adoption social worker for years and I’ve had the privilege and honor of attending events like a Christmas party for the adoptive parents and their kids. The first time I went, I was struck by the different “feeling” that was in the room, the difference between these parents and parents who birthed their kids and how they interacted with each other. There was not one single kid at that party who was not wanted, who was not 150% cared for, who was not loved beyond words. These parents had waited for their kids, in some cases, for years. They had gone through a process that most of us can only imagine in order to have these kids. I questioned my cousin later, after we left the Christmas party, to see if it was my imagination or not, and she said that yes, indeed, there is a distinct difference. Not to say that birthing parents don’t love and want their kids as well – it’s just a different kind of wanting. It’s a wanting that those of us who birthed our kids don’t know about. It’s a love that is above and beyond, as that’s what these people had had to do in order to have these children. I will always remember that first time – it was beautiful.

  2. theinnerwildkat says :

    I can tell you from experience that you are absolutely right. Although my mom was fantastic, and my role model, my dad was nonexistent. After my parents divorced and my youngest brother died, it was easier for him to pretend his other three children didn’t exist than face his grief. My step-dad, who married my mom after I’d already graduated high school, has been a much better father figure.

    • Dace says :

      that’s my point exactly – it takes way more to be a parent than a biological bond. Not to be rude, but just because you made something, doesn’t mean that you are related and will be a huge positive impact on somebody’s life.

      Thanks for shareing your storey…

      • theinnerwildkat says :

        Nothing rude about it. I have always agreed with that. In fact, when I told my dad I’d be having my mother walk me down the aisle, I told him that right was earned, not just given due to biology. Apparently I hurt his feelings and he called my sister to complain. Of course her response was “I don’t know why you’re so surprised. I’m not having you walk me down the aisle, either.”

        I only hope that you don’t paint all of us conservatives with the same brush based on some of the idiotic things these idiots are saying. I hope to goodness that if you want to have a family with the person you love, that you’re able to make it happen. It’s all about the love…everyone needs it. Most people deserve it.

      • Dace says :

        dear friend, I do not judge people based on their political views. I judge people based on the way they treat others, respect they have for themselves and others, and politicians they vote for. I don’t care if it is a democrat (liberal), conservative (republican) or something in the middle. What I care about is do you know what you are voting for and what they believe in and what their vision of the world is?

        I will be the first one to vote conservative if I like what they stand for and if their plan has what it takes to steer the country where it needs to go.

      • theinnerwildkat says :

        I appreciate that. And actually, I’m somewhere in the middle, but tend to lean a little to the right. Part of that probably comes from growing up a child of the military.

        I think the nastiness I’ve been seeing on both sides of the fence these last few elections has left me on edge and with a nasty taste in my mouth.

  3. Jessica Sideways says :

    Yeah, I was not adopted but my “parents” were not really parents. They did not care about me when I was a child and I took the first opportunity to move out of state.

    • Dace says :

      so, the bottom line is – how can someone make a statement that the only acceptable way is two biological parents?
      There is more harm in abusive families and families that don’t give a damn about their kids than in single parent, same-sex or heterosexual families that adopt. There is more love in those families. One can’t make statements without thinking.

      There is no such a thing as a standard / normal family that would be healthier or better for a child. The perfect family is the one that wants a child, loves a child, and raises a child, their own or adopted.

      • Jessica Sideways says :

        Yeah, I’d rather have a loving adoptive same-sex family than the abusive biological family I did have. Family is not about blood tests and paternity/maternity. Family is also not about whether or not a child is “legitimate” (such a concept disgusts me, tbh).

        Family should be about love. That’s all it should be about. It’s sad that these morally misguided Christians cannot see that.

  4. Nancy van der Weide (@canagal) says :

    Dace, this person has a narrow view on what a family is. Children are brought up with only a mother (or only a father) to raise them. Some have step-parents, or grandparents (or other relations) who raise them. Does this make the 12.6 % of Canadian families sub par?
    The world is evolving. The definition of what a family is, is liquid. Professor Phillipini is static and archaic. Look where he teaches: a catholic university. Huh, that institution only acknowledged Galileo’s Contribution in 1992! At that rate, they’ll acknowledge the healthy dynamics of diverse families In 400+ years!

    Here’s an interesting article about the dynamics of Canadian families

    http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/09/19/step-families-becoming-the-new-normal-in-canada-2011-census/

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