Why Am I Gay?
“I have a few entries in this blog that could be considered radical or offensive to some people. However, these entries are there for a reason. When I started to realize that I was gay or even first years of my journey to acceptance, I looked into those topics. I wanted to know if being gay is a disease, if it is something that can be corrected by therapy, drugs or lobotomy. I had to look into the accusations expressed by church, bible and other religious entities. Psychology, psychiatry, church, religion – it is all relevant to my research and understanding, it all leads to clarity. This entry is one of them.”
This is such a controversial question and there are so many people looking for THE answer. However, till this day nobody has come up with any that would say: yes, that’s it. This is the reason and this is how, when and why.
As we know, we ask “WHY” about almost anything and everything in our lives. Why me? Why did it happen to me? Why did you do that? Why am I always…? Why wouldn’t you just….and so on and on. Instead of asking questions, “what now” and “what I am going to do with this”, “How am I going to change”, we tend to concentrate our energy on this useless question that will never give us peace anyways. Even if we figure out why, most of the time it’s still not enough.
In case of being gay, this question is asked earlier or later either by ourselves or our parents. There are multiple theories that have amazing explanations and each of them is either twisted by gays themselves or by homophobic people. I find it amusing and sometimes maddening. Although, some of the things people come up with, make me laugh, I still get upset and can’t believe we still have narrow-minded people with all the available information and spirituality.
I understand that there are some very spiritual people who live their lives and love humanity just the way it is and concentrate on making this world a better place. I usually talk about religious people that are on the extreme side and I do not mean to put down or belittle religion or faith in any way.
Growing up gay in a homophobic family was not a walk in the park. It made me question every single thing I did or didn’t do. First, I figured that God had punished me for something. However, no matter how hard I looked back and tried to remember what exactly I had done wrong, I couldn’t come up with anything that could be punished so severely. Then I figured, I was punished for my parents’ mistakes. Well, this explanation was more suitable and applicable to the situation. However, I couldn’t figure out, why I had to pay for their sins? The best part was that you don’t know that something is not right till somebody tells you it is not right. I had no idea I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with women. I didn’t make a choice to like women and I definitely didn’t decide to like women. One day you realize that you have a crush on somebody and it turns out to be a woman.
You can’t tell your heart whom to fall in love with. I have never ever met a person who decided or picked out of a line up or a catalog: “well, today, I think, I will have a crush on this brown eyed model.” Come on, people! You can choose apple sauce off the shelf and you can make a logical decision when it comes to a business partner, a colleague or a car you will buy. But you will not be able to pick a person you want to fall in love with today, tomorrow or in a year!Being gay is not a choice, it is not a decision and it is not a switch you can turn on and off when you please.
Why would anyone choose to be something that could cause them to be: hated by certain individuals in their society, rejected by their families, or have their rights denied and possibly be subject to violent hate crimes?